Best femme fatales

The femme fatale; a staple of fiction and storytelling dating back to pretty much the beginning. As long as there have been brave, powerful men there have been women who have been capable of taking them down using cunning, guts and smoldering sexuality. They can be found in nearly every corner of literature there is: ancient Greek myth, the works of Shakespeare, even the Bible. History is also littered with the deeds of actual women who fit the trope.

Some are outright villains, using their unique skillset to corrupt good men, start wars and frame others for their deeds. The other kind is a little more ambiguous. They may appear to be evil, or at the very least self-serving, but at the core of it all, they're actually on the side of good, even if their methods are questionable.

This list includes examples of both types, with points being awarded for ambition, deviousness, sexual potency and overall style.

5. Clytemnestra
The daughter of Spartan royalty and half-sister (depending on how you look at it) of the Most Beautiful Woman in the World, Helen, Clytemnestra may not have gotten all the beauty genes but she definitely got all the crazy. But maybe that's not being fair as the event that truly kicked off all her ruthless behaviour was the sacrifice of her daughter, Iphegenia. Said daughter was sacrificed in order to attain the needed winds to get the Greek fleet moving after declaring war on Troy. If you know your Greek myths, then you know this was a result of Paris stealing Helen away with him. Her husband, Menelaus, turned to his brother, Agamemnon, to command the Greek army to get her back. After having no luck with the winds to get the ships on their way, Agamemnon sacrificed his own daughter, thus pissing off his wife quite a bit. Get all that? Good.

The Trojan War lasted ten years and then the journey back to Greece took some time as well. During this time Clytemnestra conducted an affair with Agamemnon's cousin, Aegisthus, while she plotted her husband's demise. Apparently she hated him even before the sacrifice of Iphegenia as he had murdered her first husband and forced her into marrying him. So Agamemnon finally comes back from Troy, with hot little Cassandra in tow as his concubine and Clytemnestra makes her move and stabs him to death in the bath.

This left Aegisthus as the new king with Clyemnesta as queen. They ruled happily for awhile but eventually she's murdered by one of her own sons in a power move. Like mother, like son.

4. Phyllis Dietrichson
The realm of film noir is filled to the brim with femme fatales - they're a major staple of the genre. So picking just one was terribly difficult. But I think I made the right choice here.

The introduction of Phyllis Dietrichson in the 1944 classic Double Idemnity remains an extremely memorable scene in American cinema. It has most of the hallmarks of a film noir scene - the shadows of drawn shades are visible in the dim lighting, and a seemingly innocent conversation plants the seeds for not only an intense attraction but also a diabolical plot. She appears calm and cool and doesn't do or say anything overtly flirtacious and yet Neff is certainly left with a firm impression.

Phyllis's motives soon become clear and her seduction, both through the lure of money and her own sexuality, escalates. At first Neff wants no part in a murder plot but very quickly he succumbs. Shortly thereafter a formerly good man has become a murderer. Once the victim's daughter becomes a potential problem, Phyllis displays no qualms about knocking her off as well. She's proven herself to be quite the ruthless character. In fact, it's strongly implied that she had murdered her husband's first wife - and the girl's (Lola) mother - to get to where she is. But wait! There's more!

It turns out Phyllis has also been using her feminine wiles on the girl's own boyfriend and is still involved with him at the time of her partnership with Neff. It's only once he finds out this detail that Neff finally realizes just what a monster the woman he's become involved with is. Once confronted, she promptly lies (presumably) and when this doesn't work, shoots Neff. It's not a fatal wound and Neff comes on and manages to get the gun away from her. She insists her love for him is genuine, citing her inability to fire again as proof. But at this point Neff isn't buying it and he shoots her twice, killing her. But the damage is done. Neff will soon bleed out, an innocent man is dead and a girl has now lost both her parents. All because of one lousy dame's greed.

3. Morgan le Fay
Cunning sorceress of the Arthurian Legend, Morgan le Fay is a femme fatale of the Middle Ages whose legacy of villainy and manipulation is still well-known today, if through differing accounts.

In most versions of her story, le Fay is said to be the half-sister of Arthur as they share the same mother. But as to her personality and motives, that seems to vary somewhat depending on what you read.  Some of the earliest stuff portrays her as an ally to Arthur, who uses her powers to be a great healer. It's in the French Lancelot-Grail that her character becomes much more complex and interesting. Here she's an antagonist of Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table and uses her magic and powers of manipulation to defeat them. In Thomas Malory's famed le Morte d'Arthur it's actually she who throws Excalibur's special scabbard into the lake after a failed attempt to steal the legendary blade.

She also figures prominently in tales of Charlemagne as an enchantress and seductress, sometimes aiding the heroes by testing them and others opposing them more directly.

Her name and many of her character traits have endured over the centuries and she's been used again and again in various works of fiction including the Marvel and DC universes, many movies based on the Arthur Legend and even the anime Ah! My Goddess. Throughout it all she's remained a femme fatale of the highest order.

2. Ada Wong
The only special operative I'm aware of who likes to go on missions in a slinky party dress, Ada Wong might be mistaken for an antiheroine as opposed to femme fatale, if not for the fact that she drips sexuality.

She first appears in Resident Evil 2 in Leon's scenario and it quickly becomes apparent that there's more to her than she's letting on. But if you're a gamer who pays attention you'll know that she is actually mentioned in the first Resident Evil (set in 1998), in a letter written by a dying Umbrella researcher named John. She'd used her considerable feminine charms to convince John to try to steal secrets from his employers. Ada requires information to pass on to her own employers - referred to only as "The Organization". He is among the infected during the first T-Virus outbreak in the Spencer Mansion in the Arclay Mountains outside Raccoon City and in his letter, pleads Ada to destroy the mansion and expose Umbrella's actions to the public. Unfortunately, the letter never reaches her.

Months later, during the outbreak in Raccoon City, Ada is sent by the same unnamed organization to try to steal a sample of the new G Virus from the secret Umbrella lab beneath the city amongst the chaos. It is here that we first see her, confronting her as Leon. Her story is that she's looking for her boyfriend, "John", whom she claims is a journalist. Her agenda is eventually exposed but she still displays heroism by saving Leon, which in turn, helps him rescue Claire Redfield and Sherry Birkin.

Spinoff titles give us a little more info on what she was doing during RE2 and she next plays a major role in Resident Evil 4 (taking place in 2004), once again working against the game's main antagonists (this time Saddler and the Los Illuminados cult) but with goals separate from, and sometimes counter to, Leon's. Once again she proves helpful but still self-serving. Her flirting with Leon is really amped up this time around and her skills as an operative are on full display, particularly when you play her scenario. Despite working against Wesker (her new employer) by helping Leon kill fellow operative Krauser, she still delivers the goods in the end - the Las Plagas sample. HOWEVER, if you check out "Ada's Report" you discover she was playing Wesker as well, giving him the lesser sample, and keeping the dominant one for herself.

In Resident Evil 6, Ada is still sexy and dangerous in 2013 and I think her actions there cement her status as a crazy awesome femme fatale. You never really know what side she's on besides her own but she's still benevolent enough to risk her neck to help others if the situation calls for it. Antiheroine she may be, but if you really don't think she's also a femme fatale, maybe you should give that sultry voice another listen.

1. Catwoman
If Ada's routine of frequently working for shadowy employers, doublecrossing them, making a point of saying she's only out for herself but still going out of her way to sometimes help others, constantly flirting with the male hero while at the same time baffling and even hampering him, all the while going about it in a confident and sexy way seems familiar, it's because she stole it from Catwoman.

As I said in the intro, femme fatales have been around about as long as human beings have been on this planet but it was Selina Kyle who finally perfected the art. First appearing way back in Batman #1 (note: this is not Batman and Robin's first appearance, as comic book sages like myself know - that would be Detective Comics #27) in the spring of 1940, she's been a major part of the Dark Knight's mythos ever since although she actually disappeared from all Bat books between 1954 and 1966 - most likely because her moral ambiguity paired with her overt sexuality would have made her a prime target for the Comics Code introduced in the mid fifties. This was easily a low point in Batman's publishing history, as well as many other comic characters, both major and minor. Most stories were lighthearted and goofy fare, moving away from Batman's dark roots and it's not at all surprising in retrospect to note that Catwoman wasn't present for any of it.

Anyway, once Batman returned to his roots and the comics started getting good again, everyone's favourite cat burglar-turned-sometimes-crimefighter really began to shine. She's become such an enduring symbol of a femme fatale that most people who haven't even read any comics know that Catwoman is a bad, bad girl. But still good.

Like Ada, she makes for a pretty good antiheroine, always playing it cool and letting others know that she plays by her own rules and will only risk her neck if she sees some profit in it - although at times we've seen she can be heroic just for the sake of doing the right thing (but she'll never admit to it).

From the sexy costume to her endless flirtation with Gotham's staunch defender (she's about the only character who can really throw him off his game - quite a feat when you consider the types of characters he often deals with) to her overall badassness, Catwoman is the femme fatale that all others should look up to.

Cole's Nineties Crushes

I've been feeling nostalgic/masochistic lately so why not? To protect the innocent (even if they're not) we'll stick to actresses and performers I've never actually met. At least the pleasure/pain/confusion they inflicted on my fragile psyche and naive ideas of attraction and romance was nothing personal.

5. Tiffani Amber Thiessen
What I saw her in: "Saved by the Bell", Saved by the Bell Hawaiian Style, Son in Law, "Saved by the Bell: The College Years"

Kelly Kapowski

She's the least personal, facilitating her taking the five spot. Basically I got to know her through her portrayal of a single character, "Saved by the Bell"'s Kelly. Unlike the other entries, Thiessen (who doesn't use the Amber part of her name professionally anymore) didn't represent any sort of girl that I found relatable or attainable; she just represented a part of what her show told me was highschool. When I was a preteen watching this junk, I couldn't WAIT to get to highschool, where you were apparently never in class and absolute babes like Kelly walked the halls. I was too young to have really figured out my place in the social order of my peer group, so the fact that Kelly was definitely the type of girl I'd never exchange more than eight words with wasn't relevant. She was nice, she wasn't noticeably stupid and she was hot. That was enough.

What she's been up to in the past decade that I actually care about: Absolutely nothing. And she's aged terribly to boot. Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt
What I saw her in: "Kids Incorporated", Sister Act  2: Back in the Habit, House Arrest, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Can't Hardly Wait

A young and blurry Love Hewitt

What's most interesting about this entry is that during the nineties, I thought she was two separate girls. In the early part of the decade, Love Hewitt did three episodes of a lame show I watched on Family Channel called "Kids Incorporated" - a cookie cutter plot of the week show featuring an ever-rotating cast of preteens (including, oddly enough, Mario Lopez from "Saved by the Bell") who performed popular songs at their local hangout "Place" (the gag here being that it was called Palace but the second letter on the neon sign [SO MUCH FREAKING NEON on this show] was burnt out) - although I remember her being in more. But I guess I'll just have to trust imdb on this one.

Anyway, she played Robin and had what I then considered to be an absolutely enchanting voice. I think it's possible I watched the show for so long simply because I wanted to see more of her. A couple years later I would also watch Family's "The Mickey Mouse Club" nineties revival but neither Britney (Spears) nor Christina (Aguilera) made the impression on me Love had (I don't even remember Aguilera).

Hook Guy's gonna get you...

Flash forward to the late nineties - I'm a sassy teen now and girl-crazy to boot. I've also developed a taste for slashers (more on this later) and although I'd read my sister's copy of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and found it yawnful, I was still pretty set on seeing the movie. Knowing the story was no great shakes, the filmmakers wisely elected to fill the main roles with extremely hot actors and Jennifer Love Hewitt (who at some point realized that just going by "Love" was retarded) was among them. I'm fairly certain this movie also introduced me to Sarah Michelle Gellar but my fixation on her didn't really kick in until the 2000's.

I would watch Can't Hardly Wait (1998) when it was new on video simply to get more of Hewitt. It was...um, alright. Seth Green was there. Doin' stuff. I was aware that she was on "Party of Five" but let's face it: I had a crush on her, I wasn't obsessed (you'll have to read farther to get to that). No way I was gonna watch that.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that she'd been on "Kids Incorporated". It's kind of interesting that I had two separate crushes on her bookending the nineties.


What's she's been up to in the past decade that I actually care about: Once again, absolutely squat. She's in the two horrendous Garfield movies, one of Jackie Chan's worst mistakes and a show about talking to dead people. She is still quite pretty though and can actually sing.

3. Neve Campbell
What I saw her in: The Craft, Scream, Scream 2, Wild Things

My all-time favourite survivor girl, Sidney Prescott

Scream was something of a game-changer for me, and Canadian actress Neve Campbell was certainly a big part of that. Wes Craven's clever sending-up of the very genre that had made him a household name still doesn't get the credit I believe it truly deserves. But hopefully the time when it is properly appreciated is not far off.


As for Campbell, who was actually twenty-two when the movie was shooting, her youthful looks and reserved acting made her one of the very few believable fake high school students I've ever seen. Her performance as the nineties version of the "survivor girl" trope won me over instantly. Sidney Prescott was smart, spunky and strong - but still innocent, pure and naive.

Neve gets witchy in The Craft (1996)

I recall that the first time I watched Scream (1996) was in Ryan's basement and there were several of us present. We remarked on how hot the girls who were getting killed were. I kept quiet though, because although her looks didn't compare with, say, Rose McGowan, in the mainstream sense, I still preferred her. Sidney came across as a girl I would have been friends with, probably harbouring secret feelings for her in a rather obvious fashion much like Jamie Kennedy's character, Randy, did.

I was actually downright upset by her role in Wild Things (1998), and couldn't stand seeing Denise Richards and Matt Dillon with their paws all over her. I still won't watch that movie today. She played an even more prominent role on "Party of Five" than Hewitt and, in hindsight, maybe I should have watched it since I could see them both that way.

But I was happy to see her return for Scream 2 (1997), since it was really her character that I was infatuated with.

What she's been up to in the past decade that I actually care about: Sensing a trend yet? Really, the only thing that comes to mind is doing two episodes of "The Simpsons" and neither was particularly good. It was just as well, really, as I've really no desire to see her now that she's older. I just want to remember her for what she was. Apparently Sidney Prescott will indeed be in the upcoming Scream 4 and I'll have to watch it on principle but at the very best it could only be bittersweet for me.


2. Claire Danes
What I saw her in: "My So-Called Life", Romeo + Juliet, The Rainmaker,  Les miserables, Brokedown Palace

Highschool in the nineties - I was there, man

Oh, we're reaching mildly obsessive territory now. Unlike her contemporaries on this list, I did watch Danes's show. In fact, it's how I was introduced to her. The reason being that "My So-Called Life" was actually a very good show. Unlike almost any other teen drama I can think of, its drama was serious without ever being cheesy or forced. It could also be funny in a sort of devastatingly real and depressing way. So naturally, it only lasted one season.  As Angela Chase, Danes played an angsty, sometimes sarcastic girl torn between the loyalty she felt for her old friends, and the longing to be accepted by a "cooler" group, who were often trouble-makers. She also knew something about unrequited love, falling for a young Jared Leto who was barely aware of her existence.

I found her relatable (smart but insecure, disinterested in lots of things our peers thought important) and incredibly appealing. Definitely an ideal girlfriend.

Next she starred opposite the almost as pretty Leo Dicaprio in Baz Luhrmann's modern take on "Romeo and Juliet" in 1996. This film (Romeo + Juliet) features a scene where Danes is wearing a costume that has wings. Yeah, I was pretty sold. 1998's The Rainmaker then would have her as a bandage girl. The only thing she wasn't doing in those days was fighting crime and/or zombies in a sexy outfit. But she did play Cosette (Les miserables) which is still pretty cool.

What light from yonder window breaks?

What she's been up to in the past decade that I actually care about: Well, the only film of the 2000's I've seen her in was Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines (2003) and not only was that pretty lame, I also noticed that her looks were...not going right. As she's aged, Dane's somewhat angular features seem to have become more pronounced and, if you ask me, that's not a good thing. Honestly, you can joke all you want that I can never find a use for any women over twenty-five but just look at any before and after pics of her - it's true. She's lost her look and now seems downright ordinary.

I have a passing interest in seeing Shop Girl (2005) as it was written by Steve Martin and Stardust (2007), since it's based on a work by Neil Gaimon. But I really don't like seeing Danes now that she's older. Sue me.

(note: sometime in 2001 I saw 1997's Princess Mononoke (an amazing film that I own today) which stars Danes in the title role, but that obviously only features her voice and since it's a nineties work that I didn't see until after the nineties were over, doesn't fit the criteria for this list.)


1. Rachel Leigh Cook
What I saw her in: The Baby-Sitters Club, Carpool, She's All That

Rachel as Mary Anne in The Baby-Sitter's Club (1995)

It started in the books. My sister was just as much the voracious reader she is now when she was a kid and in those days probably about 80% of the stuff I read was stuff she had read first. Sometimes this veered me into strange territory as there was definitely some material that was more geared towards girls. The best example of this was Philis Reynolds Naylor's "Alice" series, which I continued to read well into adulthood. "The Baby-Sitter's Club" was a less successful endeavour. But I still read enough of them to become familiar with the characters. At first, my favourite babysitter was Dawn - the blonde hippy girl from California. But then I saw the movie and from then on, I only had eyes for Mary Anne Spier.

Of the babysitters, Mary Anne was the most caring and sensitive. In fact, she could be downright wimpy, often bursting into tears over the stupidest things. But when I could imagine her as Rachel Leigh Cook, those suddenly became endearing qualities. 

Ironically enough, Mary Anne was the only member who actually had a steady boyfriend - the chicken-fried Logan, whom I grew to despise. I should take my revenge in some totally immoral and disturbing fan fic.

Anyway I can't exactly recall how I wound up seeing the suckfest that is Carpool (1996) but I was delighted to see my Rachel in it. It was my main motivation for watching She's All That (1999) and I'll still defend that movie just to protect my sweetheart. Guess what, people? Putting glasses on Rachel Leigh Cook doesn't make her unattractive!

Sometime in the mid nineties she starred in a memorable update of the "This is your brain on drugs" public service announcement. It shows her desmonstrating the effects heroin can have on your body and your life by COMPLETELY FLIPPING OUT WITH A FRYING PAN. It was basically the hottest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life.

What she's been up to in the past decade that I actually care about: Hey, if she's in something, then I fucking well care about it. She's still amazing and beautiful. I really wish that the tv series based on "Fearless" (another series of books I wound up reading because of my sister) had gotten off the ground because Rachel Leigh Cook as Gaia = AWESOME. Apparently there is a tv movie of it that I guess was supposed to serve as the pilot so I really need to watch it then...go off by myself for awhile.

Also, her lovely voice can be heard in several otherwise forgetful episodes of "Robot Chicken" and she is the official English voice of Final Fantasy VII's Tifa which means a lot to someone like me.

Band Members That Didn't Work Out

There's more to putting together a successful band than just selecting members with musical talent. A band is a very close-knit unit that requires chemistry between personalities as well as musical sensibilities. In some cases, the more talented the individuals involved are, the less likely the chances of them working together cohesively. Also, bands sometimes include a member who has such a dominant personality when it comes to making music that it's a wonder anyone was ever able to work with him or her for a sustained amount of time. Looking back, I'm amazed that the original lineups of bands like Smashing Pumpkins and Guns 'N Roses held together for as long as they did.

For the most part, this list will deal with band members who, while not fitting in with a particular group, achieved at least a comparable amount of musical success elsewhere. So you won't be seeing the likes of Jason Everman or Pete Best here.


5. Dave Navarro - Red Hot Chili Peppers
After Perry Farrell decided to break up Jane's Addiction in 1991, guitarist Dave Navarro was in high demand in the music world. Axel Rose had just driven away Izzy Stradlin (a precursor to the breakup of GNR) and was very interested in replacing him with Navarro. Supposedly he was formally invited to join but never showed. In 1993, he formed his own band, Deconstruction, with former Jane's Addiction bandmate Eric Avery. They released one album in 1994 but didn't tour.

Because by this time, Navarro had joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers, replacing the strange and departed John Frusciante. His first ever gig with them was Woodstock '94 before they went into the studio to record the band's sixth album, One Hot Minute. This would be the followup to their 1991 breakthrough album Blood Sugar Sex Magik and Navarro's only record with the band.

The album was very difficult on the band as singer Anthony Kiedis found himself struggling with addiction once more after five years of sobriety. Writing and recording slowed to a crawl at times and Navarro was discovering that he didn't really fit in even though his darker musical influences at least meshed with the darker mood Kiedis found himself in. Gone were the funky sounds of past albums, replaced by the heavy metal-like riffs that Navarro favoured. Honestly, I think it's possible that Navarro only wanted to be a Chili Pepper because he also enjoys being shirtless all the goddamn time.

When it was finally completed and released in September of 1995, fans were confronted with an album that didn't really sound like the Red Hot Chili Peppers at all. I can recall that even I, knowing then only a handful of their songs, was somewhat shocked when I first heard "Warped" sometime in early 1996. While some critics praised the album for its new musical direction and lyrical honesty, most labeled it a dud. Fan response wasn't a whole lot better as the record was a commercial failure, despite the fact that the single "Aeroplane" was somewhat of a hit (most likely due to its being the most upbeat and "oldschool" song on the album).

The tour wasn't exactly successful either, with Kiedis, despite being sober for its duration, injuring himself several times and Navarro, perhaps not used to long tours, finding himself drained and irritable. When the tour ended the band was doing mostly nothing as poor record sales discouraged further concert dates. Kiedis used this time to enter rehab and so hardly any new material was being written. Through most of 1997 they were barely even together and Navarro was beginning to rely heavily on drugs himself. In early 1998 when they finally started rehearsing together again, Navarro's problem was pretty apparent and he was fired in April, with the other members pondering if the band was even going to stay together.

We all know that in 1999, Frusciante would rejoin them and they would release Californication which was a huge success both critically and financially and marked a comeback for the band. But the period when Navarro was a member definitely has to be considered as the band's dark years, even if it wasn't entirely his fault.


4. Ian Gellan - Black Sabbath
In 1979 when talented and charismatic frontman Ozzy Osbourne was fired from Black Sabbath, I think it's fair to say that many thought this was the end of the band. But after recruiting American singer Ronnie James Dio, formerly of Rainbow (actually on the recommendation of the woman who would later become Ozzy's wife, Sharon Arden), they recorded Heaven And Hell. The record not only proved that they could carry on without Ozzy but is also widely regarded as one of the best and most important heavy metal albums ever made. Its followup Mob Rules wasn't the smash hit its predecessor was but was still well received.

But in November of 1981, the diminutive Dio, who had become somewhat of a diva (like the alliteration?), left the group to form his own band. He took drummer Vinny Appice with him (original drummer Bill Ward had left shortly after Ozzy due to problems with alcohol). So guitarist Tony Iommi and bassist Geezer Butler found themselves in familiar territory; the future of the band looked bleak.

The original plan was to keep making music but not continue with the Black Sabbath name as I guess the two felt that anything they produced without Ozzy, Dio or Ward just wouldn't carry on its spirit. They started auditioning rock singers (including David Coverdale - can you imagine?!?) before settling on Ian Gellan, newly available after the breakup of Deep Purple.

Much like the case of Navarro, not only did Gellan's style  not mesh well with the rest of the band and its established sound, he was also catching the group at a low point in its history. Only pressure from their record label forced them to continue calling themselves Black Sabbath. So in the summer of 1982, "Black Sabbath" went into the studio to record. Bill Ward had actually rejoined the band by this point but this didn't seem to help much. In addition to Gellan's bluesy vocals not fitting in with Iommi's songwriting and playing style (nor Butler's), the production values were horrible. The reasons for this have never become clear but Gellan decided to place the blame on Butler, who co-produced the album.

Born Again received a mixed reception from both critics and fans. It was hardly a commercial failure, actually performing pretty well on the charts in both North America and the UK, but it still seemed apparent to most that Black Sabbath were on their way down. Ozzy actually praised the record but looking back now it comes across more as a shot at Dio than an actual endorsement of the music.

Ward wouldn't join the band on the following tour, falling back into addiction brought on by anxiety. Because of the presence of Gellan, the band would often include "Smoke on the Water" in their sets, which while sort of cool must also have been pretty weird. Almost as soon as the tour wrapped up, Gellan split to join Deep Purple which was reforming. He badmouthed Iommi on his way out, inferring that he was some sort of dictator.

After trying to rehearse with a new singer for awhile, it was clear to everyone that things just weren't working. In November of 1984, Butler left the band, the whole Gellan experience still leaving a sour taste. Immediately after that, Iommi put Black Sabbath on hiatus.

The next "Black Sabbath" album that was released was really just a solo album by Iommi. While its sound was an even more drastic departure from the classic Sabbath sound than "Born Again" had been, I still feel that Gellan's prior presence had kickstarted this direction and resulting disillusionment with Black Sabbath as a band. To this day whenever I hear "Zero The Hero" I can't help thinking "Is this really Black Sabbath?"

3 & 2. Every Member of Oasis Whose Last Name Wasn't Gallagher
The irony of this is, of course, that Noel Gallagher is no longer a member of Oasis, having left the band in August of 2009. Liam and the remaining members have been rehearsing and recording since then, for quite some time unsure about whether or not they would keep calling themselves Oasis. Apparently Oasis is officially over though, as back in May Liam revealed that the new band's name is Beady Eye.

Here's a quick (haha) rundown of the non-Gallagher Oasis members:

Tony McCarrol: drummer from 1991 through April 1995 - apparently fired for just not being talented enough for what Noel was writing. He would eventually sue the band and received 600,000 pounds settled out of court. Actually offered to rejoin as bassist in 1999 but was rejected.

Scott McLeod: never an official member, it seems that perhaps he could have become one after replacing the departed Paul McGuigan (bass) in September of 1995 but he abruptly left during the tour. McGuigan came back and McLeod expressed regret over his decision to leave. But by then it was too late. He can be seen in the video for "Wonderwall".

Paul Arthurs: guitarist from 1991 through 1999 - the founding member departed during the recording of Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to spend more time with his family. He was as steady a member as the band has had, usually managing to avoid clashing with the Gallaghers. He also played piano and mellotron for tracks on (What's the Story) Morning Glory? He's played with a couple other bands as well as doing some DJing since leaving Oasis.

Paul McGuigan: bassist from 1991 through 1999 - the last of the non-Gallagher founding members (it should be noted that Noel is not a founding member) left just two weeks after Arthurs. According to Liam, "Guigsy" quit the band via fax and wouldn't take any phone calls from them. It's possible that when Noel first joined the band he didn't have much confidence in McGuigan's ability as he would often play the bass parts on their early recordings. I couldn't find any information on what he's up to these days.

Alan White: drummer from 1995 through 2004 - McCarrol's replacement and generally thought of as Oasis's definitive drummer, Noel has gone on record to praise his talent. He's on their most significant albums (not counting Definitely, Maybe). He left in early 2004 during the early stages of recording the band's sixth album Don't Believe The Truth. His reasons have never been clarified beyond being "personal". Noel would say in 2008 that White had been kicked out of the band.

Zak Starkey: drummer from 2004 through 2008 - but he was never considered an official member. He actually turned down an offer from The Who, whom (funny word usage!) he played with in the nineties, to be a permanent member so that he could concentrate on his work with Oasis. Apparently sometime in 2005 he was offered the position of Oasis's official drummer but couldn't commit due to his work with The Who. As far as I can tell, he just preferred being an unofficial member of both bands to being an official member of one. He played drums on all but one of the tracks for Oasis's final album Dig Out Your Soul.

(Gem Archer and Andy Bell: guitarist and bassist respectively from 1999 through 2009 - these two were with the band until its breakup and both are in Liam's new band, Beady Eye, with Bell now playing guitar. So technically, they worked out just fine.)

1. Dave Mustaine - Metallica
Whenever I find myself thinking about Metallica, I usually spend a few moments pondering what could have been. Specifically, I wonder what the band might have been like had their first "official" lineup (read: lineup that actually wrote material that would be recorded) managed to stay together. That would be mainstays Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield, plus bassist Cliff Burton and guitarist Dave Mustaine.

Burton was with the band (and as a prominent member I might add) until his tragic death in September of 1986, having appeared on Metallica's first three albums. By this point, Mustaine was already long gone.

Mustaine joined the band in 1981 responding to an ad posted in a local newspaper by Ulrich. I think it's fair to say that from the very outset, he felt threatened by the dominating personalities of Hetfield and Ulrich. They were both very talented and very driven, and it was clear that Metallica was THEIR band. But Mustaine was talented and egocentric too. He was also...kind of a dick. In late 1982, original bassist Ron McGovney angrily quit the band, tired of his constant clashes with the volatile Mustaine.

While the hard-living lifestyle of Metallica in its early years (read: lots and lots of drinking) has been well-documented, Mustaine apparently was in a league of his own. What was worse was that he was an extremely mean and aggressive drunk. While I'm sure it's probable that his musical sensibilities were at times stifled by Hetfield and Ulrich, who had a very specific vision of what Metallica should be, there's an overwhelming amount of evidence supporting the claim that it was his excessive alcoholism and disagreeable disposition that led to his dismissal from the band in 1983, just before the recording of Kill 'Em All.  They were in New York at the time. They packed up his gear, bought him a ticket and put him on a Greyhound bound for LA.

His contributions still carried over to the album. He received co-writing credits on four of the tracks, including "The Four Horseman", which he'd originally titled "The Mechanix". Hetfield changed the lyrics and replacement guitarist Kirk Hammet changed the lead guitar part in the middle section. On Megadeath's first album (Killing Is My Business...And Business Is Good!) Mustaine included a sped up version of the original "The Mechanix" and retitled it "Mechanix".

Megadeath would of course go on to achieve a great amount of success and I'm sure you can find many metal fans out there that prefer them to Metallica. Personally I'm of the opinion that Mustaine is a superior guitarist to Kirk Hammet but that Metallica is a lot better than Megadeath. And as much as I do believe the claims that both Hetfield and Ulrich have such strong personalities that they can be difficult to work with (trying watching Some Kind of Monster sometime), history shows that Mustaine clearly had some personality issues. He actually has his own page on wikipedia detailing his MANY feuds with other people in the heavy metal community, including members of his own band.

Extremely recently, (last month) Mustaine has confirmed that his feud with Metallica is finally over, after many years of bitterness and resentment (on his part - it took him over twenty years to get over his dismissal from Metallica and he's openly admitted that he wanted Megadeath to be more successful - I doubt Ulrich and Hetfield gave him much thought, really). I guess things worked out the way they were supposed to but I'm sure that there are still moments when Mustaine, Hetfield and Ulrich find themselves wondering "what if?".

A Nicolas Cage Shame Fest

Say what you will about Nicolas Cage's acting ability. I'm not here to deny the guy sucks. For some reason, however, I find Nic Cage has the innate ability to be involved with projects that are kinda cool. I mean, how the hell did he end up as the voice of Dr. Tenma?

Regardless, for whatever reason he ends up in films that I actually don't mind. This is a list of films that I am rather ashamed to admit that Nic Cage was in, and I actually kind of enjoyed. Some are crappy regardless of Cage's presence, but it probably didn't hurt that he was their male lead.

Oh, and I make no excuse for enjoying films like Face/Off or The Rock, because regardless of what you think, they're awesome.

5. The Weather Man (2005)

I have no rightly clue why I watched this movie. This is not my kind of film, and the fact that Nicolas Cage was in it should have screamed, "DON'T DO IT!" Why I watched it, I cannot recall, but I did and... I was pleasantly surprised.

The story of the film follows Nic Cage as David Spritz, a weather man in Chicago who is hated by the people of Chicago for being the bearer of bad news. His father, an esteemed author played by Michael Caine, is dying, his relationship with his kids is non-existent and and his wife pretty much despises him. Essentially, his life sucks.

The film follows David as he works toward changing it all in a weird, dark humour, quirky fashion. Like I said before, this isn't my kind of movie at all, but Nic Cage actually pulled this character off just fine, and I actually liked it.

I'll most definitely never watch it again, but I certainly didn't hate it.

4. Lord of War (2005)

This was a weird film. I expected it to be a balls out action movie, something inspired by John Woo (who directed Face/Off, I might add), but it ended up being this odd morality tale.

Cage plays an arms dealer, Yuri Orlov, an immigrant of Soviet Ukraine. The film follows his life moving to America, working in his parent's restaurant, and then getting into gun-running (... yeah). As the film goes on he considers the morality of his work (seems like a no-brainer to me) while being chased down by an Interpol Agent, played by Ethan Hawke. The film also stars Jared Leto, Ian Holm and Bridget Moynahan.

The film, for whatever reason, was put out there like some weird, almost comedic, cat and mouse chase film, except the guy being chased sells guns to war-criminals and militant armies. It doesn't seem like it would work, but it did. I definitely think if there had been somebody more competent in Cage's role it would have done better, and I remember Cage being exceptionally bland in this one, but he played Orlov, and I didn't mind him or the film.

3. National Treasure (2004)

I watched this one on a rental whim, something I don't do as much as I used to because I don't tend to rent movies as often these days. This is a weird Indiana Jones-esque, conspiracy film that starred Cage, as well as Sean Bean, Jon Voight and Christopher Plummer, of all people.

The film follows Ben Gates (Cage) a treasure hunter who is hunting the lost wreckage of a ship, the Charlotte. The story takes all kinds of weird twists and turns, but ends up with Gates protecting the Declaration of Independence, uncovering some age-old conspiracy surrounding the forefathers of the United States of America, and saving the day.

I thought the film was a decent action-adventure piece. There I said it! It's altogether way too American and draws the line way too close to Indiana Jones, but in the end I was entertained and I liked it. I thought Justin Bartha, who played Cage's comedic sidekick in the film, was decent as well. I've even tried on several occasions to watch its sequel, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, but have continually been thwarted by The Powers That Be. It's probably their way of protecting me, but one day I shall watch!

2. Knowing (2009)

Ever since I realized that, for whatever reason, Nic Cage gets involved with films I'm interested in, I decided to just go with it on occasion and decided to give this one a watch.

When I first saw the trailer for Knowing earlier last year I thought, "This looks pretty cool!" Then I saw that Cage was the lead actor and I thought, "Shit..." Like I said though, I was interested and I gave it a try.

The movie is the story of an astrophysicist named John Koestler, played by Cage (yeah, that's believable). His son appears to be some kind of savant that happens upon a piece of paper, covered in random numbers. The slip of paper was put into a time capsule 50 years earlier by a young girl that appeared to hear voices.

Cage goes on to realize that the numbers have a pattern and actually foretell massive, tragic events. He becomes obsessed with his quest for answers and, fueled by alcohol, fights to save what family he has left.

I'd go into more detail, but you probably wouldn't try the film out. Actually, you probably shouldn't. Especially if you didn't like the new Indiana Jones film (hint, hint - why do I keep bringing up Indy?). I can't really recommend it, but I actually liked it. I thought it had a nice story, and an atypical ending, whether it was really out there or not.

1. Next (2007)

This is most definitely the cream of the crop in my Shame Fest. Just one look at Nic Cage in this film and you'd think, "No fuckin' way!" For whatever reason, I just had to know how this one would play out, and boy was I in for a surprise.

If you've seen the trailer, you get the gist of the movie. Nic Cage plays Cris Johnson, a man that has the innate ability to see all possibilities of a future event, before it occurs. He starts off the film using his ability as a small-time magician/hustler. Cris has a recurring vision, however, that he obsesses over. He can generally only see a few moments into the future, and has to act on the fly. For whatever reason, he can see one event that hasn't happened yet, and appears to be in the distant future. When the event finally comes to fruition it takes him on a crazy adventure with the woman his dreams, Jessica Biel.

The idea behind this film is pretty cool. How'd the production team come up with it? Well, easy. You ever hear of the story, "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" Well, it's the award-winning tale that became the sci-fi masterpiece, Blade Runner.

Since then, its author, Philip K. Dick has become the focus of Hollywood productions. They see easy money when his name is involved. Most recently his story, A Scanner Darkly was adapted to the blip-on-the-radar film starring Keanu Reeves and Robert Downey, Jr.

This film was based on Dick's story, "The Golden Man". The term loosely doesn't even begin to describe how thin the line is here between "based on" and "complete name cash-in". In "The Golden Man", written in 1954, powerful mutants exist in a post-apocalyptic future. As they are of course feared (as all good mutants are) they are hunted down to be destroyed by the rest of the normies. One mutant that is captured escapes his execution, and it is found that this golden-skinned being, named Cris, can see into the future. The story then follows as the humans hunt Cris down and the ending implies that Cris mates, and that human beings will someday be replaced by a new golden race.

See what I'm getting at? There is BARELY a connection here. We have a man named Cris that can "sort of" see the future, and he is indeed being hunted. In the film it's by the US government but instead of trying to kill him, they of course want to use his powers to their advantage.

In the end, however, I actually found the film somewhat, blindly entertaining. It was stupid, hell yes, but its brainlessness is what made it something to watch. It has a major cop-out ending, which I won't ruin, but if you're ever up late on a Saturday night, and this pops up on TV, give it a watch.

Most Spectacular Moustaches

The moustache. Is there any better symbol of maleness? For better or for worse (you decide), in today's society it simply isn't acceptable for men to walk around with their penises in full display. In fact, it's been this way for quite some time. (Shocking, I know). So men have had to come up with another way to show how manly they are without scarring bystanders for life. They came up with that solution in the moustache.

It takes a certain kind of man to grow a moustache. One could argue that full beards or combinations like goatees are just as manly but I just can't agree. While I'm a guy who is very rarely clean-shaven I've always known better than to dare to sport a moustache. On those infrequent occasions that I do shave, I always leave my upper lip for the very end just so I can observe myself in moustache form for a few moments. It always makes for quite the hilarious sight. No, I've come to realize that I am just not man enough to pull off the 'stache. I'll just have to get by on my stellar record of street fighting and seducing women.

Selecting the ultimate examples of moustaches was no easy task; greats such as Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Ned Flanders, legions of porn stars from the seventies, um...Joseph Stalin and...others didn't make the cut. Truly, the road to moustache greatness is paved with the bones of those who dared to dream and fell short.

5. Tom Selleck
There are certainly moustaches out there with longer tenures than that of Selleck's but I would argue very few as powerful. Born of Slovakian immigrants, he staked a claim to manliness early on in life playing university basketball for a team called the TROJANS. Later, as a member of the California National Guard, he played a part in the quelling of the Watts Riots in 1965, a messy, violent affair that lasted six days, saw thirty-four deaths and nearly four thousand arrests. It would be the worst riot in California history until the riots of 1992 spurred by the Rodney King verdict. This conflict resulted in fifty-three deaths and thousands of arrests and injuries. And why was this riot more devastating than the Watts Riots? The answer is simple: Tom Selleck and his moustache weren't there to stop it.

As an actor, Selleck's moustache proved him to be so overwhelmingly macho that in 1980, despite a track record of truly shitty movies in the seventies, he was the first choice to play pulp hero Indiana Jones. Thankfully, his commitment to the tv show Magnum, P.I. kept him from accepting the role. Indy would go on to be a different sort of manly character which was really for the best and as Magnum, Selleck and his moustache would go on to fame taking another route. In movies throughout the eighties he would portray such manly characters as cops, baseball players and cowboys.

In the nineties, as a prominent member of the NRA, Selleck got into a fistfight with woman-man Rosie O'Donnell and narrowly escaped being devoured. Just like always, it wasn't guns that pulled him through, it was his moustache.

4. Hercule Poirot
Certainly a vast departure from that typical image of a manly moustache, the soup-strainer of the plucky little Belgian nonetheless has its own statement to make. Poirot represents a more cerebral sort of moustached man, employing his "little grey cells" to understand "the psychology" and solve mysteries, bringing murderers to justice.

Sadly I don't know if there has ever been an actor who could fully demonstrate the awesomeness of Poirot's moustache but as David Suchet was pretty much born to play the role, he wins by default. Actually, regarding the 1974 film version of Murder on the Orient Express, Agatha Christie herself said she was mostly pleased with it except that she felt actor Albert Finney's moustache didn't quite measure up.

No one could ever accuse Hercule Poirot of being overly modest as he would often boast of his skills and expect his reputation to precede him wherever in the world he traveled but at least in the case of his moustache's own magnificence, he can hardly be faulted. He simply knew that his was one of the top in existence so he saw no need to be modest about it. He would often reference his moustache's perfection as well as constantly tend to it so that it always appeared flawless.

Poirot was always running up against retired Britsh military officers and members of Scotland Yard. These men were almost always tall and broad-shouldered and sporting manly moustaches. But it was the penguin-like Poirot who came out on top in the end and having the superior 'stache gave him the edge.


3. Hulk Hogan
Throughout the history of professional wrestling, there have been many who have come and gone. And of those many, there were many still who had to rely on flashy costumes, masks and tattoos to make themselves stand out. All Hulk Hogan needed was his moustache.

I ask you - could you even imagine him without it? Surely, without it, he could never have fought Rocky himself (against Vince MacMahon's wishes no less), hosted Saturday Night Live, caused a sensation known as "Hulkamania" and body slammed all 520 pounds of Andre the Giant to the mat.

Even when he underwent an image change as the villainous "Hollywood Hogan" in the NWO, he retained his moustache. Sampson had his long hair, Hogan has his handlebar 'stache. Only a manly man equipped with such a moustache could have come up with the genius macho practice of ripping his own shirt asunder. The fact is, Hogan's macho and manly achievements are almost too numerous to mention here so I will simply point out that the one remaining constant throughout it all was his moustache. No way that's a coincidence.

2. Super Mario
The greatest video game hero of all time by far. OF COURSE he has a moustache! How else could he have pulled it off? To date he has appeared in over two hundred games and he's working his mighty moustache in every single one.

I have absolutely no friggin' clue how Shigeru Miyomato came up with the idea that the main character in a game he was making in the early eighties should have been a short, roundish Italian plumber. But apparently it had something to do with wanting to portray him as an ordinary working-man type and someone remarked he looked more like a plumber than a carpenter (the original profession suggested for him). After that, I guess the rest wrote itself: a plumber could be in the sewers and...um, because of limited graphical capabilities at the time, it was decided to give him a moustache to avoid having to animate a mouth. Just as he was given a cap so they wouldn't have to deal with hair. Logically, this character should be Italian and called Mario (named after the owner of Nintendo's American warehouse). It makes so much sense!!

Anyway, Mario is one of the most popular and recognizable characters on the planet and his moustache is an integral part of him. I'm sure that when they decided to add his brother, Luigi, it was inconceivable to consider not also giving that jumping Italian plumber a moustache as well. And their activities, while often bizarre and fantastical to say the least, still usually come down to a simple, manly formula - braving extreme dangers to rescue some broad. From jumping barrels thrown by an ape to hurling fireballs at deranged turtles to somehow flying through the sky using a racoon tail, Mario did it all while wearing his trusty moustache.

1. Lanny McDonald
Should we really be surprised that the ultimate moustache belongs to a hockey player? I mean, really. McDonald's moustache is so epic and overwhelming that lesser moustaches actually burst into flame in his presence. The man once went out in the rain and was then able to fill a well for a parched African village using the water collected in his moustache. He's been known to offer shelter under it to those caught in thunder storms. If lighting hits McDonald's 'stache, it is immediately converted into cold fusion (this is the rumoured source of the power for his wrist shot).

After a career as prolific goal-scorer for the Medicine Hat Tigers in junior, McDonald was drafted fourth overall by the Leafs in 1973 and didn't disappoint once he reached the big league. After scoring 14 and 17 goals in his first two seasons respectively, he exploded for a four-season run of at least 37 goals, scoring over 43 in three of them, playing as Darryl Sittler's right winger. In 79/80 he was on his way to another forty goal season when he was traded to the god-awful Colorado Rockies. (I'll talk some more another time on this baffling trade and why it happened.)

He was a point-a-game player for the parts of three seasons he was in Colorado and that's really saying something considering just how terrible they were. He landed in Calgary during the 81/82 season, on his way to yet another forty goal campaign. He would play out the rest of his career as a Flame, becoming one of the most popular players in franchise history, retiring in storybook fashion scoring his 500th goal in his final season and captaining the Flames to their first, and to date only, Stanley Cup in 1989.

In 82/83, his first full season with the Flames, his moustache kicked into overdrive. That year he finished second in the league in goal scoring behind Wayne Gretzky with an amazing 66 goals. It also made for one of the more interesting statistical seasons in NHL history in that he only had 32 assists. Scoring seasons where a player has more goals than assists, especially when it's a significant number of goals, are rare. Seasons where a player scores more than twice as many goals as assists are almost unheard of. With 98 total points he set the record as the player to score the most goals without reaching the 100 point mark.

A two-time second team All Star, 500 career goal scorer, Stanley Cup champion and Hockey Hall of Fame member, McDonald is the most famous moustache in Canadian history. And although it has declined a bit with age, no longer the brilliant red it was in its prime, I'll dare to declare it as the most spectacular moustache in the entire world.

Michael Jackson's Oddest Transformations

I have to apologize for doing a list like this at a time when the Internet is practically overflowing with Michael Jackson related stuff, but it was an idea for a list I've had for a while, and now seems like the right time.

I listened to Michael's music a lot growing up, and I consider myself a fan. I enjoy his songs, his performances, and think he was a phenomenal talent (As if you haven't heard that before). For as long as I've been alive I could count on Michael Jackson to deliver some awesome songs, but also some completely random entertainment. I would say that not a single aspect of his life was normal, but I don't mean that in a negative way. He was a one of a kind performer, a unique celebrity, and one of the strangest eccentric personalities we'll probably ever see in our lifetime. I just can't help but like a guy who will throw millions of dollars into a music video to make it a one of a kind experience. The man didn't know how to make a short video, but at least we can agree it was never boring.

So, here goes a list of the strangest transformations I can think of from his career. And, no, I'm not referring to his real life physical transformations. Just the ones from his music videos and short films.

5. A Panther (Black or White)
In the original version of the Black or White video, there was a 4 minute segment where Michael leaves the studio as a panther, transforms into a human, does some complicated dance moves, and then transforms back in a panther. This part was censored for most of its airings due to excessive crotch-grabbing and Michael randomly vandalizing a vehicle and some windows. Later on some racist graffiti was digitally added to the glass to make the window-smashing more agreeable.

Seems a bit weird to me that people would have problems with that. Crotch-grabbing is Michael Jackson's trademark, and do we really need to digitally add an explanation for his vandalism? No one bothered to explain why he had turned into a Goddamn panther! Also, sorry there's no picture. I couldn't find one, but you know what a panther looks like.

4. A Dancing Skeleton (Ghosts)
Remember that crazy music video where Robbie Williams dances in front of a bunch of girls, peels off all of his skin and muscles, and then dances around as a skeleton? Well Michael Jackson had done that old routine 4 years prior in the completely insane 35 minute music video Ghosts.

In the video he contorts his face is a bunch of frightening ways, then ends up pulling his face off like a mask. Later in the video he does the who shebang and dances around as a CG skeleton. The whole production is pretty inexplicable and pointless, but as I said before, I have to give him credit for getting the biggest names in special effects on board for this Halloween special of a music video.

3. A Biker Rabbit (Speed Demon)
As I know this video is only from the movie Moonwalker, and I used to watch it as a kid on beta video. I remember feeling very confused and sort of frightened by the characters, but still being oddly mesmerized.

In the video Michael is chased around by some grotesque claymation characters who are apparently crazed fans. In order to outwit them he dresses up as -and turns into - a giant biker rabbit ... thing. I don't know. He rides around on a motorcycle at high speeds and morphs into various celebrities like Tina Turner, Sylvester Stallone, and even Pee-wee Herman. It honestly didn't make a lick of sense then, and it doesn't make a bit of sense now.

2. A Zombie with Moves (Thriller)
I really do love the video for Thriller. In the past I thought it was ridiculous, but it's grown on me. I almost added the werewolf transformation from Thriller to this list but then I thought about it some more. Sure, Michael transforms into a werewolf (or maybe it was a werecat), but he just chases the girl around and attacks her. That's exactly what you'd expect a monster to do.

But this is a list of the weirdest transformations, and what's weirder that someone suddenly becoming a zombie and then instead of munching down on some braaaaaiiiiinss, they break into a cool choreographed dance with all the other zombies? As a lover of zombies, that scene is pure entertainment gold, and just another example of Michael delivering the unexpected.

1. The Amazing Colossal Mecha Man (Moonwalker)
Another fantastical transformation from the Moonwalker movie. In the final (and arguably only) story of the movie, we have Michael playing a gangster who is trying to save some kids from an evil drug lord called Mr. Big, played by Joe Pesci. Mr. Big and his henchmen chase Michael all over the city. Little do they know that when in tough spot, Michael can wish upon a shooting start and become ... a giant robot!

What is Michael's oddest transformation? How about becoming a Transformer!! In the movie we see his character change into a futuristic car, a giant laser-shooting robot, and then a spaceship. He even blows up Joe Pesci. What more do you want?

As far as musical stars go, Michael is larger than life in every way. With videos and movies like Moonwalker we can see that he is always willing to go the extra mile to do something new and unusual; changing into animals, monsters, machines, and more. It's best not to ask why, but simply sit back and be entertained.

Completely Overrated Frontmen

In the realm of rock & roll, a lot of bands get along just fine without a lead singer that possesses a dynamic stage presence. As long as they're talented musicians who make good music and the singer's talent is at least equal to that of the others and his or her voice fits the music well, a definitive "frontman" isn't required. And there are plenty of vocalists who don't really have that reputation but I certainly believe to be plenty dynamic and have lots of stage presence.

But today's list is based on those vocalists who are always described by the aforementioned label. Except this list isn't going to single out those frontmen who definitely deserve their titles and reputations - a great frontman who comes to mind is Queen's Freddie Mercury - no, this list is going to point out those who fall far, far short of the mark someone like Mr. Mercury established and yet have developed reputations as stellar frontmen anyway. It's time to take them down a notch and there's no one better for the job than I.

5. Mick Jagger, The Rolling Stones
Don't worry, I'm not going to pick on him too much. I realize that Mick is a good frontman and has done the job quite well for a long time. He makes this list simply because he is so often referred to as the ultimate frontman and I just can't buy into that. I know he struts around and has a signature style that has been imitated many, many times over the years. I know that even at his advanced age, he still displays a wild energy on stage that truly comes from his love of music and performing. I know the clothes he wears for concerts suit him well and have only sometimes strayed into the territory of ridiculous, which is quite impressive considering he performed throughout the seventies and eighties. I know all this and I am not trying to argue that he isn't a good frontman. I can only state that he is an overrated frontman whose style only really works because of the kind of music the Stones make.

I see the trappings in a statement such as that - of course it's the Stones' music that his style should fit. I only mean that it really wouldn't work outside of the band's repertoire. Again, who the hell should care? They're THE ROLLING STONES not some lame cover band. I get that. So it's funny. It looks like all I've done here is made an argument for why he should be considered a great frontman. All I can say is he's not that great. If you're smart, you'll agree.

4. Bono, U2
I've never been into U2 and I've never understood their collosal fame, really. I've listened to The Joshua Tree and it's never blown my mind. I don't think it ever will. But anyway, on to Bono. He's such an egomaniac that not only is he one of those annoying rock stars who wants to be only known by one name as if he's a unique and beautiful snowflake amongst this mass of humanity that makes up the rest of us lame, normal people, he's also given himself a name that translates into "good voice". Well, bravo.

As far as stage presence goes, I will make the shocking and radical claim that Bono actually possesses NONE. Not only am I calling him overrated as a frontman, I am saying he is subpar. Although it's true he doesn't make any huge effort to stand out from the other members on the band and that's something I respect, I also will contend that if he tried to, he would fail miserably. There's really nothing that memorable about the man when he performs. No trademark moves or habits. Again I feel the very best frontmen don't need such gimmicks but in Bono's case, maybe a gimmick or two wouldn't hurt. As far as his "good voice" goes, I can take it or leave it. He's never sang a line that sent shivers up my spine.

3. Chris Martin, Coldplay
For years I've considered Coldplay to be a pretty good band. I simply thought of them as yet another 4-piece group with a lead vocalist that would ocassionally strap on a guitar or sit in front of a piano. These parts were always simple and it was understood his job was foremost to sing. And he sings well enough.

But somewhere over the past few years as Coldplay's fame has grown and grown to the point that they are riduclously huge, Martin started to buy into some of that hype and perhaps believe he was the major reason for the group's success. That Coldplay was essentially Chris Martin. The other members were replaceable but take away Chris Martin and there is no Coldplay. He might even be right about that.

But another curious thing that happened as the band's fame mounted was that he started to earn the reputation of a dynamic frontman. And once again, he bought into it. Suddenly he was wandering all over the place during performances, sometimes leaving the stage to allow his adoring fans to put their hands on him as he sang - something a lot of rock stars have done and will continue to do. But is it just me who thinks this doesn't suit Martin at all? I even saw him do this once during a TODAY SHOW PERFORMANCE which was on some street at about eleven in the morning. He must have been disappointed that no one was waving lighters.

Coldplay are an alright band and Chris Martin is an alright vocalist but a frontman he is not.

2. Steven Tyler, Aerosmith
A lot of the reasons I have for criticizing Jagger as a frontman also apply to Tyler. But he's higher on the list because in many ways he is less unique, even imitating Jagger in some ways. Like Jagger, Tyler's vocal style and stage presence work well with the type of music his band makes but if you drop him outside of that, he's quite silly. A lot of people thought it was really cool when Aerosmith produced a version of "Walk This Way" featuring Run/DMC and while I'll admit it sounds pretty good, the video for it is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. It's pretty bad when Tyler's movements look dated and lame in 1987. What about nowadays?

What can I say? Having huge lips and tying a bandanna around every part of your body and your mic stand does not translate into being a great frontman.

1. Scott Weiland, Stone Temple Pilots, Revolver
I can't begin to tell you just how sick I am of reading about and hearing about how amazing Weiland is as a frontman. He's there on all the lists in Spin and Rolling Stone or on MuchMoreMusic or VH1. And they're wrong. Plain and simple.

Weiland is so convinced that he is unique, powerful and sexy that he's created a whole stage persona based on it. And a lot of people buy it for some reason. All I see is an emaciated fool trying to rip off the likes of Mick Jagger and Iggy Pop while performing music that ranges from mediocre to damn awful. The guy spends almost as much time shirtless as Anthony Kiedis and constantly insists on wearing leather pants despite the fact that very, very few frontmen have actually pulled that off well over the decades. Jim Morrison and maybe one or two others. But Jim Morrison he is not, even if he did get to play around with surviving members of The Doors on a few occasions (and shame on them for encouraging him).

I love rock and roll and there are many iconic images associated with rock and roll that remain forever burned in my brain. But a dead-eyed drug-addict flouncing around with a pink feather boa around his neck while he whines out cookie-cutter rock songs is one I only conjur up to fuel my outrage as I write this list.

The Worst Crap Robin Williams Has Ever Done

Like any popular actor out there, Robin Williams has made some poor choices. And that's ok because his good work is really good and he's succeeded in establishing himself as more than a standout comedic talent - not an easy thing to do.

But even when he's not being funny, Williams has shown he can deliver an effective dramatic performance under the right circumstances. Whether he's balancing that with some of his funniness as in Good Morning, Vietnam or Dead Poets Society or just being straight-up like in Good Will Hunting or Insomnia. And when he's being funny, he's usually one of the very best. So he should be commended for his talent and accomplishments.

But not here. Not today. No, today, we're here to slam him for his worst offenses ever put onto film.

5. The Final Cut (2004)
I'll admit I have very little to say about this one as it was so horrendously boring, I could barely pay attention to it. But when I first heard of it, the plot sounded interesting. Williams' involvement actually meant little to me as I understood this to be a drama/thriller with sci-fi elements. I just assumed he'd fit in fine. I suppose I can't fault him for being especially bad in this movie. It's just an especially bad movie where an actor like Williams seems ridiculously out of place due to its tone. Now I've noted Williams is capable of fitting into a darkly toned movie but there's just no chance of it here.

In a not too distant future, he plays a "cutter" - a person with the task of editing a person's experiences, recorded via a chip implanted shortly after birth, into short little films called "rememories" to be viewed upon the person's death. The movie has 1984-like themes with some bureau sort of editing history as they see fit but just let me save you some grief by telling you to skip it cause it is booooring. Williams can be entertaining even when he's bad but he's such a non-presence in this movie (as the main character) I have to mark it down as one of his worst.

4. RV (2006)
This is more familiar territory for Williams. A lacklustre affair about an annoying, dysfunctional family enduring wacky happenings as they vacation through Colorado in a large RV. It's the same old crap we've seen before but this time with JoJo!

Williams is the patriarch of this irritating little ensemble and he's shown to be drifting from his wife as he concentrates on his career and he's more or less alienated from his stupid, adolescent offspring, a boy and a girl. The plot is what we've already seen a thousand times and the "humour" is lame piled on more lame.

One especially awful scene features Williams trying to make his son appear hip to a group of wiggers by "speaking their language". You know, in 1993 we could at least crack a smile as Williams attempted rapping with a toy velociraptor. But in 2006, Robin Williams trying to speak "street" or "fly" or whatever the fuck is unforgivable. Now, it's not like his attempt wins the kids over and it does embarrass his son but it's still just so painful to watch context simply cannot excuse it.

Everything else is just Williams' character trying to hold together his pathetic family (don't ask me why) while at the same time deceiving them that they're on a regular vacation while in fact he's trying to get ahead in his job yet again. I'm pretty sure there's a part where a hose blasts shit - a good metaphor for this film.

3. Jumanji (1995)
Next.









2. FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)
I actually saw this animated abortion in theatres. Before you move to condemn me, allow me first to point out: 1. I was nine years old. 2. I didn't actually intend to see it - my sister and I had gone to see Beethoven and it was sold out so we were stuck with the only other movie with a G rating.

As for how truly terrible this movie is, I don't even know where to begin. I mean, have you seen it? And Tim Curry also somehow found himself mired in this mess as well. I could weep. But instead I'll just get angry. The animation, while not on par with Disney, was decent. After that, every single aspect falls far, far below the comparatively Olympian level of decent. It's a movie with a message - save the goddamn rainforest! But this isn't really communicated too well. Basically, it tells the poor kids duped into seeing it (as I was) not to cut down the rainforest. Well, since I'm pretty sure most kids aren't loggers in Brazil or whatever, I guess they could leave this movie feeling pretty good about themselves. Actually, no, they couldn't. Because this movie is shit.

Now to Williams - he voices a bat. Guess what his amazingly hilarious schtick is - crashing into stuff. And he does so, over and over and over. Which is actually tolerable when measured against his horrific "musical" number wherein Williams, as an animated retarded bat that has been repeatedly experimented on...raps. I could bring up lots more vomit-inducing elements this movie features but for the sake of my sanity as well as yours (and you should save your vomit for the next one), I'll stop here.

1. Popeye (1980)
Maybe you think it's unfair of me to include this one. Well, let me tell you something: life isn't fair. Which is the precise reason why I, a person who DESPISES Popeye with every fibre of his being and wishes he could travel back in time and somehow obliterate it from history (that's right, even ahead of Woody Woodpecker and Scrappy Doo) was exposed to a feature-length film about him with no means of escape.

How did this happen, you ask? Well, as a result of apparently having absolutely no screening process whatsoever, Acadia Lines managed to employ a sadistic and highly insane bus driver who one frozen February night a few years ago, chose to forego the company's long ago established policy of no longer showing movies on trips and, guided by the hand of Satan himself, selected a VHS copy of Popeye to expose his passengers to - good, decent people who actually PAID for this hellish voyage under the pretext that they wouldn't be subjected to excruciating torture. The regular torture of a winter Halifax to Sydney bus voyage, sure, but not this. But we were. And so, even though it was only on a tiny screen and the volume was low, I saw the movie, Popeye. My batteries were dead and reading on the bus makes me sick. Needless to say, I got quite sick.

Anyway, I don't care if this is a good representation of Popeye or decent or bad or whatever - I simply HATE Popeye and all interpretations of him - I can't even play the little Popeye game included on 31 in 1. It was all just so horrible - it looked like it was filmed at the very edge of the world somewhere. There were no trees, just rocks and water and....sorry, I blacked out for a moment there. The sad fact is that even though I did everything I could short of sleeping or suicide to resist, I have seen this movie and I can never unsee it. So yeah, Williams was a no-name guy at the time (well, I guess he was recognized by the name, Mork) and just wanted to break into films but I don't care.

For doing this movie - which hurt me for EVERY SINGLE SECOND it ran, and it even featured SONGS for christ's sake - there is a special place in hell reserved for Robin Williams and no amount of good work can save him from this fate. I know that's in direct contradiction to what I said in my intro but...but it's POPEYE. No forgiveness.