Cole's Favourite Transformers

When I was a kid, I watched lots of the popular cartoons of the day ("the day" being the mid eighties through mid nineties, mostly). Some of those even included shows geared towards girls, like the original My Little Pony (more because of its timeslot than anything else, I think, although I'm not trying to make excuses here) and Jem (which I genuinely enjoyed for some reason). But still, being a boy, it was stuff like He-Man (and, yes, She-Ra), GI JOE, M.A.S.K. and Voltron (which became my favourite when I was much older) that I liked the most. Hell, even more forgettable stuff like Bravestarr was alright by me.

But one show stood above them all. This was the show that I followed as closely as I could and collected as many of its toys as my parents would buy for me. Since the entire purpose of this show was to get kids to buy their toy line, in my case I would say mission accomplished and then some. This show of course was The Transformers. Even though some episodes and characters were totally phoned in and stupid, and there were animation errors aplenty (more than any other cartoon I can think of) I'd contend that actually the vast majority of the content was really good. I mean, as this was a show created simply to advertise a toy line, it would be understandable if it was all halfassed, forgettable crap. But I believe its creators really put a lot of effort into the animation, characters and stories. It's amazing how well much of it still holds up even all these years later.

Because the series's main mandate was to sell toys, TONS of characters were introduced. Of all the shows I watched as a kid, Transformers easily had the biggest cast. And as I've said, this definitely led to a quantity-over-quality approach. With so many characters, good guys and bad guys, vying for screentime, many of them were one-dimensional and lame, with their only redeeming quality being perhaps their transformed mode.

This also led to a lot of annoying voices since, with such limited time to develop characters, the easiest way to differentiate between them was making their voices and/or way of speaking somehow stand out from everyone else. This gave us results such as THREE characters who spoke in rhyme (Jazz thankfully only briefly, Blaster occasionally and Wheelie ALL THE GODDAMN TIME),  the tank, Warpath, endlessly punctuating his sentences with exclamations of "Bang!", "Zoom!" and crap like that, some weird accents (Tracks, Outback, and someone who appears on this list) and miscellaneous weirdness like the Dinobots (speaking like braindead retards), Blurr (talking like a superfast retard) and Seaspray (gurgling?).

There were some great characters, though. And, of course, Transformers exists in all kinds of media besides the show, like comics, movies as well as tons of different updates of the show. So plenty of characters were given more dimension there. All are in different continuities and sometimes make changes to various characters. For this list I'm considering characters based on ALL their appearances. Let's get to it.

5. Razorclaw (Transformed mode: Lion)
While hardly a major character in any incarnation of Transformers, Razorclaw is still the leader of the Predacons unit, and that has to count for something. Actually, in the IDW Comics continuity, the Predacons are considered one of the most elite units in the entire Deception force. And, typical of being a Predacon I guess, in most media he's shown to be one of the most capable fighters when it comes to hand to hand combat.

He's proven himself a good leader as well, with a sort of all-business attitude that's actually kind of unique among Decepticons. I guess I like him because the Predacons are my favourite Combiners in all of Transformers and, as their leader, he's their best representative. He transforms into a lion and is often able to overwhelm opponents in this mode. When in robot form he wields a really cool sword (officially called a sonic sword as it's able to emit powerful vibrations) and you know I love swords. Not many transformers, Autobot or Decepticon, have swords so this makes him unique as well. An effective tracker as well as commander, it breaks my heart I never had his toy.

Personal Crowning Moment of Awesome: I'd go with the episode "Nightmare Planet" from the original animated series. Specifically when he's forced to team up with Autobot, Springer in battling his way out of a castle created by Daniel Witwicky's dreams (yeah, it's a weird one).  The castle is owned by a fearsome dragon and Springer, wielding some kind of trident, rode Razorclaw (in lion mode, obviously) and they charged the dragon, managing to kill it. Serving as horsey for the enemy may seem like an odd pick but trust me, it's really cool.


4. Galvatron (Transformed mode: Laser cannon)
Well, I think you'd all agree that this guy definitely is a major character. Some people might've even doubled down, taking the old Megatron/Galvatron route, fitting in two characters
for the price of one. They'd certainly be justified in doing so. But to me, Megatron and Galvatron are separate characters and should be treated as such. While in most continuities, most notably the original show, he was formerly Megatron, he wasn't in all of them. In the IDW comics, for instance, he is a completely separate character who actually predated Megatron by millions of years. And even if you are dealing with a continuity where he isn't, I still believe the change (or, transformation, if you'll allow me) was enough that there's really nothing tying him to Megatron anymore besides a fanatical desire to defeat the Autobots.

If this list was a few slots longer I would definitely include Megatron because he is awesome and probably one of the best villains you can find. He's extremely powerful, brutal, charismatic and, even though it's true he kind of loses all the time (such is the fate of the villain), actually quite a competent leader. He's even shown to be quite rational, sometimes putting aside his hatred of the Autobots for the sake of the greater good (although in those cases the greater good only counts because it involves saving his own skin and that of his Decepticons). It seems every time he dies he manages to come back and just his name strikes fear into the hearts (or...circuits, I guess) of Autobots and those on the side of good.

So why am I picking Galvatron over him? For starters, one key difference between him and Megatron is that he (Galvatron) is most definitely NOT rational. While Megatron could certainly became enraged and occasionally fly off the handle, this is basically the permanent setting for Galvatron. He's always screaming and ranting and raving, threatening everyone around him. While that could just as easily be an argument for why he isn't as cool as Megs, personally, it just really appeals to me. Galvatron is a fucking lunatic and I love him for it. It makes him wildly unpredictable and ridiculously dangerous. In the continuity of the Generation One cartoon, it's his defeat at the hands of Rodimus Prime (The Transformers The Movie) that really drives him over the edge. Things get kind of confusing after that because in both this continuity (as continued in the Transformers Headmasters series that never aired in North America) as well as the Marvel Comics continuity, there are diverging timeliness involving his path, so multiple versions of him result.

In the world of IDW comics, Galvatron hails from Cybertron's fabled (and oft-referenced) Golden Age, which predates that continuity's setting by a few million years. That's before there were such things as Autobots and Decepticons and he was actually close friends with that era's Prime, Nova Prime. Here he's part of a spaceship crew (the first Ark) that is lost in an anomaly sending them into what's known as the Dead Universe, where he became an undead being. I don't think I'm spoiling anything by saying that he eventually shows up in the present to trouble the Autobots.

In most continuities he's presented as even more powerful than Megatron, which is really saying something. Hell, in some he's nigh invincible. I love the purple colour scheme (purple seems to always work so well as the colour of evil in various things for some reason) too.

Personal Crowning Moment of Awesome: For a guy like him, there are many but it's tough to beat his arrival on Char just after his rebirth at the hands of Unicron (The Transformers The Movie). The devastated Decepticons have reluctantly allowed Starscream to assume leadership in the wake of Megatron's demise when suddenly Galvatron touches down with the also newly created Cyclonus.

Starscream: Who disrupts my coronation?
Galvatron: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.
Starscream: Megatron? Is that you?!?!
Galvatron: Here's a hint! (Transforms into cannon mode and blasts Starscream to ashes)

It's so awesome you should see it. So here you go.




3. Sky Lynx (Transformed mode: It's...complicated)
Here we have a truly unique transformer. This guy doesn't even have a robot mode. Instead Sky Lynx is a sort of triple-changer who actually has FOUR (just three in the Marvel comics though) unique forms, those being: lynx, space bird (?), space shuttle and...space bird with lynx legs? I don't know. But it doesn't matter because he's awesome. And he knows it too. In fact, he repeatedly lets everyone around him know just how awesome he is. Just how full of himself is he? Well, consider this quote from the Generation One show: "Before you do anything, think, 'Is this what Sky Lynx would do in my position?' , and you will not go far wrong." ("Call of the Primitives").

Holding the rank of Lieutenant Commander, which maybe isn't all that impressive because Grimlock does too, I'll always associate Sky Lynx with my memory of the commercial for his toy (which also featured the Predacons/Predaking, something we'll explore in further detail below) which used footage from the show as well as catchy musical hook ("It's Sky Lynx!). I actually had this commercial on tape, as it appeared during an episode of Ducktales, another great cartoon from that era.

By Season Three of the Generation One show, Omega Supreme was still around but Sky Lynx seemed to take over as the Autobots's de facto mode of transportation when going on missions deep in space and/or to other planets. And, unlike the Decepticon equivalent for this, the triple-changer Astrotrain, he actually retained his giant size. Strangely enough, while in his own shuttle mode, Astrotrain is large enough to transport many of his fellow Decepticons (a good example is in the movie right after the battle at Metroplex where Starscream tosses out the nearly-dead Megatron) but as a robot, is the same size as the average transformer. The two have actually battled each other several times. But, as the aforementioned commercial suggests, it's the Predacons Sky Lynx has a real rivalry with, clashing with them on numerous occasions. In the Generation One episode, "Call of the Primitives", where he is front and centre, it must have really galled him to be lumped into the same group as the Predacons as well as the Dinobots and the various animal cassettes. In that instance he immediately named himself leader of that group. Also to his shame, during the show he was often mistakenly animated with a Decepticon insignia. How insulting!

Personal Crowning Moment of Awesome: While his rescue of the Aerialbots (as Superion) in the episode "The Big Broadcast of 2006" (a favourite of mine) deserves a mention, I'd say it was his role in locating and bringing back a Quintesson during the Hate Plague ("The Return of Optimus Prime parts 1 & 2"). Fortunately one of the few Autobots not infected by the plague was the magnificent Sky Lynx as he was the only one left capable of spaceflight. The Quintesson he retrieves is successful in restoring Optimus Prime to life and Prime discovers how to stop the plague. Sky Lynx then helps Optimus against Galvatron and although he later does wind up being infected by Rodimus, his prior actions led to the curing of the plague.


2. Optimus Prime (Transformed mode: varying kinds of 18 wheeler truck)
Like on some of my other lists, we've come to an entry on a character who is so iconic and so celebrated that I'm at a loss for what to say about him. There have been many, many different incarnations of the Transformers over different forms of media. And while some can get pretty different and "out there" when compared to the original show and Marvel comic, the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, is always present. Although his character doesn't exactly appear in the Japanese animated series Super God Masterforce, his form does at the least (Ginrai) and as far as I can tell, that's really the lone exception.

Naturally it's his depiction in the Generation One cartoon that still stands as probably the most iconic and it's the one I draw the most from with the current ongoing IDW comic series coming in second. I mean, honestly, how could he have had the same initial impact without the brilliant voice talent of the legendary Peter Cullen? Even Michael Bay and the geniuses behind the live-action film series realized that there was no way they'd succeed if they didn't get the man himself to once again voice Prime. And  while you can say what you want about those movies, back in 2007 when I saw the first one, hearing Cullen's voice in the theatre literally sent shivers down my spine.

Optimus is leader of the Autobots but he's not the type to lead from the back. Whatever's going on, he's in the thick of the action. And while it's true that many characters on the original show were often poorly written and forgettable, Optimus was ALWAYS well-written, exuding courage, strength, wisdom and compassion that often transcended the cartoon. As weird as it sounds, this giant transforming alien robot warrior was actually a good role model for the children who watched the show. He always showed reluctance to battle the Decepticons and often expressed his disappointment and frustration with constantly being forced to fight. He lamented that Megatron and the Decepticons couldn't learn that their way of attempting to conquer everything around them by force was wrong, that it was anything but glorious. But when it came time to fight, he was ready.

And really, there was no one better at it. As I said, Optimus was an incredibly "hands on" leader. He wasn't just a brilliant commander and tactician but was unequaled in battle prowess. Whether he was firing away with his ion blaster laser rifle, fighting hand to hand or even in vehicle form, he was a force to be reckoned with, able to defeat many enemies single-handedly, best Megatron one on one and even fight off much larger opponents. The Decepticons knew to fear him and few would dare engage him without plenty of support.

Probably the best depiction of Optimus becoming a Prime is the IDW comic miniseries Transformers: Autocracy. Set on Cybertron just before the Great War (the beginning of the millions of years of Autobots vs Decepticons conflict), Autobot commander (of what was a special police unit back then) Orion Pax is given the task of rooting out terrorist Decepticon cells sowing dissent throughout the city-state of Kaon. The Prime at that time was Sentinel Prime.

As noted above, some version of Optimus Prime exists in every incarnation of Transformers and while they have their differences, all are great leaders. Still, Peter Cullen, much like Kevin Conroy with Batman, gives the definitive vocal performance and his is the voice I hear in my head whenever I read any of the comics.

Personal Crowning Moment of Awesome: Too many to mention, obviously. He had one in nearly every episode of the original show and plenty more were to follow in other shows, comics and movies. He even has some great ones in the much-maligned live action films. Personally, I love his highway battle with Bonecrusher in the 2007 movie. Even his death scene in the animated movie could be considered one. But for me, it's not a moment of glorious combat or even that dramatic a moment that always resonates the most. I'm going to give it a pretty long setup because I think that's the only way to give it proper justice so bear with me.

In the Generation One cartoon, there's an episode called "The Core" wherein Megatron has the Decepticons construct a massive drill to tap into the earth's molten core. The plan is to harvest geothermal energy thus giving themselves either an alternative to Energon or possibly an ingredient to make it; it's never explicitly stated.

The plan, as pointed out by Starscream, is incredibly risky as the deeper they drill, the greater the chance of breaching the core and causing the earth to explode. Megatron brushes this off, saying he has a contingency plan in place: a space bridge capable of teleporting the Decepticons to Cybertron is nearby in the event of the drill threatening the earth's stability. The Constructicons build and operate the drill.

As you would expect, the Autobots discover this plan and try to stop the Decepticons. To counter the power of Devastator, whom they know Megatron would surely deploy against them, Wheeljack and Chip (Spike's wheelchair-bound friend) created "dominator discs" - small discs that need to be placed on each individual Constructicon. Once this is accomplished, when they combine to form Devastator, the discs will activate and allow the Autobots to take control of Devastator.

Blah, blah, blah. They get the discs on the Constructicons, predictably the drill goes haywire and the earth is in danger, the space bridge becomes damaged so now the Decepticons are in the same boat and Megatron agrees to work with the Autobots to save the planet. Devastator, who had briefly been under Autobot control as planned but isn't anymore, uses his strength to destroy the drill. But when he returns he finds Megatron and the other Decepticons have fled. Chip tells him his "noble leader" ran to save his own hide but Devastator, loyal to a fault, states he left to plan his next attack, as a good leader would. He takes off and Chip sighs. He says he was hoping that Devastator/The Constructicons really would join the Autobots but dismisses it as a "dumb old dream." As the music dramatically comes up, Optimus comforts Chip with these words: "Hang onto your dreams, chip. For the future is built on dreams. Hang on."

Maybe that seems like me making a big deal out of something rather simplistic but between the writing, the music and Cullen's delivery, I think it will always be my favourite Optimus Prime moment. It's stuck with me ever since I first saw it more than twenty-five years ago.




1. Starscream (Transformed mode: F-15 Eagle fighter jet [Gen 1]; F-22 Raptor [IDW])
Just like with Optimus Prime, you pretty much can't do a version of Transformers without the scheming, treacherous Air Commander Starscream. So known and revered is he for his conniving nature that he is actually the Trope Namer for such characters across fiction. Simply put, nobody out-Starscreams Starscream.

The earliest indication of Starscream's ambition is in his bio on the box for his original 1984 toy, where it's mentioned that he desires to lead the Decepticons. Then in the very first episode of the original show, within the first five freaking minutes his stance is heavily hinted at and he winds up making a power play, beginning a long streak of failure. Seriously, even in the episodes where he didn't have any specific plan to overthrow Megatron, he's always criticizing him, quite openly. This of course leads one to wonder why a ruthless commander like Megatron would ever tolerate Starscream. Hell, Cracked even did their own list on this subject back in 2009.

The accepted explanation for this is that Megatron, as a Decepticon, actually values and encourages a certain amount of ambition and guile in his troops, plus, since Starscream is so bad at seizing power, he gets to constantly punish him and demonstrate the folly of challenging him to the rest of his underlings. And it isn't lost on Megatron that for all his whining, scheming and criticizing, Starscream still is a very capable and effective soldier. He is the leader of the Seeker jets after all and does instill a healthy amount of fear and respect in the Autobots. This is even shown in the 2007 film.

Still, sometimes he does prove to be more trouble than he's worth. The episode "Starscream's Brigade" may be the best example of this from the Generation One show. After another unsuccessful attempt to take out Megatron, Starscream is beaten by his superior then dumped (by Laserbeak - arguably the most effective Decepticon there's ever been if you stop to think about it) on a remote island in the south Pacific. Here he discovers several old wrecks of military vehicles from World War Two and is inspired to create an army of his own. He brazenly makes his way to Cybertron and steals the personality components of five renegade Decepticons that were stored in a detention centre. He returns to the island and installs them in five of the vehicles. Thus the Combaticons were born.

Starscream, by virtue of activating his new "friends" without installing energy absorbers, leaving them dependent on him to get some for them, is able to get them to do what he wants. Eventually he leads them in an attack against Megatron and the Decepticons and at first, they're winning. Megs plays his trump card, having the Constructicons merge into Devastator. However, the Combaticons show they also are Combiners and form Bruticus, who quickly despatches his giant counterpart. Only the late arrival of the Stunticons saves the day, with their combined form, Menasor, taking Bruticus by surprise and defeating him. For once, Starscream's actions have real consequences as Megatron banishes him and the Combaticons to deep space, having Astrotrain dump them on a distant asteroid.

After so many humiliating defeats and setbacks, Starscream finally does manage to depose Megatron, throwing his nearly lifeless body out of Astrotrain (oh, the irony!) after the disastrous attack on Metroplex. Of course, his stint as leader is short lived as the newly born Galvatron arrives to destroy him. (The Transformers The Movie)

As much as I love Starscream from the original show, it was in the comics where he often really shined. Longtime Marvel scribe Simon Furman  would portray him as more intelligent and often sarcastic. Here he suffered less defeats and humiliation and was often the main focus of many stories. He was a bit more respected by his comrades and his enemies here and he was always very competent.  The IDW comics would follow this approach. He's one of Megatron's first supporters before the Great War and, because of his charisma, was deployed as a Decepticon recruiter. Two of his targets that didn't join up were Blurr and Hot Rod but with many others he was successful. But it wasn't just his silver tongue that made him an effective operative. He, along with an assist from Shockwave, assassinated a room full of senators, beginning in earnest Megatron's rise to power on Cybertron (Megatron Origin). However, it wasn't long before he began to conspire against his leader and aided Scorponok in overthrowing him. Once again, this was a temporary state of affairs and Megatron would resume his position. Starscream would grow disillusioned with the Decepticons, tiring of the state of endless warfare. It was revealed that Megatron chose to keep him around as reminder to always watch his own back, as treachery was part of the Decepticon way.

There's plenty more and not just in the versions of Transformers I've mentioned but that's the stuff I know best and we can't be here all day, can we? Starscream will always be one of the most memorable and prominent characters in Transformers and he'll always be my favourite. He's been a scientist (that's his backstory in the Generation One show, where he was friends with fellow scientist Jetfire/Skyfire), air commander, Decepticon recruiter, Decepticon leader and even a freaking ghost. As previously noted, his scheming, treacherous ways are the stuff of legend even outside of Transformers and his deeds as a warrior shouldn't be overlooked.

Personal Crowning Moment of Awesome: There are many but how about personally shooting down Air Force One in the IDW comic All Hail Megatron #3?

MINI-LIST: The Best Adaptations of "A Christmas Carol"

The holidays are all up in your grill and so it's time to whip out another Christmas themed list. This year let's talk about A Christmas Carol: Charles Dickens' story of redemption and enlightening holiday ghosts. It's a story you know like the back of your hand, it's been adapted hundreds of times, and it just wouldn't feel like a proper Christmas without enjoying this classic. So here are the most entertaining ones you should see.

5) A Christmas Carol (2009)

Who's the Scrooge this time? It's ol' rubberface himself, Jim Carrey. He even provides the performances for the three spirits who visit Ebenezer in the night. Talk about saving time on casting roles.
Doesn't this seem a lot like The Polar Express? Yes, it's another 3D motion capture Christmas themed movie directed by Robert Zemeckis where the main actor plays multiple roles.
And you enjoyed that? Yes, actually. Despite the generally unappealing 3D and CG motion capture filmmaking choices, this movie turned out to be quite good and was an entertaining theatre experience. It actually managed to feel new.
What's so special about this adaptation? It's one of the most thorough adaptations of the novel I can think of, and it didn't shy away from dark and grotesque elements in the story. It has scenes that would terrify young children. Corpses, creepy spirits, haunting visions of death and decay. Actually in 3D, it kind of freaked me out.
So does this mean you want Zemeckis to make more movies like this? Oh God, no. I really hope his mo-cap days are behind him because animation really needs to be left to the animators.

4) Scrooge (1951)

Who's the Scrooge this time? It's Alastair Sim, who I imagine didn't need a lot of work to look the part for this movie.
Who? Even though he was in dozens of films, you're not likely to know him from anything besides this movie. It was his biggest lead role, which he even revisited in 1971 to provide the voice of Ebenezer in an animated version.
What's so special about this adaptation? Being one of the earliest and best of the film adaptations, this version has been around long enough that everyone knows it. It's one of the versions that always seems to be on TV this time of year (In fact, as I write this on Christmas Eve, it has appeared on television twice already). It's a straightforward telling of the tale with no gimmicks, great performances all around, and continues to stand the test of time.
What if I can't handle watching movies in black and white? First of all, grow up. Second, there's a colourized version that looks pretty good.
Do you have a favourite scene? Yep, it's when Scrooge wakes on Christmas morning filled with the spirit of love and generosity, accosts his housekeeper on the stairs, all the while giggling and barely able to contain his excitement. Nothing spikes the adrenaline like a visit from the dead, and Alastair truly plays the part like a raving lunatic of joy. Then when he shows up at his nephew's home asking for forgiveness, you can't help but smile to see him welcomed with open arms and begin dancing with them.

3) Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)

Who's the Scrooge this time? You're not going to believe it, but they used Scrooge to play Scrooge. I'm sure it was a tough decision with all the characters in the Disney pantheon to choose from, but after countless meetings and arguments they went with the most daring choice.
Wait ... wasn't the character "Scrooge McDuck" created for this adaptation? No, he was actually created way back in the 1940's for a comic book. So, like some snake devouring it's own tail, you have a fictional character being used to depict the fictional character that they were inspired by and named after. That would be like doing an animated version of Bram Stoker's Dracula for television and then using Count Chocula to be Dracula. It's fucking weird when you think about it.
What's so special about this adaptation? Well, it packs the entire story into a mere 26 minutes of animated excellence.
Only 26 minutes?! I know it felt longer as a kid, but that's the illusion of commercials for you. And yet it tells the story completely, with every important scene and character. Not a wasted frame.
Any favourite ghost? It's gotta be Goofy as Jacob Marley. I'm pretty sure Dickens intended for the tortured spirit that first confronts Ebenezer Scrooge to perform a little slapstick.

2) Scrooged (1988)

Who's the Scrooge this time? The always delightful Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a selfish asshole and TV executive who hates Christmas, and everything else. Guess what happens.
Wait, so there's no Ebenezer? Nope. But Frank's journey is essentially the same and happens parallel to a classic production of A Christmas Carol that Frank's station is airing live on Christmas Eve.
What's so special about this adaptation? This is easily the most fantastic modern take on the Dickens' story. Taking place in 80's New York, all the components of the original are there but as wildly different forms. Instead of Bob Cratchit, you have Bobcat Goldthwait with a shotgun. Instead of the apparition of Jacob Marley, you have a rotting corpse hanging Frank out a skyscraper window. Instead of a grim reaper, you have a cloaked monster with a television for a face.
Which ghost was your favourite? Definitely the ghost of Christmas Present played by Carol Kane. She is such a cheery, abusive psycho. First thing she does upon meeting Frank is hover across the room and kick him in the nuts. He threatens to rip her goddamn wings off. And the scene where she uppercuts him in the face with a toaster? Priceless.
So does Frank learn the error of his ways, and welcome the generous spirit of Christmas into his heart? Of course! While always an entertaining journey along the way, the real magic of A Christmas Carol is watching Ebenezer being reborn as a new man on Christmas morning. I'm particularly fond of the ending for Scrooged because watching Bill Murray burst out of an elevator screaming, taking the live Christmas Carol performance hostage, and ranting wildly into the camera until he's in tears, is just great. I love how it feels like the ending was improvised, so it's like the actual movie you're watching is breaking down just as the show within the show is being derailed. If you haven't seen this movie, definitely check it out.

1) The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Disney again? That's right, Disney again. Talk about a company that has an obsession with old men in nightgowns. I'm pretty sure they will release some version of A Christmas Carol once a decade until the sun explodes.

Who's the Scrooge this time? Our personal lord and saviour, Michael Caine. If you don't enjoy him in this role, then there is something wrong with you. You will believe in his performance as the cold-hearted Scrooge, fear for him in his darkest moments, and share in his joy at the dawn of a new day. And when he weeps at love lost, you will cry along with him. It's like gravity; you don't have a choice, so don't fight it.
What's so special about this adaptation? Besides the obvious addition of Muppets, this Christmas Carol is a musical. A damn good one, too. The songs are memorable and serve the story well. This should come as no surprise since they were written by Paul Williams, who wrote songs like "Rainbow Connection"? Plus, having Gonzo and Rizzo narrating the story and getting caught up in the adventure is entertaining stuff.
Sounds good, but what about Tiny Tim? How tiny is he in this version?  The tiniest you're likely to ever see. By using Robin the Frog, the audience will feel extra sympathy because he's tiny, sick, poor, AND a frog. Talk about having the deck stacked against you. What's next? Having Tiny Tim fall into a fire when his crutch breaks, just as he's announcing he donated his last good sock to a crippled mouse?
It all sounds interesting, but why is this the best? It takes a lot of talent and creativity to use puppets alongside real actors and make the audience care about them, especially when you're building upon source material so famous. This movie blends music, humour, beautifully designed sets and sequences, charming characters, and never loses sight of the important messages in Dickens' wonderful story. All the highs and lows are there, and the muppets fit in perfectly along the way. If you can only choose one adaptation to watch this Christmas, you really can't go wrong with this one.

Awesome Fictional Brands

5) Blammo
As seen on the incomparable Ren and Stimpy Show, Blammo was the brand behind the greatest children's toy of all time ... LOG! An obvious parody of one-note toys like a Slinky, Blammo's toy also requires ample imagination to enjoy, and the catchy jingle was quick to inform us of all the ways it could be fun. You can remember every word of that song and you know it. Don't lie to me, goddammit.

Later episodes had commercials for slight variations of Log, like dress up versions similar to a Mr. Potato Head. But the original unadorned Log remains a classic fake commercial for a fake product from a fake brand, and a tribute to the simple toys of days gone by.

4) Spishak
Following the lead of Saturday Night Live, the variety comedy show Mad TV would often include fake commercials between skits. Unlike SNL, however, the products in these commercials were often from the same preposterous company.

The ads usually followed one of two patterns: A) a compilation of product demonstrations that got progressively more ridiculous, or B) a Spishak spokesman suddenly appearing in someone's home to advertise the product in a mini-infomercial. What sort of products? Well, anything from a combination knife-spoon-fork, to a toy oven for kids that requires the child to disconnect the gas line from their real oven to use. Each item was a hazardous, nonsensical, defective mess.

3) Red Apple Cigarettes
Occasionally a director will tie together their body of work with reccurring characters, locations, or brands even when the plots and styles of their movies are vastly different (eg. Kevin Smith). Red Apple Cigarettes represent a key connective tissue for the filmography of Quentin Tarantino as they appear in nearly every movie he's directed or co-written.

Sometimes the cigarettes will be smoked by a character, or other times appear as an ad in passing. Most recently in Django Unchained it can be spotted as a pouch of Red Apple Tobacco. These fake cigarettes are great because they are one of the many ways that Tarantino has pulled his movies together into the same crazy universe, and at this point finding the Red Apple has become a hidden gem for movie fans to discover.


2) Krusty Brand
While the Simpsons' universe has many memorable brands like Duff Beer, the greatest line-up of products come from the world's biggest shill: Krusty the Clown. He is the iconic face of a gigantic empire of TV shows, fast food restaurants, amusement parks, and an endless array of shoddy household products.

Every bit of merchandise stamped with the "Krusty Seal of Approval" is poorly thought out, cheaply made, and often dangerous. Krusty Brand is wonderful satirical take on the corporate greed we see all the time when celebrities slap their name or likeness on all manner of pointless shit. So when a cross between Bozo the Clown and Ronald McDonald is selling home pregnancy kits, frosted cereals, personal swabs, imitation gruel, handguns, cough syrup, cigars, and facial hair trimmers it's equal parts familiar and hilarious.

1) Acme
The Acme Corporation is a huge supplier of crazy bullshit in the Looney Tunes universe, and while the word "acme" comes from the Greek word for "zenith" or "prime", the products bearing that name are often lacking quality. What do they sell? A better question is what the hell don't they sell? Explosives, anvils, rockets, giant slingshots, giant magnets, escape kits, earthquake pills, the list goes on forever. The majority of their profit comes from Wile E. Coyote no matter how often their products fail miserably. You have to assume the prices must be amazing since he keeps placing orders for anti-gravity boots and fake tunnel paint instead of buying ... you know... food.

In fact Acme as a generic brand has been appearing in all manner of television shows, comics, movies, and cartoons for more than 90 years. You can find the familiar name in silent films of the 20's, episodes of I Love Lucy, and - my personal favorite - the film Who Framed Roger Rabbit with the epic showdown at the Acme Warehouse. As a child that warehouse overwhelmed my imagination with possibilities, and to this day I still want to see more of the gadgets and weapons scattered around the place.

The name Acme represents more than just an insatiable desire for Roadrunner meat, it represents generations of wild ideas and preposterous products. Whenever you needed a ridiculous prop, weapon, or device for your character to get their hands on, it was easily explained away by the good ol' Acme Corp. Who on earth would produce a jet-powered pogo stick and over-night ship it to the middle of the desert?

Acme, of course.

Shane's 50th List Spectacular: The Best of the Best Sitcom Character Tropes

Sometimes I think Five-O-Rama is a lot like school: because you're bound to learn something, and we usually take the entire summer off (ba-dum ching!). But now it's time to get back to business. Today I celebrate delivering my 50th "lesson" much like Cole did, with a giant-ass list. Though, instead of doing fifty things, I've picked five awesome sitcom character archetypes, and then selected the five best examples of each.

5) The Lame Square

Sure it would be nice if everyone on TV were beautiful, clever, and cool, but where's the fun in that? You need to have some characters that are painfully boring and unpopular. It gives something for the other characters to roll their eyes and shake their heads at. You can easily identify these losers by their lame hobbies and interests, being hopelessly out of touch, always being the butt of the other characters' jokes, and the way no one laughs at their humour but themselves (laugh track excluded). It's also a character type dominated by men.

Carlton Banks - Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
I don't think I need to say much beyond "The Carlton Dance", but Carlton is the preppy, intelligent, self-centred son of the Banks family. All of his interests are dated and he is constantly being smacked in the back of the head or mocked for his idiotic remarks, his love of Tom Jones, or just for being short. Even though the house was filled with rich, spoiled characters, Carlton remained the antithesis of his hip cousin, Will.

Hank Hill - King of the Hill
In some ways the entire cast of King of the Hill qualifies for this category, but Hank Hill stands out like a shining beacon of lame. Nearly every character on this show upsets me, but I still appreciate the clever writing. Hank is awkward beyond reason and has a never ending passion for propane and propane accessories. Nearly everything he says makes me gringe, which is a combination of groan and cringe.

Al Borlen - Home Improvement
Al loves to wear flannel, he builds board games in his spare time, and he has an unhealthy obsession with his mother. He is the sidekick to Tim Taylor on the show within a show, Tool Time. If Tim is the manly rock of the show, then Al is the sensitive pudding. He is constantly ridiculed and mocked by Tim and he is also always showing that he is more capable than Tim, and that makes him smarter, and by default, lame.

Alan Harper- Two and a Half Men
Every confident sitcom character needs their lame counterpart: Will had Carlton, Tim had Al, and of course Charlie had his brother Alan. While Charlie Harper is rich, successful, bold, and is never without a beautiful woman, Alan is a constant embarrassment to his family. He's a broke, bumbling failure with unbelievably bad luck.  He is also cheap, obsessive compulsive, and has practically no social life, resorting to hobbies like ventriloquism or building model cars. He's an awkward, gullible, mooch who never earns any respect and ... well, I think you get the point.

Ross Geller - Friends
Here's a fun game, when you imagine Ross from Friends, what is the first word that comes to mind to describe him? Roughly 95% of you will think of the word "dork", while the other 5% will have thought of the word "dorkily". Unfortunately "dorkily" is an adverb, and while it's a good way to describe how Ross behaves in every scene, you're disqualified. Sorry. Anyway, Ross is awkward, nerdy, and once tried to learn the bagpipes. His only friends are a moronic pretty-boy, an attention craving smart-ass, a bossy loudmouth, an eccentric weirdo, and a spoiled bitch ... and still Ross is the least cool member of the group. He achieves astounding levels of lame.

4) The Wacky Alien

Considering that most sitcoms are based around various family units, you wouldn't think that aliens would appear as often as they do. However, comedy is often derived from a character being placed in an unfamiliar environment and then acting stupid or silly (eg. Balki from Perfect Strangers), so an alien living with humans is an ideal exaggeration of that idea.

Roger Smith - American Dad
Roger looks kind of like a cross between a lightbulb and a grey sock. He's got a bulbous head and stubby E.T. legs, and (like all Seth MacFarlane characters) a vast knowledge of popular culture.  Since he's an alien fugitive from Area 51 living with a human family, you'd think he'd be the weirdest member, but no ... there's also a talking fish implanted with the brain of an East German ski jumper.

Mork - Mork and Mindy
Okay, I'm going to admit it. I've never actually seen an episode of Mork and Mindy. But it's a sitcom about an alien named Mork from a planet called Ork (great writing) and he's played by Robin effin' Williams. I'd be a fool not to include this. The rainbow suspenders may be weird, the egg spaceship might be weirder, but the fact that this is a spin off from Happy Days is weirdest of all.

Dr. Zoidberg - Futurama
Definitely one of the funniest characters in Futurama, the good doctor for Planet Express is a Jewish lobster in a lab coat. Like any good sitcom alien he is usually confused by human customs and desperate for attention. Even though he's a terrible doctor, and an emotional loner, you can't help but love this guy.

The Solomons - 3rd Rock From the Sun
What's better than an alien living on Earth to observe human life? How about FOUR aliens living on Earth. Yep, the Solomons aren't just your average Tom, Dick, and Harry...  and Sally, they are actually an extraterrestrial research expedition disguised as an American family. 3rd Rock is definitely one of my favourite sitcoms ever. The dynamic between the characters is hilarious as they experience everything for the first time, from sneezing to sex. It's worth watching for John Lithgow, the High Commander and now physics professor, doing what he does best ... yelling and being dramatic.

ALF - ALF
One day a spaceship crashed into the garage of The Tanners and immediately a family was burdened with keeping an alien named Gordon Shumway a secret in their home. Gordon, nicknamed ALF (which stands for Extra-Terrestrial, I believe), is an obnoxious, sarcastic, gluttonous troublemaker who is constantly putting the Tanners at risk of being invaded by the US military. And you know what? He doesn't give a shit. Not one single shit. He just wants to laugh, belch, and eat a box of kittens in front of your kids.

3) The Wisecracking Butler or Maid

The sarcastic servant character is a classic in movie and television history. From The Jetsons to Arthur, there's just nothing better than a butler or maid who mouths off when you'd expect them to be silent and obedient. That's essentially why it works so well in comedy. Take an expectation and flip it upside-down. Here are some great examples of the servant class being lippy with their employers.

Berta - Two and a Half Men
While many sarcastic maids and butlers might make a sly remark under their breath, Berta has no restraint. She will make shockingly rude and insulting comments right to your face and then threaten to pummel you. As a housekeeper, she kind of sucks. She'll show up late, get high on the job, or you may find her passed out on the sofa with a hangover. But she'll never get fired because she's an intimidating bully. It's the perfect system.

Niles - The Nanny
This guy always cracked me up. Niles is a sarcastic, manipulative, but loyal butler for the Sheffield household. Being the eyes and ears on the home, Niles is constantly gathering information he can use to help Fran, or torment the "villain" of the show, C.C.. The best part of any episode was when Niles faced off with C.C. as they tore each other new ones. Goddamn, they hated each other ... or did they?




Florence Johnston - The Jeffersons 
An important element of this character trope is sass, and Florence had sass. Much like Berta, Florence will speak her mind openly even though she's doing a half-assed job as a maid. She has no trouble talking back to her boss, and since that's what we all dream of in life, she naturally became a fan favourite of the show.

Tony Micelli - Who's the Boss? 
Wait a minute, let me get this straight. Angela is a career woman who hired Tony to be her live-in housekeeper? A dude is a maid for a woman? What kind of bizarro world shit is this? This is what millions of viewers screamed at their televisions back in primitive 1984. Everybody desperately wanted to know who the boss was and why. Anyway, Tony was always cracking wise at home. I suspect it was mostly nervous tension over being sexually attracted to his boss/roommate.

Geoffrey - Fresh Prince of Belair
When I think of butlers making sly remarks, I think Geoffrey. He would always carry himself with an air of dignity as he went about his duties, but no one was safe from his scathing wit. He had one-liners for any and every situation. If you were overweight, spoiled, or stupid Geoffrey could put you in your place, and sarcasm is always more potent when delivered with an English accent.

2) The Weird Neighbour

What sitcom would be complete without a neighbour popping in unannounced time and time again? Sometimes they are there to be a comedic annoyance, other times just to be strange. These characters often have a signature catchphrase or entrance.

Ned Flanders - The Simpsons
Ned is actually a great combination of "The Weird Neighbour" and "The Lame Square", but I figured he'd be better suited to this section because he's so iconic as the annoying neighbour to the Simpsons. He's highly religious and moral, a devoted husband and father, and excessively good-natured and kind. In a strange way, it makes more sense to see Homer as "The Weird Neighbour" to Ned. In any other sitcom Ned would be the straight-laced guy being driven crazy by his scheming idiot friend next door. Instead, Ned is loathed by Homer for being so different. Since Ned is one of the only "normal" guys in a town overflowing with odd characters, he's in the minority and branded as "weird".

Wilson - Home Improvement
Wilson is a strange neighbour for several reasons: he has roughly a hundred thousand hobbies and only participates in each one once, he has nearly unlimited knowledge of obscure history and cultures, and he may or may not have a face. Many sitcoms fall into predictable patterns.  Every episode of Full House will have "the serious discussion moment" and every episode of Home Improvement will have Tim heading out into the backyard and getting advice from Wilson through a fence. It's comforting to know that no matter how difficult family life can get, you can always count on some sage advice from an old guy doing ancient Aztec bean dances in his backyard, who will relate the dance to how you need to stop being so fucking selfish around your wife.

Rose - Two and a Half Men
What? Another character from Two and a Half Men? That show isn't even that good. I agree, it's crass and stupid, but it is also a treasure trove of stereotypical sitcom character types. I swear everyone on the show fits into a mould you've seen a million times before. Besides the ones I've already mentioned it has "The Bitchy Ex", "The Stress-inducing Mother", and "The Brainless Hungry Teenager" who used to be the "Adorable Smart Aleck Child".

Rose made the list because she's deranged. After a one night stand with Charlie she became obsessed with him and stalked him constantly. She is always lurking around his home, sneaking in, and trying to implant herself within the family. There is a love/hate relationship between Rose and Charlie, though mostly Charlie's love seems to be the result of her manipulation. Sometimes she reveals herself as being highly intelligent and caring. Other times she's a dangerous weirdo who may steal from, or cause physical harm to those around her. Ultimately she's a complete psycho, since it's essentially understood that Rose killed Charlie by shoving him in front of a train.

Steve Urkel - Family Matters
Ah, the Urk Man. There's no possible way to make a list like this and not mention his name. He's got several catchphrases, his own dance, and he's a constant annoyance to the Winslows. It seems to be Steve's personal mission to give Carl Winslow a mental breakdown. Not only has he caused severe damage to Carl's home and peace of mind with his endless buffoonery, Steve is also obsessed with Carl's daughter, Laura. But Carl doesn't need this shit, not after Nakatomi Plaza.

In later seasons Family Matters turned into Urkel's Screwy Invention Hour, with more and more ludicrous stories with Steve inventing personality altering machines, robots, time machines, and all sorts of crazy shit. In the end he was better suited as just the annoying nerdy kid you couldn't keep out of your home.

Cosmo Kramer - Seinfeld
Look no further, this is the quintessential weird neighbour. Kramer has the whole package. Strange, goofy appearance? Check. Constantly barging in uninvited? Check. Always involved in one stupid scheme after another? Check. Clumsy? Annoying? Tactless? Check, check, and check. Kramer is known for his trademark entrances and hair that looks like he jammed his tongue in an outlet. His three "friends" are all selfish social rejects in their own right, but still Cosmo takes the cake. If you ever needed someone to eat your food and borrow your stuff without asking, or say the worst thing at the worst moment, or give you awful advice, just check across the hall.

1) The Fat / Ignorant Husband and The Wife with an Annoying Voice

To cap off this mega-list, I present to you one of the most common sitcom character combos: a bloated dolt of a husband and a screechy wife. It's been around since the beginning of television with shows like The Honeymooners and I Love Lucy, and it's continued ever since. Yes, the public can't get enough of spouses bombarding each other with stupidity and high pitched nagging.

Al and Peggy Bundy - Married... with Children
The Bundy's are a classic dysfunctional sitcom family. Al is a dopey slob of a husband who loves to laze about on the couch with his hand tucked in this pants, and Peggy is a whiny nag of a wife who just wants to buy shit and insult her husband. Everything about the show is exaggerated and cartoonish, from Al's behaviour to Peggy's hair. If you don't remember the show well, say the word "duh" in a drawn out dim-witted voice and you'll have captured the essence of Al Bundy. Then listen to Leela from any episode of Futurama, and now you know the voice for Peggy.

Peter and Lois Griffin - Family Guy
This show owes a lot to the other entries in the list, since it's essentially an extreme exaggeration of, and tribute to, famous sitcom characters that have come before. Peter is an obese moron devoid of common sense. His wife, Lois, is a nagging wife, but she has every right to be since her husband is an obnoxious ass. The show has compared her voice to Fran Drescher and I'd say that's pretty accurate.

So the family is made up of a fat, stupid husband married to a beautiful wife with an unfortunate voice. They have three kids and a dog. The oldest child is a son, the second is an unpopular daughter, and finally an intelligent baby. Now that I think about it, that type of family sounds familiar. I can't think of where I've seen something like it before, but I'm sure it will come to me...

Dan and Roseanne Conner - Roseanne
Whenever I think of the stereotypical American family, I think of the Connors. An obese working-class family with lots of kids, living from paycheque to paycheque. Roseanne was the bossy nasal voice of the family, with her big-boned schlub of a husband, Dan, at her side.

What made the show successful was that it was relatable and it didn't shy away from difficult subjects. In fact, the show's final episode is one of the darkest finales I've ever seen. Unlike the Bundy's and others like them, the Conners felt like a real family struggling with real problems. Dan and Roseanne may have been flawed characters -  overweight, annoying, and foolish at times - but they were grounded in a reality the viewer could appreciate.

Homer and Marge Simpson - The Simpsons
I don't really know what I can say about characters this famous and so ingrained in our culture, that you don't already have burned into your brains. The Simpsons have been on the air since the late 80's for crying out loud and they still make new episodes. But in case you've been on Mars for the last 23 years, in a cave, with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears, I'll explain.

Homer is the buffoonish and gluttonous father. He's lazy, careless, and dumb. Marge is the nagging, overly concerned mother. Her voice sounds like Kathleen Turner after gargling hot coals. Together they make the perfect couple. Homer does something stupid, and Marge growls at him in a displeased manner. If you're still confused, just imagine a slightly toned down version of Family Guy with less cutaways.

Archie and Edith Bunker - All in the Family
These two are iconic sitcom figures. Hell, even their chairs are recognizable. Archie is the loud stubborn head of the household with strong opinions about everything. He's a bigot, a racist, and basically prejudiced against anything outside himself, and all these things are fuelled by ignorance. By contrast, Edith is kind and open-minded, and a very obedient, hardworking wife and mother. Her voice ... how can I put this? ... is earsplitting. She makes Monty Python's female characters sound like Norah Jones.

What makes the characters special is that they are still likeable even with the unfounded hate and high pitched tones that put dogs into comas. The best moments are when Archie and Edith have revelations. Many times in the heat of a rant, Archie would suddenly realize the hypocrisy of the point he was making and be at a loss for words. In other moments when Edith takes a stand on a issue she'll speak in a more controlled, serious tone and has some of the wisest things to say. In these moments we feel there is hope for the characters, as we see them become stronger and smarter.

Archie and Edith may be familiar archetypes we've seen on televisions for decades, but they stand out for having more substance to their personalities. The immediate impression is that he's an ignorant and hateful husband, and she's a shrill and naive wife. However, the more you watch, the more you see their true personalities shine through, and that makes for a compelling and entertaining show.

Evil Santas

December is upon us, and it just wouldn't feel like the holidays without writing a Christmas list. This year I'm focusing on the bearded obese man that so many of us worshiped growing up in the hopes of acquiring merchandise. While most Santas that we see at the mall or in Coca-Cola commercials are joyous and giving, this list will be about some malevolent incarnations of Kris Kringle.

It seems weird to take an iconic figure of peace and goodwill and turn him into a deadly villain, but it's happened more times than you'd think. I guess there's just something naturally entertaining about turning a character into the polar (*snicker*) opposite of what you'd expect.  If you're wondering why Jack Skellington's turn as Sandy Claws from Nightmare Before Christmas didn't make the list, it's because even though he was a terrible Santa Claus and nearly ruined Christmas entirely, he had good intentions from the beginning and wasn't out to hurt anybody. Without further ado, here are five depictions of Santa Claus as a totally evil bastard.

5. Bad Santa (2003)
To kick off the list we have Billy Bob Thornton playing a con man who works at different malls as their Santa Claus to eventually rob them. It took me awhile to get around to watching this movie despite the almost cult following it has as being one of the funniest holiday movies. I enjoyed it and had some good laughs, but mostly I found Billy Bob's character frustratingly terrible. Maybe that's the point, but let's get to what matters here:

HOW EVIL IS HE? Well, he's more of an asshole than evil, but I feel he has so many despicable qualities that they result in a truly horrible Santa Claus. Let's see ... he's an alcoholic, he's a criminal, he's profane, he's sleazy, he's disgusting, he hurts people, takes advantage of people, and does all of these things in front of children. He even beats up some kids at one point.

Plus, just appearance wise, how shitty is he as Santa? With his baggy, stained Santa suit hanging off his sickly frame, disheveled fake beard over his scraggly real beard, and piss-soaked pants. How he ever pulled off any crime with this ruse is beyond me. He is the definition of failure and just an awful human being.

4. Futurama's Robot Santa
Originally I wanted this list to only cover evil Santas from movies, but this recurring character from "Futurama" was deserving enough to make the cut. Robot Santa was built by The Friendly Robot Company to evaluate how nice or naughty people were to sort presents accordingly. Sadly, a programming error resulted in his standards being set too high, and now everyone is deemed naughty in his eyes. So on Christmas Eve, Robot Santa flies to earth and punishes the naughty with Christmas-themed murder.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Pretty damn evil. Robot Santa lives at the North Pole on Neptune in his Death Fortress. He's known for chopping off people's heads and stuffing their neck holes with toys. Don't know about you, but that sounds messed up to me.

3. Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)
For the price of one movie you get two evil Santa's. The film starts with a young boy, Billy, witnessing his parents being murdered by a crazed criminal in a Santa suit. Billy then grows up in an orphanage under the strict watch of nuns. Then as a teenager he gets a job as a stock boy in a toy shop, is forced to play the part of Santa for the Christmas season and ... well ... snaps.

HOW EVIL IS HE? As evil as an axe murderer who goes on a killing spree on Christmas Eve. Well, he also kills people with bow and arrows, x-mas lights, antlers, and other stuff, but mostly he wanders around with an axe. Billy is a psychologically scarred individual who has a mental breakdown over his traumatic memories of Santa Claus and ends up taking on the role of a vengeful Santa out to punish those who are "naughty".

Something I find interesting about Silent Night is how upset it made people: TV ads for the movie were pulled off the air for the depiction of Santa as a killer, Siskel and Ebert had a particular hatred for the film, and angry parents picketed outside theatres until it was pulled after only two weeks. The film remained stored away for another year before it got released on video. It could have been a bigger success since it opened the same week as Nightmare on Elm Street and was out-grossing Freddy until protests ruined all the fun. This film was a pioneer of the Evil Santa genre, and I suppose the concept of a killer St. Nick was just too evil for the public to handle at the time.

2. Santa's Slay (2005)
This movie tells the tale of the devil's son who lost a bet to an angel and was forced to become Santa Claus for 1000 years. And now, having fulfilled his commitment to the wager, Santa goes back to his evil ways and goes on a killing rampage through a small town.

When I first approached this movie, I was bracing myself for a very painful viewing experience. I mean, we're talking about Goldberg, the wrestler, playing Santa Claus in a horror film. But I'll be damned if I wasn't completely entertained. Yes, the acting is bad. Yes, the sets and props are visibly cheap. Yes, the premise is stupid as hell. However, you show me Santa Claus kicking a dog into a ceiling fan or running an old woman off the road with his bison-pulled sleigh, and I'll show you a guy who's having some holiday fun.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Well, besides doing the stuff I just mentioned, Santa racks up a considerable body count with some creative kills while spouting corny one-liners. He obliterates a family of six in about two minutes and later wreaks havoc at a strip bar.

As ridiculous as it is, I can't recommend this movie enough. It embraces the stupidity of it all, and manages to be funny and entertaining. With a running time of about an hour and fifteen minutes, you can't afford NOT to watch this with friends and laugh your balls off.

1. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
Okay, so we've seen Santa so far as an alcoholic douchebag, a deadly robot from space, a schizophrenic serial killer, and the son of the devil. Where do we go from here?

Finland.

Deep under the mountain of Korvatunturi an archaeological dig unearths the hidden tomb of Santa Claus - a supernatural being that would kidnap and punish bad children. The movie, set in a remote community near the mountain, follows the story of one family and their neighbours as they discover the truth behind the myth of Santa Claus.

HOW EVIL IS HE?  Like many of the other entries in the list, Santa's goal is punishing the naughty instead of rewarding good children. We don't really know how he's "punishing" children, and we don't really understand what he is, but that just adds to the unsettling quality of a silent, frail old man with an ominous look about him. Something between a mythological creature and demon, this Santa is easily the most sinister and frightening I've come across.

The film itself is a mix of comedy, horror, and fantasy, but it captures some moments of intense suspense and dread. Sometimes it's laughably ridiculous, sometimes it's deadly serious, and I really enjoyed the careful film-making employed to balance the two extremes. I can't go into much detail here without spoiling some of the surprises the film has to offer, but I'll say that it creates an exceptional evil Santa using a "less is more" approach and it's worth your time to check out.

Merry Christmas! I hope you've been good this year. Or else!