MINI-LIST: The Best Adaptations of "A Christmas Carol"

The holidays are all up in your grill and so it's time to whip out another Christmas themed list. This year let's talk about A Christmas Carol: Charles Dickens' story of redemption and enlightening holiday ghosts. It's a story you know like the back of your hand, it's been adapted hundreds of times, and it just wouldn't feel like a proper Christmas without enjoying this classic. So here are the most entertaining ones you should see.

5) A Christmas Carol (2009)

Who's the Scrooge this time? It's ol' rubberface himself, Jim Carrey. He even provides the performances for the three spirits who visit Ebenezer in the night. Talk about saving time on casting roles.
Doesn't this seem a lot like The Polar Express? Yes, it's another 3D motion capture Christmas themed movie directed by Robert Zemeckis where the main actor plays multiple roles.
And you enjoyed that? Yes, actually. Despite the generally unappealing 3D and CG motion capture filmmaking choices, this movie turned out to be quite good and was an entertaining theatre experience. It actually managed to feel new.
What's so special about this adaptation? It's one of the most thorough adaptations of the novel I can think of, and it didn't shy away from dark and grotesque elements in the story. It has scenes that would terrify young children. Corpses, creepy spirits, haunting visions of death and decay. Actually in 3D, it kind of freaked me out.
So does this mean you want Zemeckis to make more movies like this? Oh God, no. I really hope his mo-cap days are behind him because animation really needs to be left to the animators.

4) Scrooge (1951)

Who's the Scrooge this time? It's Alastair Sim, who I imagine didn't need a lot of work to look the part for this movie.
Who? Even though he was in dozens of films, you're not likely to know him from anything besides this movie. It was his biggest lead role, which he even revisited in 1971 to provide the voice of Ebenezer in an animated version.
What's so special about this adaptation? Being one of the earliest and best of the film adaptations, this version has been around long enough that everyone knows it. It's one of the versions that always seems to be on TV this time of year (In fact, as I write this on Christmas Eve, it has appeared on television twice already). It's a straightforward telling of the tale with no gimmicks, great performances all around, and continues to stand the test of time.
What if I can't handle watching movies in black and white? First of all, grow up. Second, there's a colourized version that looks pretty good.
Do you have a favourite scene? Yep, it's when Scrooge wakes on Christmas morning filled with the spirit of love and generosity, accosts his housekeeper on the stairs, all the while giggling and barely able to contain his excitement. Nothing spikes the adrenaline like a visit from the dead, and Alastair truly plays the part like a raving lunatic of joy. Then when he shows up at his nephew's home asking for forgiveness, you can't help but smile to see him welcomed with open arms and begin dancing with them.

3) Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)

Who's the Scrooge this time? You're not going to believe it, but they used Scrooge to play Scrooge. I'm sure it was a tough decision with all the characters in the Disney pantheon to choose from, but after countless meetings and arguments they went with the most daring choice.
Wait ... wasn't the character "Scrooge McDuck" created for this adaptation? No, he was actually created way back in the 1940's for a comic book. So, like some snake devouring it's own tail, you have a fictional character being used to depict the fictional character that they were inspired by and named after. That would be like doing an animated version of Bram Stoker's Dracula for television and then using Count Chocula to be Dracula. It's fucking weird when you think about it.
What's so special about this adaptation? Well, it packs the entire story into a mere 26 minutes of animated excellence.
Only 26 minutes?! I know it felt longer as a kid, but that's the illusion of commercials for you. And yet it tells the story completely, with every important scene and character. Not a wasted frame.
Any favourite ghost? It's gotta be Goofy as Jacob Marley. I'm pretty sure Dickens intended for the tortured spirit that first confronts Ebenezer Scrooge to perform a little slapstick.

2) Scrooged (1988)

Who's the Scrooge this time? The always delightful Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a selfish asshole and TV executive who hates Christmas, and everything else. Guess what happens.
Wait, so there's no Ebenezer? Nope. But Frank's journey is essentially the same and happens parallel to a classic production of A Christmas Carol that Frank's station is airing live on Christmas Eve.
What's so special about this adaptation? This is easily the most fantastic modern take on the Dickens' story. Taking place in 80's New York, all the components of the original are there but as wildly different forms. Instead of Bob Cratchit, you have Bobcat Goldthwait with a shotgun. Instead of the apparition of Jacob Marley, you have a rotting corpse hanging Frank out a skyscraper window. Instead of a grim reaper, you have a cloaked monster with a television for a face.
Which ghost was your favourite? Definitely the ghost of Christmas Present played by Carol Kane. She is such a cheery, abusive psycho. First thing she does upon meeting Frank is hover across the room and kick him in the nuts. He threatens to rip her goddamn wings off. And the scene where she uppercuts him in the face with a toaster? Priceless.
So does Frank learn the error of his ways, and welcome the generous spirit of Christmas into his heart? Of course! While always an entertaining journey along the way, the real magic of A Christmas Carol is watching Ebenezer being reborn as a new man on Christmas morning. I'm particularly fond of the ending for Scrooged because watching Bill Murray burst out of an elevator screaming, taking the live Christmas Carol performance hostage, and ranting wildly into the camera until he's in tears, is just great. I love how it feels like the ending was improvised, so it's like the actual movie you're watching is breaking down just as the show within the show is being derailed. If you haven't seen this movie, definitely check it out.

1) The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Disney again? That's right, Disney again. Talk about a company that has an obsession with old men in nightgowns. I'm pretty sure they will release some version of A Christmas Carol once a decade until the sun explodes.

Who's the Scrooge this time? Our personal lord and saviour, Michael Caine. If you don't enjoy him in this role, then there is something wrong with you. You will believe in his performance as the cold-hearted Scrooge, fear for him in his darkest moments, and share in his joy at the dawn of a new day. And when he weeps at love lost, you will cry along with him. It's like gravity; you don't have a choice, so don't fight it.
What's so special about this adaptation? Besides the obvious addition of Muppets, this Christmas Carol is a musical. A damn good one, too. The songs are memorable and serve the story well. This should come as no surprise since they were written by Paul Williams, who wrote songs like "Rainbow Connection"? Plus, having Gonzo and Rizzo narrating the story and getting caught up in the adventure is entertaining stuff.
Sounds good, but what about Tiny Tim? How tiny is he in this version?  The tiniest you're likely to ever see. By using Robin the Frog, the audience will feel extra sympathy because he's tiny, sick, poor, AND a frog. Talk about having the deck stacked against you. What's next? Having Tiny Tim fall into a fire when his crutch breaks, just as he's announcing he donated his last good sock to a crippled mouse?
It all sounds interesting, but why is this the best? It takes a lot of talent and creativity to use puppets alongside real actors and make the audience care about them, especially when you're building upon source material so famous. This movie blends music, humour, beautifully designed sets and sequences, charming characters, and never loses sight of the important messages in Dickens' wonderful story. All the highs and lows are there, and the muppets fit in perfectly along the way. If you can only choose one adaptation to watch this Christmas, you really can't go wrong with this one.

MINI-LIST: Cole's Sappy Songs

OK, we all have songs that we're a little embarrassed to admit that we like. Many of them because they're overly sweet and sappy. Let's face it, in the world or popular music, love has always been and probably always will be the number one subject. There are thousands upon thousands, if not millions, of songs out there that are either about how great love is, how much it sucks or even some combination of the two.

So if we're talking "overly sappy" what exactly is the criteria? I'm not sure I can really explain it. But I will say I think there are plenty of songs out there about love that are very poetic and come across as not at all embarrassing. I'm talking about songs like Elton John's "Your Song" - obviously it's gushy in its way but I think most people would agree that it's also very tasteful and heartfelt. So songs that seem like that, to me at least, were not considered. I think.

But I do love every song on this list and probably dozens of others that could be accused of being sappy as well. I figure doing a list like this may be somewhat cathartic for me. And, if not, at least you get to laugh at me a little.

5. Eternal Flame - The Bangles
Haha! A chick sings this song - do you sing along to it? Yes, I always do. And how do you feel when you do that?  Kind of like a fairy princess. What's the sappiest line?  I'll go with: "Say my name, sun shines through the rain".  Remember when Courtney Galloway sang this at the talent show in Grade Seven? I do. But I'm wondering how the hell you know about it. Can you really hit the high note at the end? Of course I can. I'm Cole, damnit.





4. Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
So how would you describe this band's music? Dashboard Confessional 2.0 Dashboard Confessional is  also on this list, isn't it? Ummm....noooo. Sappiest line? Definitely "Cause I was born to tell you I love you". So does the video for this song on youtube have an endless amount of retarded comments left by lovesick teens? You know it!  Are you secretly a fourteen year old girl? Prove it, bitch.











3. Lost in Love - Air Supply
Air Supply?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? I wish I was, I really do. Those guys are the kings of sap! How did you narrow your choice down? True, it was tough. Besides "Lost in Love", there's "The One That You Love", "All Out of Love" and of course, "Making Love Out of Nothing at All". Sappiest line? Oh, man, probably all of them. But how about the fadeout which is: "Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love/  Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love/ Lost in love, lost in love, lost in love/ Lost in love, lost in love, lost in love" How do you not choke on all that syrup? By washing it down with a cold glass of tacks. You do realize that this one entry has destroyed all your credibility? My Internet credibility has been ruined? Whatever shall I do?

2. Konstantine - Something Corporate
Something Corporate? Are they really that sappy? Not usually, no. I didn't even want to include this one at first because I figured it was in the same class as romantic songs that aren't embarrassing. So what made you change your mind? I didn't, really. I'm not embarrassed to like this song. But it's over nine freaking minutes long! How can you defend that? Oh, it is? I hadn't noticed. So what's its sappiest line?  It's a tossup between: "It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it" and "You spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen". So I'm guessing this one has some deep personal meaning for you, huh? I'll never tell.

1. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
How old were you when this song was released? Somewhere around twenty. Liking it then might be forgiveable but you're a lot closer to thirty now - what's your excuse? Meh, I don't really have one, I guess. But Michael Stipe likes the song too so there. Can you pick a sappiest line? With great difficulty - nearly every line qualifies. But let's go with: "My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry - whichever you'd prefer". Another song reminding you of past love, huh? Yes, specifically the dates I went on with my first real girlfriend as a teen. Do you have any dignity remaining at this point? Possibly. I mean Ryan has even heard me passionately sing along to this one possibly more than once in my car. And we're still friends.

MINI-LIST: Greatest Sandworms of All Time

Throughout history storytellers have conjured monsters from their minds, and developed them into something great by using a tried and true method: take a small creature that exists in the real world and then increase its size until it becomes threatening and grotesque. Tolkien did it with spiders, Lovecraft did it with squids, and Frank Herbert did it with worms

Roughly 45 years ago the Sandworm emerged (from below, I imagine) and began showing up again and again in books, movies, games, and more. They've taken on many different forms, but one thing remains the same: they live and hunt underground and are great consuming beasts. How could you not love such a monster? Let's take a look, shall we?

5. Video Game Sandworms
Where can you find them? Well, in tons of games from the Legend of Zelda series to Shadow of the Colossus, and just about every Final Fantasy game from the last 25 years. If you're playing an RPG or entering a desert area, chances are you'll run into these bastards.
What do they look like? Depending on the game they can be anything from a puny annoyance to a train-sized nightmare. Features will vary but you can count on it having a mouth that wants to eat you.
What's your favourite sandworm encounter from a video game? It would probably have to be the boss fight from the desert temple in Link to the Past. Facing off against three fireball-spewing sandworms in a tiny room was (and still is) a blast.
How far does their influence reach? These worms stretch out across many genres of games and there are no signs of their appearances slowing. Fine with me. Nothing satisfies like slaying earthworms on steroids.

4. The Saturn Sandworm (Beetlejuice, 1988)
Where does it dwell? From all the times I've seen the movie I thought the sandworm just existed in some kind of unknown nether-world, but I've recently discovered that the limbo desert shown in the film is supposed to be on Saturn's moon Titan. It doesn't make much sense, but I shouldn't be looking to a movie like Beetlejuice for "sense".
What does it look like? This worm is easily identified by its Burton-esque black and white stripes, long fangs, and Xenomorph style "mouth inside another mouth".
Isn't this more like a sandsnake? Yeah, I can see the similarities, but it's still obviously a sandworm. Betelgeuse even calls them Sandworms, so don't argue.
How far does its influence reach? Besides being in the movie itself, the Saturn worm appeared often in the cartoon TV show based on the film, and merchandise of all sorts from t-shirts to toys.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? Eating Betelgeuse, of course. It didn't really kill him, since he was already dead, or undead, or whatever, but it definitely got him. It was suggested that these two characters had encountered before and that Betelgeuse was quite afraid of them. My theory is that Betelgeuse had killed a sandworm and made his striped suit from its skin and the other worms have been pissed at him ever since.

3. The Sarlacc Pit (Return of the Jedi, 1983)
Where does it dwell? The Great Pit of Carkoon on the desert planet Tatooine.
What does it look like? It's basically's a giant gaping toothy vagina of the desert. It later developed tentacles and a beak. Not due to evolution, but because of a director who couldn't leave well enough alone.
How can you call this a worm? There is debate over how to classify Sarlacci. They share features of arthropods, carnivorous plants, as well as worms. But I find it to be suitable for this list because a Sarlacc Pit, like all sandworms, is essentially just a fearful devouring maw of the desert.
What's the most terrifying thing about them? Probably their digestive system that results in its prey being slowly dissolved over thousands of years. Yeah, that's gotta suck.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? Eating the bounty hunter, Boba Fett. Yep, as much as Star Wars fans love Boba Fett, the truth is we never got to see him do too much in the movies before toppling headfirst into the Sarlacc Pit. Some fans will insist that Boba survived (because of the slow digestive process and because he supposedly kicks ass), but I say Boba Fett's inglorious death was just a foreshadowing of the horrendous things George Lucas would do to beloved characters in the prequel trilogy.

2. Graboids (Tremors, 1990)
Where does it dwell? Mostly around the small town of Perfection, Nevada.
What does it look like? Kind of like a big ol' slug with three snake-like tentacles in its mouth.
What's the best way to avoid being eaten by one? Graboids are fast, smart, and strong, but they can't travel above ground, so it's best to get as high as you can as fast as you can. An encounter with a Graboid quickly turns into a very stressful game of "The Ground is Lava" where you might be bitten in half at the waist. So haul ass to the nearest boulder or rooftop.
How far does its influence reach? Even though the Graboids saw many evolutionary mutations later on, the original movie did lead to two sequels, a prequel, and a TV series. Not bad.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? It's hard to say. Maybe it was pulling people and whole vehicles into the ground, spitting dynamite at Kevin Bacon, or trying its best to fly. In the end, Graboids are just entertaining as hell, and maybe my favourite sandworm of all.

1. Shai-Hulud "The Maker" (Dune, 1984)
Where does it dwell? The desert planet Arrakis.
What does it look like? Like the most massive fucking worm of the future you can imagine. 400 metres long with a mouth 80 metres wide and filled with crystalline teeth for days, this thing is like God's tapeworm.
So it's big? Big enough to swallow entire structures whole. Big enough to be worshiped for its magnificent size, power, and indefinite lifespan.
How far does its influence reach? Movies, TV series, books, computer games, you name it.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? Being the worm that started it all. As far as I can tell it was Frank Herbert's mind that gave sandworms to the world, and his vision is greater than anything that followed it. It doesn't need fancy things like tentacles, extra mouths, or eyes. It just needs to be huge beyond reason. All hail, the Grandfather of the Desert, Shai-Hulud, the "Worm who is God"!!

MINI LIST: Ryan’s Favourite Films of 2010

It’s 2011 and we’re one year away from John Cusack doing death-defying feats of amazement, like driving through massive earthquakes, or weaving in and out of volcanic eruptions in an airplane.

So, um, here are some of my favourite movies from 2010? Yeah.

5. Kick Ass


Oh great, here we go again with Kick Ass. What’s the big deal about this movie anyway? In short, Hit Girl. Honestly, there is a lot more going on in this movie than her, but she totally steals the show. I actually had a hard time placing this film in the number five slot over The Social Network, but in the end a little girl killing dozens of henchmen with blades and every variety of gun just beats a socially awkward super-rich geek every time. Wasn’t Nick Cage in this movie? You have some kind of Cage-fetish, don’t you? Why I see all of his movies, I can’t really tell you. He actually did a good enough job in this movie except I wasn’t sure what to think of the scene where he’s tied to the chair (no spoilers!). That was just so disturbing. Did you read the comics? They were so much better! No, I didn’t read the comics. About to blow all the comic fanboy minds here: not a fan of Romita Jr’s art. That and, well, I didn’t really know much about it until the movie buzz. Maybe someday…
Excited for the sequel? Hell yes. Best Kick Ass tagline? Sickening violence, just the way you like it!

4. Iron Man 2


That came out last year? Yeah, in May. Somehow it feels like it came out forever ago. You a big Iron Man fan? No, not really. Honestly, most of the Avenger crowd doesn’t tickle my fancy. The movies are great though, and Downey Jr. is a perfect Tony Stark. If you’re not a big fan, why’d you like this flick so much? It was fun, exciting and action-packed, I guess. Like I said, I’m not a huge Iron Man fan, so it was easy for me to like something like this. Plus it had Stark’s bitchin’ suit case armour! What’d you think of War Machine? Not that I thought that Terrence Howard was a good pick in the first film, but Don Cheadle? That’d be my biggest gripe about this flick – Jim Rhodes is supposed to be a big, jacked dude. The producers definitely dropped the ball on that one. Coolest part of the movie? Drunken armour wars.

3. The Expendables


Is this the true return to “old school” action? I suppose. I find, personally, that a lot of action films coming out lately have simplified their storylines to deliver “wham-bam-thankya-ma’am” action. This was definitely the best of the new crop, though. Stallone’s getting up there. Could he keep up with today's young guys? You’d best believe. He might not have that many more action films in him, but he was great in this. If he decides to quit acting in them he should definitely continue writing, directing and producing them for sure. Are there too many big “names” in this movie? In a way, yes. Not that there are too many actors trying to “steal the scene” or something, but some people were a bit under-used. I’d definitely like to see a sequel that focuses on a few more characters. I heard Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in it. Is that true? It is indeed the truth. Bruce, Arnold and Sly are all in a scene together! There isn’t much, though. It was still very cool. Too bad Arnold’s basically said he won’t be doing any more action films though, because I’d love to see him in a sequel. So, will there be an Expendables 2? I think Sly and his gang would be silly not to! And this time, convince Jean Claude to join in!

2. Tron: Legacy


How long has it been since Tron was first released? Just 28 years, is all. Do you think the time in between the films helped this one? It certainly didn’t hurt it. I mean if they’d made a Tron sequel before now, it might’ve been decent. I think today’s technology definitely helped with Legacy. So, how are those special effects? Top notch. They fall into the “blew me away” category. If I had to think of movies in the last few years that really sucked me into their world with the special effects the only two that come to mind are Avatar and Tron: Legacy. Did the 3D ruin it? Everything is in 3D these days! The 3D for Legacy was handled so well. I think that a lot of movies that come out have 3D tacked on as an afterthought. Tron: Legacy did this great thing where it was in 3D for specific scenes and 2D when that third dimension didn’t do anything for the film. Do you want to see more Tron? I would love more Tron. I truly hope they don’t wait another 28 years for a sequel!

1. Inception


Is this movie over-hyped? I don’t know. By now, probably. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie, though. It was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a decade. So, what’s it about? I wouldn’t want to give anything away, but the basic premise is about how people who have the technology to enter a person’s mind via their dreams. Why is it called Inception? The film follows a man named Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, who is basically a dream thief. He steals thoughts in what is called an extraction. The most impossible task to perform in someone’s mind, however, is not to steal a thought, but to implant an idea, otherwise known as inception. Is it all just a big CG gimmick? No, this movie has fantastic visuals and they play a major part of the story, but the story is where this movie truly shines. It’s very layered and warrants multiple watches. Leo DiCaprio is on quite the roll, huh? Yes he is, that is until he ruins Akira (sigh), although I think he’s next portraying J. Edgar Hoover and after that Dr. H.H. Holmes in The Devil in the White City, which I think is particularly interesting. You might have to look that last one up.

MINI-LIST: Cole's Favourite Movies of 2010

2010 wasn't exactly a banner year for movies for me so expect a list of a much cooler year coming soon. But I know certain parties are still curious about my picks so here they are.

I'm glad Shane decided to go with the MINI-LIST format for this one as I really don't have a lot to say (for once). I'm even going to rip off his questions for the most part. Let's do it.



5. The Expendables

How would you describe the movie in five words? Testosterone, testosterone, testosterone, guns, testosterone. Why did it make the list? Well, it does feature Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham and a host of other well known ass kickers of fine cinema. That alone is an achievement. What was your favourite thing about the movie? Dolph Lundgren!!! What didn't you like about it? No Jean-Claude. So sad. What surprised you most? For some reason, I didn't think Steve Austin would be playing a bad guy. But he does a fair job of it.











4. Kick-Ass

Why doesn't Roger Ebert like this movie? Apparently, because he finds it overly violent. Do you agree with him? Do I ever? (besides Dark City, I mean) So you don't agree with him here? Oh, I agree with him - it's overly violent. But I think that's a very good thing. What surprised you most? Just how good the soundtrack is - it blends wonderfully with the action. Does the movie cross a moral line by having a prepubescent girl running around killing people? I don't think so because she's killing bad people. People always freak out when minors are shown doing ANYTHING in movies. It's ridiculous. And besides, in the case of Hit Girl, it's rather...far fetched. So gimme a break. 








3. TRON: Legacy

Is it a worthy sequel to TRON? I would say absolutely. Sometimes having a gap of many years between sequels can really be advantageous. In this case, it really helps the story. Is this the best-looking movie you've seen in 2010? Without a doubt. What surprised you the most? The ending, I think. Not that there's a big twist or anything. Was that Cillian Murphy in the scene in the boardroom? Yeah. Maybe he was passing by the set and they asked him over. Is this a better film than its predecessor? No. They're actually quite difficult to compare, really. The concepts in TRON were foreign to about 95% of its audience when it was released. TRON: Legacy tries to push this envelope too but it can't go as far by virtue of the technology-oriented world we live in these days. It's not like 1982 was SO primitive, it's just that back then only a handful of people really understood where technology was going, I think - any movie from the eighties that tried to accurately predict what the world would be like in twenty years or so was way off. But it seems to me that the average person today has at least some sort of grasp of what the next twenty years will realistically bring with regards to technology.
It's the Age of Information after all. Concepts discussed in TRON: Legacy really don't seem that out of reach.

2. Scott Pilgrim VS The World

Is this movie based on you? Pretty much, yeah. Well, that is, it's based on a comic that is based on me. When are you going to start seeing some money for this? Any day now, I'm sure. So you have an X-Men patch on your jacket? No, they changed that. I have a BPRD patch. I guess they figured X-Men was more recognizable. Would you really date a chick with so much baggage? Dude, I ONLY date chicks with that much baggage. Halifax: Threat or Menace? Definitely Menace. You'll see.












1. Batman: Under The Red Hood

Waitaminute! This movie wasn't even released in theatres! What do you think you're doing? Stating my favourite movie of 2010. I don't recall any rules besides date of release. It's a 2010 release so bite me. Ok, smart guy - so what's so great about it? It's extremely faithful to the comic arc on which it is based (what a concept!) - Judd Winick, who wrote the comics, did the script - , the voicework is topnotch, the animation is fantastic, Gotham looks just like it should...I could go on. Anything you DIDN'T like about it, fanboy? While the voicework is great, of course I would have preferred having Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill - all the other actors I'm fine with, even the guy playing Gordon. So who is the Red Hood? You can't be serious. Will this open the door for more animated movies based on awesome story arcs? God, I hope so.

MINI-LIST: Shane's Favourite Movies of 2010

Even though I saw fewer films than usual last year I figured I'd be ruining an annual tradition if I didn't mention my favourites of 2010. I'm hoping my fellow listers will draw attention to their favourites as well. Enjoy the mini-list.

5. Toy Story 3

How would you describe the movie in five words? The Great Escape with toys. Why did it make your list? It's a satisfying and entertaining conclusion to one of the best trilogies around. Pixar never fails to impress with their quality of characters and story. What was your favourite thing about the movie? The way these CG toys convey more humanity and emotion than many real people in live action films do. What didn't you like about it? That the film keeps building and building to the escape portion, but it turns out to be a retread of the escape from Sid's house' from the first Toy Story, and it just wasn't nearly as interesting. What surprised you most? Just how dark and depressing some parts get. The villains are truly evil and sadistic, and some - like the baby doll - are really creepy. This may be a bit traumatizing to younger kids, but I'm ultimately glad Pixar doesn't pull any punches.

4. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

How would you describe the movie in five words? Super geeky pop culture attack. Why did it make your list? It's a fun, high energy story of love and physical confrontation. It may be the most visually interesting film of the year; every shot has something cool to look at. Plus, it has hilarious, enjoyable characters. What was your favourite thing about the movie? That it takes place in Canada. It was filled with little nods to Canadian culture, and I cracked up whenever Scott defeated a foe and they would explode into loonies and toonies flying everywhere. What didn't you like about it? Well, some of the fights with the 7 deadly ex's aren't quite as cool as that first battle. What surprised you most? That I wasn't tired of Michael Cera playing the same sort of quiet character again, though maybe it had something to do with his inexplicable ability to uppercut people into the stratosphere.

3. Tangled

How would you describe the movie in five words? Chick with magical hair sings. Why did it make your list? It's easily the best animated film Disney has put out in some time (excluding Pixar's work for them). The scenery and design of the film is gorgeous and with compelling characters and story, snappy dialogue, and a rich score, it had everything I had hoped. What was your favourite thing about the movie? Watching the trailers would lead you to believe that Rapunzel's pet chameleon was going to be the comic relief as the typical animal sidekick. Instead a horse with an unwavering sense of justice steals every scene he's in. What didn't you like about it? Not enough of that horse, of course. What surprised you most? I went to the movie not knowing it would be a musical much like Disney's heyday of the late 80's and early 90's. The songs are fantastic and I was pleasantly surprised.

2. Inception

How would you describe the movie in five words? Russian stacking doll brain fuck. Why did it make your list? I could go on for many paragraphs on why I like this movie, but this is a mini-list, so I'll just say that I'm amazed with the story Christopher Nolan has crafted. He's produced another astonishing movie with style, substance, and thrills. What was your favourite thing about the movie? I just love all the ways you can interpret the story. As far as I can tell, there are the events of the film as we see them, the events as they really happened, and then a third layer of how the movie is experienced by the audience. Each element is significant, but they stand alone. It's entertaining at face value, but it gives you plenty to analyze and think about as you watch again. What didn't you like about it? I just wasn't digging the James Bond-esque snowy mountain facility sequence. What surprised you most? That many people hate this movie or call it boring. How can you not enjoy a dream heist that includes things like shifting gravity fights? It's an original movie that demands your attention, and I have no idea how that's boring.

1. Black Swan

How would you describe the movie in five words? Ballerina perfectionist loses her shit. Why did it make your list? It's a haunting, suspenseful, spellbinding movie about a woman who's pushed physically and mentally over the edge by a passion for perfection. The movie manages to be frighteningly beautiful and mixes together unsettling moments of dread and sexual energy. I was strangely turned on one moment, and then horrified the next, and I loved it. What was your favourite thing about the movie? Natalie Portman, who stands out with easily my favourite performance of the year. It's amazing what she achieves to believably play a world class ballet dancer. The physical demands of the role aside, her character is so tragic and intense that there's no looking away. What didn't you like about it? Nothing comes to mind. I'm too busy thinking about watching it again. What surprised you most? That my top movie is about ballet. Well, it's really about much more than that. If you've been hesitant over seeing it because of the subject matter, please ignore that and dive in; it's a modern masterpiece of psychological horror.

MINI-LIST: Memorable Modern Commercials

I have been neglecting the TV category, so here's a quick list of memorable/favourite commercials from the last decade or so. There were certainly many ridiculously crazy and awesome commercials from the 80's and early 90's, but I will leave that list in the capable hands of someone else with a better memory than me. Instead I will focus on commercials that stick in my brain from the age of the Internet.

5. Volkswagen: Singing in the Rain

What the hell? It's an "updated" version of "Singing in the Rain" where Gene Kelly is having what seems to be a musical seizure. You like this? Actually, yes. I think it's creative and well made. But isn't it awful that they pasted a dead guy's face on to a break-dancer to make a buck? Well, I will point out that the goal of advertising is to grab your attention. I think this does. Can anything good be taken away from this raping of a classic? Yeah, it introduced me to the group 'Mint Royale' and they are pretty cool. Was that actually a real person dancing or a suit filled with electric Jell-O? Uh... real.

4. Honda: The Cog

What the hell? It's a series of car parts playing out a most elaborate Rube Goldberg Machine. Okay, is this real? Despite some doubt, apparently in 2003 two cars were torn asunder and then constructed into this domino machine that finally worked properly after many takes. How many takes are we talking about here? Several months of work and 606 takes altogether. Where can I find more amazing Rube Goldberg thingies? Well, you could check out the Mythbusters Christmas Special, or Ok Go's amazing video for "This Too Shall Pass". Any others? What am I? Google?

3. X-Box: Guns

What the hell? It's hundreds of people engaging in a huge imaginary Mexican standoff and then blasting the hell out of each other in a giant imaginary war. Was this commercial banned? Everywhere I look online it says it was banned, yet I have no idea why. There is no blood or gore of any kind. There aren't even any guns! Do you think it's because the commercial is suggesting gun violence? Probably, but let's face facts, you'd see more violent imaginary wars in any playground. So why is this so cool? Because it shows that all you need to have fun is an imagination. Why do you look so sad? If society is so uptight that they won't show an imaginary fight on TV, there's no chance I'll ever be part of one in the real world. Sigh!

2. Embrace Life

What the hell? It's one of the best PSA's, NAY, best commercials I've ever witnessed. Why does it work? Because it's simple, and makes its point beautifully. More simple and beautiful than frying an egg that represents your brain on drugs? Yes. Are you going to tell me anything else about it? No, just shut up and watch it already. Shouldn't I ask you a fifth question? Well, you just did. Congratulations.

1. Nutri-grain: Feel Great

What the hell? Yes, what the hell indeed. Yet another commercial that I'd much rather you watch than having myself feebly try and describe it. Why is it so great? Well, besides being one of the craziest commercials ever, it's also one of the funniest, and most quotable. Every time I watch it I'm left with more and more questions. Is that a good thing? Absolutely. I just want to know more about these characters and what happens next. Kelloggs made this? Probably the weirdest thing they've ever made. Does that woman freak you out? Word.

MINI-LIST: Best Announcements of E3 2010

I guess we have ourselves a tradition. Here’s – in my opinion – the best announcements of E3 2010… as a MINI-LIST!

As a side note, of my Best Announcements of E3 2009 list, only one of the games will actually see a release in 2010. Square Enix claims Final Fantasy XIV will be out this year, but I’ll believe it when I see it. That gives you an idea of how the video game industry moves. You’ll also notice that there’s only one non-Nintendo title on this list. Well, unless you’re excited by Xbox 360 and PS3 trying to imitate the Wii’s motion controls with Kinect and Playstation Move, then there wasn’t too much else to see. Sorry, Halo and Gears of War fanboys.

But yes, on with the list!

5. Donkey Kong Country Returns

What’s the big deal? It’s a new Donkey Kong Country, for God’s sake. Do we have stupid characters like Baby Kong and Cranky Old Bitty That Cuts You Off on The Highway In Her Huge Chrysler Fifth Avenue Kong? No, and what’s wrong with you, Invisible Question Man? We’re back to the roots with Diddy and Donkey! Is it 2D, sidescrolling? Oh yes, with parallel layers. Donkey and Diddy can make their way to the background or foreground whenever they need to. I guess Rare is back and better than ever? Nope, Rare still sucks. This one is being developed by Retro Studios – the guys that brought us the Metroid Prime Trilogy. Most importantly, will there be Mine Carts? Oh, you’d best believe.

4. The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Sword

Didn’t you mention this in your list last year? Yes I did. So why bring it up again? This is 2010! Last year all they had to show was a teaser poster and there wasn’t even a title. This year they have gameplay! Albeit early, under-developed gameplay, but heck, Link was swinging his sword in perfect 1:1 connection with the Wii Motion Plus! Oh, man… is it cell-shaded again? Yes, but not like Wind Waker. This is a more colourful style, and besides, Link’s all grown up… and no freakin’ boats! Please, for all that’s holy, Tingle isn’t in it, is he? It’s too early to tell, but you could probably start fashioning a noose now, just in case. Will we still be hearing about this at E3 2011? Probably.

3. Portal 2

How could Valve possibly top Portal!? Well, how about new gameplay elements like physics-changing paint that can give you super speed? Huh, what about that? Is that hilarious, and completely harmless, GLaDOS still up to no good? Oh yes, GLaDOS is back and this time there’s several of her. Those personality cores you met at the end of Portal? Well they’ve all split off and created their own identities this time around. Companion cube, companion cube, companion cube? Honestly, I didn’t see anything about our best friend ever, but they’d have to be completely brainless not to bring the Weighted Companion Cube back in a big way. Did Chell escape in the last game and do we have a new protagonist? Chell did not escape. If you’ve seen any of the updated additions to Portal on Steam then you’d know they altered the ending so that Chell is recaptured. Portal 2 is set 100 years in the future and Chell has been kept on ice. Will there be cake? Oh yes, and science.

2. Goldeneye 007

You idiot, Goldeneye came out in 1997. Are you playing tricks on us? I’m not messing with you. An all new Goldeneye 007 for the Nintendo Wii, with updated graphics, gameplay and online multiplayer! O RLY!? OMG, is Brosnan making a return!? Actually, no. This game is being remade in the new style of Bond film and featuring Daniel Craig as 007 to help it mesh with the new films. Well, Rare is at least doing something worth a damn, right? Ha, again, no. This one is being developed by Eurocom and published by Activision. I think Rare made some shitty Facebook game for Xbox 360, though. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. What about Trevelyan and Natalya? Are they making an appearance? Trevelyan has been shown, and no, before you ask, it’s not Sean Bean. As to whether we’ll have to return to Hell and cart Natalya’s ass around the Bunker or the Jungle is yet to be seen. Will we finally get an All Bonds Code? Yes, and Sasquatch will also be a playable character.

1. Nintendo 3DS

3D without glasses? Oh, please. It’s real and apparently, it’s amazing. Imagine Mario jumping off the screen at you? Well, from all accounts that’s just the kind of thing you’ll see. Isn’t this just another stupid version of the DS? No, this is a full-on successor. If you don’t recall, Nintendo used the Gameboy brand name from 1989 right up until 2005 with the release of the Gameboy Micro. This has all new graphical output – comparable to the PS2 and Wii – and will have new titles as well as backwards compatibility with the DS. Oh, and you'll be able to take 3D pictures.  Yeah, that just happened.  Are the games going to be focused on casual players, like usual with the Nintendo? I don’t think you’ve been paying attention. Nintendo is definitely focusing their efforts on the hardcore and regular gamer. Did you see more Cooking Mama this year? No. You saw Zelda, Kirby, Donkey Kong, Goldeneye and Kid Icarus, carnsarnit. To top that, some of the games that were announced for 3DS were Resident Evil Revelations, Star Fox 64 3D, Paper Mario 3D and Metal Gear Solid 3D: Snake Eater “The Naked Sample” – I know, what a title – for crying out loud. Okay, sure Nintendogs + Cats was there, but you have to give Shiggy Pop something goofy to play with. Lemme guess, I’ll have to buy all the old Nintendo classics again, won’t I? Well, if you want them in 3D, then yes. But why wouldn’t you want them in 3D, fool!? At the show Nintendo had Yoshi’s Story, Mega Man 2 and Legend of Zelda up and running, and rumor has it that they looked awesome in pop-up, 3D graphics. Other games shown in a preview demo included Castlevania, Urban Champion, Kid Icarus, Smash Ping Pong, Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros., Tennis, Metroid and Mystery of Murasame Castle. Okay, I'm sold.  Will we see this in 2010? Sadly, no. The President of Nintendo of America – Reggie Fils-Aime - announced it wouldn’t make its way out until 2011. That being said, just about every other huge announcement the Big N had this year is intended for 2010, including Goldeneye 007, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Metroid: Other M, Kirby: Epic Yarn, etc, etc, etc.

Now that’s how you do an E3, Microsoft and Sony.

MINI-LIST: Coolest Alien Races

It's time for me to give this mini-list thing a whirl. So let's get it on like Red Dawn.

5. Technarchy/Phalanx
What's with the slash? Well, the race is the Technarchy while the Phalanx are a genetic offshoot. You seriously think these guys are cooler than the Transformers? No. I'm just not comfortable calling Transformers an alien race since they're machines. But these guys are techno-organic so...yeah. What alien race from Star Trek are they most comparable to? The Borg. But they're way more hardcore. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? While it's something they totally would do if they ever had the chance, it was actually the Phalanx that pulled this trick after stupid humans inadvertently created them and tried to use them to eliminate mutants. Didn't work out too well. Would I enjoy visiting their homeworld (Kvch)? Sure. You'll enjoy everything once you are assimilated into the Collective.



4. Xenomorphs
Aren't they more like an alien species rather than alien "race"? Whatever. Are they friendly and cuddly? Look at the freaking picture! OK, so should I shoot them? Not at close range if you can help it. Didn't they kill Bill Paxton? Yup. Is Burke still worse than them? Well, it's not like you see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage.












3. Irkens
How's their government work? They are ruled by The Almighty Tallest - the two Irkens who just happen to be...taller than everyone else (pictured).Works for me. What's their favourite thing to do? It's a tie between bulldozing planets to convert them into single-purpose areas (like parking lots or food courts) and eating snacks. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? Not officially. The Irken Empire doesn't give two shits about the Earth. But Zim doesn't know that and takes his "mission" to wipe out all humans and prepare the planet for conversion very seriously. But, as Gaz observed, "He's so bad at it." Don't they seem a little tame for a Jhonen Vasquez creation? I guess you're right. Except that their MO is exterminating and enslaving other races just so they can turn their planets into one-stop shopping complexes. What does the "g" stand for? I don't know.

2. Predators
Isn't it awesome how they insist on using edge weapons despite their super-advanced technology? It sure is. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? Nah, they just like to hunt us for sport from time to time. Killed Bill Paxton? Natch. What alien race from Star Trek are they most comparable to? You could say the Klingons but it's quite a stretch. They're a hell of a lot deadlier and cooler. Is the new movie actually going to be any good? God, I hope so.

1. The Shi'ar
What alien race from Star Trek are they most comparable to? The Romulans. They're smart, aggressive and mean. What makes them cooler than the Kree and the Skrulls? For one thing they're a lot smarter. As technologically advanced and powerful as both the Kree and Skrulls are, both races are completely preoccupied with killing each other. This has led their empires into decline while the Shi'ar's just keeps growing. They did actually have a war of their own with the Kree but they won. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? Pretty sure they haven't. But they have messed with Earth on occasion, including once sending the Brood (a very nasty alien species kind of similar to the Xenomorphs) there but this wasn't an official act of the Empire, it was just Deathbird acting on her own. Since their relations with the X-Men, the Shi'ar have actually for the most part maintained a good relationship with Earth (although they're still really fucking condescending) Are they fun at parties? I'm not sure but they were definitely a hit at the Grey family reunion. Unless you think massacring every single guest but Rachel wouldn't be a good time. Aren't you cheating by including the entire Shi'ar Empire since while the primary race is the Aerie, it actually incorporates many other races as well? Go fuck yourself.

MINI-LIST: iPhone Games That Are Actually Fun

As I return from a four month hiatus where I inexplicably dropped off the radar, I come to you with a format that I hope my listing brethren will approve of - the Mini-List!

For each entry in the Mini-List five quick questions will be answered to get across the essential information for a topic that doesn't really require excessive coverage. It's for the list enthusiast on the go! So I guess it'll be like Go-gurt but cooler.

Since getting my iPhone late last year, I've tried out a ridiculous amount of games for it. As one would assume, a cellphone isn't really the best platform for gaming, but there were a handful that kept my attention and brought me back again and again. Only games unique to the iPhone allowed for this list, so nothing like Pac-Man or Plants vs. Zombies, for example. Here are the games that I didn't delete immediately, and can actually recommend.

5. Boost
How do I play? The objective is simple, race down an ever-changing course as far as possible avoiding obstacles. Does it look good? It's surprisingly crisp and appealing for having such simple graphics. I just drank eight beer, can I still play? No complicated controls here, just tilt the phone side to side to steer. Why is it so addictive? Because you're constantly trying to beat your own high score. It's easy enough for anyone to pick up and play, but difficult enough to offer a challenge. Any extra features? Yeah, hand it to someone on shrooms.

4. Medieval
How do I play? Protect your castle against the invading hordes, and take out the opposing castle post haste. God help us, another tower defense game? Not quite. It's all about deciding how to take out the enemy. Knock down the castle with trebuchets, or arrows, or simply steal their flag. Can I upgrade stuff? You bet your ass you can. How many levels? Unlimited, and they keep getting harder. Why is it so addictive? Hurling boulders at soldiers just never gets old.

3. Skee-Ball
How do I play? It's skee-ball. Is there any strategy involved? Tilting the phone while the ball is in the air gives it some spin. And aiming for the glowing holes can earn you precious multipliers. Did you just say 'glowing holes'? Yes. Let's move on. Why is it so addictive? Not only is it skee-ball in your pocket, but as you play you earn tickets to spend on shitty prizes, just like in real life! Can I try? Sure. But if you beat my high score, I'll stab you in the lung.

2. Space Miner: Space Ore Bust
How do I play? Explore zones of space in pursuit of riches by blasting everything in your path. What's it like? It's like Asteroids with a story and RPG elements. How are the controls? Like I said ... it's like asteroids, but that's all part of the fun. Why is it so addictive? Upgrading your ship, hidden items, in-game achievements. The list goes on. Aren't you ashamed you spent 10 hours on a cellphone game? Not nearly as ashamed as the 8 of those hours probably spent playing on the toilet.

1. Angry Birds
How do I play? Use a giant slingshot to hurl kamikaze birds into frail structures to kill all the pigs that have wronged bird-kind. Is this a puzzle game? Sort of. It's more like a physics simulation combined with crack. Are there different angry birds? Yes, and they all have special abilities to help bash your way to the swine. Angle your shots well and make sure not a bird-soul is wasted. Why is it so addictive? Probably because even when you fail a level you're having fun, and trying again takes half a second. What's the best part? The hilarious sounds each bird makes as it's launched to its glorious death.