Ryan’s Desert Island Handheld Video Games

Yes, that title is, indeed, a mouthful.

I chose a handheld for my list simply because it seemed more plausible (which in these scenarios doesn’t matter in the least) that I could have a small, portable gaming system with me on a desert island, rather than a TV, console and required peripherals.

I’ve also decided, just to make things a littler more stringent, that I’ll only have one handheld device with me: the Nintendo DS.  I chose this because it gives me access to Gameboy Advance games as well, via the system’s built-in GBA port.

How I’m going to re-charge the DS is as suspect as powering the TV and console, but whatever.  I’ll be a master of harnessing the energy of the coconut, or something.  Anyway, on with the list!

5. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

As a lover of Metroid-vania/Castleroid gameplay, I just had to have a Castlevania game on my list.

These games offer very extended gameplay.  There are lots of areas to explore in the castle, tons of enemies to take on, endless weapons to find and try and in the Aria/Dawn of Sorrow mini-series of Castlevania games there are tons of souls to capture, giving your main character Soma Cruz a bevy of abilities.  It’s like Pokemon meets Castlevania: you gotta catch ‘em all!

I had a hard time deciding which of the most recent Castlevania portable games to choose from.  There was Aria of Sorrow (the predecessor to Dawn of Sorrow), Portrait of Ruin and Order of Ecclesia.  I very much enjoyed all of these games, but the collecting aspect of Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow ultimately gives you much more to do than the other titles I’ve mentioned. I basically picked Dawn because of its upgraded graphics and DS functionality, but I suppose I could have just as easily chosen Aria in its place.

If there was somehow a port of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night for the DS then you’d best believe it’d be on this list.  

4. Mega Man Zero Collection

This is such a cheat, but I’m doing it anyway!  As you may know, I’m a bit of a Mega Man fan and if I were to be stranded on a deserted island for the rest of my days, I would most definitely have to have me some Mega Man on hand.

I’d much rather have all kinds of other Mega Man titles, but as far as GBA/DS go, the best I have at my disposal are the four Mega Man Zero games, released for the Gameboy Advance and then re-released as a collection last year on the Nintendo DS.

I could be real and just choose one of them, and I’m sure any of them would do the trick, but if I can technically have them all in one game, why not!?  

There were two DS-specific Mega Man titles, both of which I’ve owned and defeated, entitled Mega Man ZX and Mega Man ZX: Advent, but if I had to take my pick I’d go with the Zero titles.  Although they’re very similar, at least in playing Mega Man Zero I can play as an actual hero from the Mega Man X franchise, instead of some kid wearing a Mega Man suit.

3. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

This game is very much a compromise, much like taking Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow over Symphony of the Night, because it doesn’t exist on the DS.  If the original Final Fantasy Tactics were available on this handheld, then I’d be taking that game.  Alas it is not, so I’ll be taking its descendant: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.

The much-hyped spiritual successor to the blockbuster Playstation title, FFT Advance takes the world of Ivalice in an all-new direction for the Gameboy Advance.  You could say it was made much more kid-friendly, and you’d be completely right.  Gone is the political intrigue, the religious overtones and the dark, bloody storyline of the original game in place of some kids finding a magic book and being whisked away to a magical world.

The gameplay is what makes this a must-have on my indefinite desert island excursion.  Putting aside the storyline -- which isn’t bad by the way, it’s just not as good as the original’s -- the turn-based, tactical RPG style that was passed down to FFT from Tactics Ogre is what makes this game amazing.  

Why this over FFT Advance 2: Grimoire of the Rift - the DS successor to FFTA?  FFTA2 (these acronyms are getting to be a bit much, huh?) takes a new spin on the gameplay, which requires too much quest-giving and walks players through the game.  At least in FFTA there are some “random battles”.  I’d rather if there were true random battles like FFT, allowing for power-leveling, but I’ll take the pseudo random battles in FFTA, in the form of clan battles.  Also, obtaining new team members is a major annoyance in FFTA2, and it’s just an inferior game to FFTA (phew).

For my tactics fix, I just have to have Final Fantasy Tactics Advance for the GBA with me on the sandy beaches of my new home (very far) away from home.

2. Super Mario 64 DS

Super Mario has had many classic iterations.  In fact, this writer’s favourite isn’t even Super Mario 64; it’s Super Mario Bros. 3 for the NES.  Now you ask, “But, Super Mario Bros. 3 came out for the GBA, didn’t it?”  Why yes, it did.  However, even if I take my time with Super Mario Bros. 3, it doesn’t compare to the exploration that is involved with finding all 120 stars in Super Mario 64.

Super Mario 64 features a giant castle filled with many different worlds, much like other games in the classic Mario series.  However, the game-style is something that hasn’t been matched since, even with newer titles like Super Mario Galaxy, a game that attempts to emulate Super Mario 64 in many ways.

You’re given a “world”, in the form of a castle portrait, and then a clue to where the star may be hidden, or what task you need to complete to find it, and then it’s up to you to find all the stars.  It may only take 70 to reach the game’s end, but there are truly 120 to be found within the world of Super Mario 64.  That is the reason why I would have to have this game with me on a desert island.  Also, it is my second favourite game in the Mario series.

The Nintendo DS port of Super Mario 64 also offers multiple characters and new locations for each of those corresponding characters: Luigi, Wario and Yoshi.  This offers even more gameplay than the original 64 title.  All in all, a must have to keep me content while stranded away from the rest of civilization.

1. Final Fantasy VI Advance

This should be no surprise to the readers that know me, but Final Fantasy VI (formerly known as Final Fantasy III in North America) is my very favourite game of all time.  On a desert island, I’d need a rich, fun storyline.  With 14 different characters, all of which with their own individual abilities and specs, as well as the ability to teach each of these characters magic through the Esper system, there are endless gameplay capabilities found within FF6.

A departure from the usual sword and sorcery storyline of its predecessors, FF6 also has a cool, steampunk theme, which blends the worlds of magic with technology.  It has a storyline that envelops all of its 14 characters (a series record) and features a second half that is completely wide open, with tons of sidequests to keep you playing this game for a long, long time.

The GBA port of this game also features new Espers -- giant summoned creatures that party members can learn spells from, as well as call on in battle -- and an all new set of dungeons, which increases the playability of an already chocked-full game.

This game combines the great story-telling of a novel with a fun game, which inherits all of that great Final Fantasy styled gameplay in what I consider to be the series’ very best.  If I could only have one single game with me on this deserted isle, it would most definitely have to be Final Fantasy VI.

Shane's Desert Island Movies

Only having a handful movies to watch for the rest of my life is a terrifying thought and I really struggled putting this together. Making this list was not just about picking my 5 favourite movies ever (though that was certainly a starting point). Instead it was trying to find the movies I think are great, that I'd be willing to watch again and again, and that would cover the widest range of genres so I would have the most variety. So, here they are in no particular order.

5. The Dark Knight (2008)
I've already praised this movie enough in my favourite films of 2008, so I'll try to keep this brief. This was an easy pick seeing as how it's my favourite superhero film about my favourite superhero. If I can't drag along a stack of graphic novels to the island, I should at least take along the best movie about Batman. When it came down to it I had to decide between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, and I love them almost equally, but the truth is one of them had Scarecrow, the other had The Joker. You do the math.

Whenever I'm craving action and thrills this movie will have me covered. So much happens that it practically feels like two movies crammed into one, but it also feels complete enough that I won't mind watching only the middle of a trilogy of movies. Well ... at least that's the idea.

4. Spirited Away (2001) 
For a good while I had this movie pegged as my all time #1. It tells the tale of a young girl named Chihiro who is moving to a new home with her parents when they take a shortcut that leads them to strange abandoned village. As night falls, her parents are transformed into pigs and Chihiro finds the world is filled with spirits. She makes her way to a bathhouse for the spirits and ends up working there as she tries to figure out a way home again.

This movie is such an unusual and beautiful film, I find it hard to describe what's so amazing about it, but bear with me. The score is wonderful and the animation is among the best I've ever seen. Combined with the sound design the film captures details so vividly that every moment spent in the spirit bathhouse feels real: the sound of bare feet on wooden floors, the deep rumbling and hissing of furnaces, the sloshing of hot water. I can practically feel the humidity in the air.

Spirited Away has been compared to "Alice in Wonderland" and other famous fantastical children stories. It does have similarities to many of those tales, but it still stands out as something unique. There is a dream-like quality to Chihiro's journey. The places she travels to and the characters she meets either fill you with a sense of comfort, a sense of fear, or shift between the two. Chihiro herself changes as well; maturing from a sullen, easily-angered girl, to one who is is confident in facing the challenges that life throws at her. It seems like the ideal positive message I'd need in my isolation.

3. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992) 
The film takes place almost entirely in a real estate office where a group of salesmen must face off  in a contest that will win one of them a new car and cost one of them their job. The film's taken a competitive job in a competitive industry and added more competition, so you should not be surprised to learn that stress and emotions run high.

First of all, if you haven't watched this movie yet, drop everything and watch it right now. I mean it. I had known about it forever and only got around to seeing it two years ago and it blew my mind. It's so goddamn good. It's an all-star lineup of actors giving amazing performances: Spacey, Arkin, Harris, Pacino. Plus Alec Baldwin tears shit up during the film's opening like no one's business, and Jack Lemmon gives one of the best performances EVER. Seriously, I get chills.

It's so good because every moment is riveting. You have a group of master bullshitters all trying to bullshit their way to the top with their own approach. It's a cutthroat business and as pressure quickly escalates almost every character goes on a tirade before the end. This is easily the most fun I've had watching people yell and swear at each other. In any other movie it would seem profane, but here, with the right script and actors, it's like poetry.

Why is this movie a good pick for my deserted island? Well, the dialogue is so good I want to memorize every line of it, and a deserted island might be just the right place to try. Also, the movie reminds me of some of the worse jobs I've had, and that should make me feel thankful to be out of the workforce and trapped in the middle of the ocean.

2. Rear Window (1954)
I knew I wanted a Hitchcock film here, and I was torn between Rear Window and Vertigo for some time. Rear Window won because it has a more suspenseful story, more enjoyable performances, and I just really love the way the film keeps us locked into Jeff's vantage point throughout. The first time I watched it I was literally stunned at how engrossing it was and how tense I was getting as the final act plays out. Every time I watch it I'm still on the edge of my seat when Lisa goes into the neighbour's apartment to investigate.

I enjoy all the characters immensely, but of course Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly really make this film as great as it is. I love his trademark delivery and mannerisms, and I love her elegant beauty and sensual voice (I would honestly listen to her read the phone book if I could). It's so much fun watching these two very different characters finding a common interest to pull their relationship together, and then switching roles when they get caught up in their curiosity.

Rear Window is entertaining, re-watchable, and a masterpiece of mystery and suspense. I'll be watching it time and time again, deserted or not.

1. Amelie (2001) 
Like Spirited Away, Amelie is a movie that makes the world seem like a more happy, loving place. I figure even if a majority of my favourite movies are of a darker tone, I should choose a a balanced selection so as to keep my spirits up while I'm stuck on the island, you know, forever.

The film follows the life of the titular Amelie as she helps (and sometimes punishes) those around her in interesting ways and falls in love. The visuals are gorgeous and vibrant, the music relaxing and cheerful, and the characters quirky and whimsical. Hell, even the narration is notably pleasant. Front to back it's a charming French film. For me this film is like a warm hug, remembering the innocence of childhood, and reliving the experience of first love. Yeah, I know it sounds corny, but it's true.

All in all I think I've captured a solid selection of movies for whatever mood I might be in: mystery, suspense, action, adventure, drama, comedy, romance, fantasy, or animation. Stories about people trapped in one place and piecing together a secret, or heading off into an unknown world and learning something about themselves. Stories about the competition of business and the cruelty of mankind. Stories about people in disguise helping society for justice or romantic ideals. Stories about growing up and growing old, about losing love and finding love.

Hopefully I've got a nicely rounded assortment of entertainment to keep me occupied through the long lonely years of this hypothetical situation. Or maybe I'll become bored, go crazy, and spend my time making up movies in my mind with my only friend, a volleyball.

Most Talented Vancouver Canucks

Every year like clockwork, here in the dog days of August I start to go through a serious bout of hockey withdrawl. Nearly all the trades and signings take place in July and all news slows to a crawl. By this point I salivate at the thought of watching even meaningless exhibition games played with training camp rosters. But even that's a month a way.

So to help myself cope, I've come up with a list. Ah, Five-O-Rama, your functions are many and your splendor absolute.

In discussions of hockey, the word "talent" can of course refer to quite a few different things. But probably its most universal usage is in regard of offensive skill. The goal scorers, set-up men and flashy stickhandlers. How talented a player is in these areas doesn't always completely dictate his offensive totals. There are tons of other factors to consider. And plenty of players who have been known for their extreme skill have come to be known just as much for their bad work ethic, unwillingness to play the physical game and tendency to completely disappear in games. Such players are branded with labels like "underachiever" and "enigmatic". Some day I'll do a list on those players.

But for today we're talking about the most talented players to ever play for the Vancouver Canucks in their forty-plus year history. I've stuck to guys who played at least three seasons for the franchise and  had the chance to make a decent impact. Note that players ranking as high as third and second on the all-time franchise points list didn't make the cut. Obviously those players (Stan Smyl and Trevor Linden, respectively) were very talented but I feel there are others that outstrip them in pure offensive ability. So here they are.


5. Thomas Gradin C (1978-1986) 613gp 197 353 550
For eight seasons Gradin was one of the driving forces of the Canucks's offence. While known mostly as a playmaker he would still top 30 goals three times. He led the team in assists five times and in overall points twice.

Known for his deft stickhandling, the Swedish centre had great chemistry with Stan Smyl and set him up for many of his goals. Tony Tanti as well.

Perhaps his greatest moment as a Canuck came in the 1982 playoffs when the team made a surprising run to the Final. He led the team in scoring with 9 goals and 19 points in seventeen games.

But by 1985, he was no longer the team's number one centre, having lost the position to fellow Swede Patrick Sundstom, who in 83/84 set a franchise record for points in a season with 91 as a twenty-one year old. After the end of the 85/86 season, Gradin left the Canucks for the Boston Bruins, departing as the franchise's all-time leading scorer.


4. Daniel and Henrik Sedin LW, C (2000- ) 787gp 249 402 651  810gp 157 509 666
Isn't it great when people adhere to stereotypes? Because every stereotype you've heard about twins seems to go double for the Sedins. Believe me, it only makes perfect sense for them to share this slot.
Ever since they started playing minor hockey as kids, Daniel and Henrik have played on the same team. And on the same line. That's easy enough to manage at first but you'd think it would become problematic as they entered the pros. But no - early on coaches and gm's came to understand that the twins truly are a package deal. Their on ice chemistry can't be matched. They just seem to know where each other are at all times and what they're thinking. If you don't believe me, there's tons of video evidence to back this claim up.

But as their draft day approached, it seemed inevitable that they would finally be split up. After all they were both projected as top five picks and in 1999, no team held even two in the top twenty. To no one's surprise, neither one was seen as having any distinct advantages over the other - it really didn't matter which one was selected first because their skill sets, while different, added up to the same level. Daniel was the shooter and Henrik the passer. That's really all you needed to know.

The pair expressed their hope to somehow be drafted by the same team and Brian Burke, through some wheeling and dealing, made it happen so that he wound up with both the second and third overall picks. Patrik Stefan (perhaps the worst number one pick in NHL draft history) went to the Atlanta Thrashers, then the Canucks snapped up the twins (Daniel then Henrik). They wear the numbers 22 and 33 respectively.

It took the Sedins nearly a decade to live up to their superstar potential (an extremely rare occurrence for forwards) but all the way there their stats added up to nearly identical point totals, with Daniel scoring more goals and Henrik racking up the most assists.

They're both coming off 100-plus point seasons where they each led the league in scoring and have even recently proven they can still succeed playing apart, at least for short stretches. Another interesting thing about the twins is just how durable they've both proven to be over the years, hardly ever getting injured and missing time.

But what they'll most likely always be best known for is their "twin sense" that leads to fantastic chemistry on the ice. Together they've made some truly beautiful offensive plays, all the while piling up points at a fantastic rate.


3. Markus Naslund LW (1996-2008) 884gp 346 410 756
Yet another Swede makes the list and this one's the team's all-time leading scorer, ranking first in goals and fourth in assists. He also served as captain from 2000 until his departure.

A standout as a teenager playing for Modo in the Swedish Elite League (one of the two - Peter Forsberg was there too), Naslund was a first round pick of the Pittsburgh Penguins in 1991. He had an underwhelming rookie season in 93/94, not really getting much ice time on the  still high-powered Pens but in 95/96 was putting up very respectable numbers - 52 points through sixty-six games - when he was traded to Vancouver for Alek Stojanov, the Canucks's own first round pick from 1991, who was actually taken ten spots ahead of Naslund. Stojanov would score one goal in ten games for the Penguins after coming over and no points in nine playoff games. The following season he managed 5 points in thirty-five games. And that was it for his NHL career. Needless to say, it's remembered as perhaps the most lopsided trade in NHL history.

After two decent seasons in Vancouver, Naslund would develop into a thirty-goal scorer in 98/99 and he'd never look back. From 2000 through 2004, he was widely regarded as the best left winger in the game, playing on a dominant line with playmaking centre Brendan Morrison and power winger Todd Bertuzzi. In 02/03, Naslund was second in league scoring with 104 points including 48 goals - the second highest goal total for a Swede in league history. It was his third straight season with more than forty goals.

Naslund was a multifaceted player, known for his passing skills as much as his scoring. He had an extremely fast and accurate wrist shot, once winning the accuracy challenge in the All Star Skills Competition. He would never enjoy a particularly dominant playoff although he was a point a game or better there twice and the runs were short mainly due to Vancouver's goaltender issues of the time.

In 06/07 his production fell off steeply and never recovered. After two lackluster seasons he went to play for the New York Rangers where his fortunes didn't improve. It was his last season in the NHL.


2. Alexander Mogilny RW (1995-2000) 312gp 139 169 308
Mogilny's time in Vancouver wasn't exactly the highlight of his career. In the mid to late nineties the team experienced a sharp decline despite its talented lineup. Captain and fan favourite Trevor Linden was traded in 1997 and Mark Messier took his place. But the team still struggled, missing the playoffs from 1997 through 2000.

But Mogilny's first season there, 95/96, was one of his strongest. He put up 55 goals and 107 points. This was all the more impressive considering Pavel Bure, his fellow Russian star with whom he was supposed to form a dynamic pairing, was limited to just fifteen games due to injuries. A dazzling puckhandler with a lethal shot, Mogilny managed another strong season the following year despite injuries to Linden (forty games) and Bure (sixty-three games), scoring 31 goals and 73 points to lead the team again.

Mogilny was an extremely cerebral player, able to think the game at a higher level than most, and his own physical skills matched up to this allowing him to execute brilliant plays at top speed. This was of course precisely why he'd been brought to Vancouver. He'd spent five years as an absolute scoring machine in Buffalo, including one of the best goal-scoring seasons of all time, a 76 goals in seventy-seven games campaign in the magical 92/93 season. He was such a scoring threat that his playmaking abilities often went overlooked but he was a dynamite passer as well.

Unfortunately, injuries would limit his effectiveness over the following two seasons in Vancouver where he would play under sixty games each time. Mogilny was usually good to perform at a point-a-game pace or higher but getting hurt and coming back several times messed up his rhythm and his numbers went down because of it.

After putting up 38 points through forty-seven games in the 99/00 season, he was traded to the New Jersey Devils, who he would help win the Stanley Cup that year. The dream pairing with Bure never worked out as they seemed to almost take turns getting injured. In 97/98, while Mogilny battled injuries and scored 45 points in fifty-one games, Bure bounced back to play all eighty-two games scoring 51 goals and 90 points. It was his last season as a Canuck. But it's still fun to imagine what the two might have accomplished together if things had gone differently.

1. Pavel Bure RW (1991-1998) 428gp 254 224 478
The Russian Rocket tops this list, to the surprise of no one I am sure. From the moment he burst into the NHL in the 91/92 season, scoring 34 goals in just sixty-five games (and winning the Calder Trophy in the process), Bure was a human highlight reel. His combination of speed, great hands and will to score made him one of the most dangerous players of the nineties. It's not a stretch to say that something exciting would happen nearly every time he touched the puck. And if he ever got the chance to wind up, look out.

Easily the most pure scorer on this list, his next two seasons he scored 60 goals each time, blowing away previous Canuck scoring records and leading the league in goals the second time. That year (93/94) he also led the playoffs in goals with 16 in twenty-four games during Vancouver's magical run to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final.

As noted above, his 95/96 and 96/97 seasons were marred by injuries and kept him from approaching his usual offensive totals but he managed one final fifty goal season for the Canucks in 97/98.

To date, Bure sits fourth in goals on the Canucks all-time list with 254 and the three players in front of him (Naslund, Linden and Smyl) all played at least four hundred more games than him. His skill and creativity are legendary and I don't see them being bested by a Canuck any time soon.

Worst Video Game Voice Acting

The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated, and so I'm back for a surprise list.

Frivolities aside, and grander frivolities a'front, I love bad acting, and video games are where bad acting goes to die.

I've assembled a list of 5 memorable moments in horrible, horrible acting for our collective schadenfreude. #5-2 are in no particular order—#1 is my favourite.

(There is plenty of even shittier material in this video, but I went with more personally memorable content.)

5. Animal Soccer World (PS2—seriously!?)

While I'm still not sure where the “game” element to this game is, it is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. I stumbled across it in the Tubes and thought I was hallucinating.

I imagine the genesis as such: OK, we've got 5 seconds of music, a bunch of Mexican illegals locked in a bathroom, a water-damaged microphone, and some bootlegged Chinese animation cells from The Lion King and Ovide and the Gang. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Unpaid Mexicans recorded through a bathroom wall, that's the ticket. Now that we've seen it, let's never speak of it again.

4. Megaman 8 (PS1)

Just ignore the weirdness from CD-i Zelda (robbed of a spot on this list) edited into this.

How could someone conceivably have thought that this was a good voice for the kindly scientist Dr. Light?

“Dats a gewd querstin,” you might be asking yourself.

Also, how have I gotten this far in life not realizing that there's an r in question?

As for the casting blunder, my suspicion is that somebody's half-retarded uncle needed booze money, and they could only afford one take. Dr. Wahwee, it is then. Here's your Colt 45, Uncle Mick.

3. Megaman X4 (PS1)

Zero's Troll 2-esque “What am I fighting foooooooooorrrrrrrraorrrrrrr!” isn't even the best bit here.

Skip ahead to 1:30.

There's so much awesome here. The way that Zero says “coup” as if it were a thing full of chickens; “Whatdoyouthinkyou'redoing?!” as a single phrase; the Colonel's resigned “oh” and his odd Australian accent.

Also, if there had been anything of substance at the end to ruin, wouldn't that irritating mechanical walking noise have done it? What an annoying universe to inhabit if everyone made that kind of racket with each step. It would be second only to the universe where everyone has to wear the baby from Eraserhead for shoes.

2. Resident Evil (PS1)

A classic exchange in a game renowned for its voice acting. While this entire scene is golden, I think I like Barry's helpful “Hurry! This way!” more than the actual “Jill sandwich line” itself.
Wait, which way Barry? Through the door? The only door? The door that you told me to step away from as you prepared to kick the very same door down? That way? Hmmm, I don't know...

I also love Jill's strange emphasis on “dining room” as though it were some ridiculous conceit. I mean really, an entire room just for dining? And he's doing research in it? Oh Barry... it's a good thing you're highly skilled at kicking down doors...

1. Space Hulk: Vengeance of the Blood Angels (PS1)

My friends and I played Warhammer 40k in junior high, so when one of us found this gem in a Zellers bargain bin, it seemed almost too good to be true.

“Ezeekiel, advance to this room. Ezeekiel, proceed to this area. Ezeekiel, close this door. Ezeekiel, press my pants. Ezeekiel, what are you doing!? Ezeekiel, do my taxes. Ezeekiel. Ezeekiel...E...Ezee...Ezeekiel.”

Jesus.

The real gem comes at 1:52

“I haven't found!!!! ... an ARCHIVED RECORD.”

Existential angst quickly turns to bitterness here. The opening delivery is one of deep insecurity. Oh God! What's wrong with me? I just turned a bulkhead full of Tyranid Genestealers into chili con carne, but I can't find a measly archived record... But watch as the treasured artifact quickly becomes an object of scorn and derision—“archived record” drawn out and said with a clenched fist. You did this to me! It's your fault! You goddamned archived record!

The delivery reminds me of a skit Shane found years ago where someone edited together clips of Lawrence Olivier's voice to make a Coca-Cola commercial... "But if I were... ALIVE!"

Anyway, that's all for me, folks. I guess I'll be back in a few years... :P

Ranking The Robins

 It isn't easy being a sidekick.

I don't know if it's cool for me to try a list where the five entries represent the only possible choices but oh well, here I go.

Not counting stuff like alternate timelines and the like, canonically, there have been five characters to officially hold the title of Robin, Batman's sidekick. Thankfully, all these characters are fairly distinct from each other and brought different traits to Robin's mantle. As I said, these five are also the only five but I still think this list has some merit because I really made the effort to decide which was the absolute best Boy (or girl) Wonder.


5. Stephanie Brown - first appearance: Detective Comics #647 (1992) as Robin: Robin #126 (2004)
The Robin with by far the shortest tenure and therefore the least impact, the girl formerly known as Spoiler was basically a fill-in for Tim Drake after his father discovered his secret and ordered him to give up the cape.  She actually takes his place sort of out of spite. The two had been enjoying one of those always fun on again/off again teenage relationships and were once again on the downswing. So in her anger and frustration, she breaks into the Batcave and demands the Robin gig from the Dark Knight himself.

Batman never exactly approved of her activities as Spoiler and was reluctant to allow her to be the new Robin. But I guess he decided that he could keep an eye on her this way and train her himself. But it doesn't go well as she disobeys his orders on two separate missions and he's forced to fire her. Maybe it was Batman's inexperience when it comes to dealing with girls that led him to dismiss her in...not the best fashion. What I'm saying is that she didn't take it well.

So what was her next move? To show both Tim and Batman that she did have what it takes to be a great crimefighter of course. She would prove that she was good enough for their little Bat-club. Unfortunately (hello, understatement), her actions wound up starting a city-wide gangwar that cost many lives (War Games), including, apparently, her own, at the hands of Black Mask.

It would turn out that she did survive this encounter (although she was certainly brutalized and tortured) and would eventually become the new Batgirl after Cassandra Cain quit. But I guess that's going to be almost as short-lived as her stint as Robin what with the newest DC reboot reinstating original Batgirl Barbara Gordon (retconning away her paralysis, apparently).  Now I wonder if Stephanie herself is going to survive the retcon.

Daughter of the Riddler rip-off, Cluemaster, I've always had a soft spot for her (yes, I have a thing for damaged girls) but can't say she wasn't the worst Robin.

4. Damian Wayne - first appearance: Batman #655 (2006) as Robin: Batman and Robin #1 (2009)
The biologically "perfect" offspring of Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul, Damian is the latest character to wear the R on his chest. Raised by his mother and his grandfather's ruthless League of Assassins, he's given the job at the age of ten. After such an upbringing, the biggest lesson he had to learn from his father and Dick Grayson is NOT to kill. And to not be such a little snot.

Teaming with Grayson, who took on the position of Batman after Bruce Wayne's "death", Damian remains a work in progress. Since his time as Robin is still ongoing at the time of this writing, I don't really have any more to say about him. Whether he's informing Dick that he doesn't have to listen to him, or treating Alfred like he's nothing more than hired help (he coldly addresses him as "Pennyworth"), Damian can be difficult to tolerate at times.  He certainly has great potential and has already accomplished some pretty impressive things but he still has a long way to go.

3. Jason Todd - first appearance: Batman #357 (1983) as Robin: Batman #368 (1984)
Now here's a guy who proved to be so unpopular that the fans actually voted to have him killed. Although, to be fair, the margin was slim. Still, Jason Todd just had a way of getting on everyone's nerves.

It was time for Dick Grayson to grow up and become his own man. After spending his adolescence fighting crime with Batman, he was experienced enough to go solo as Nightwing (although he would often work as a Teen Titan too). In time, the post of Robin was filled once more. In his original incarnation (that I really know almost nothing about), Jason was more or less accepted by the fanbase. But DC's reboot following Crisis On Infinite Earths changed his origin and character considerably. Mostly under writer Jim Starlin, Jason became an overly angsty, impulsive young man. A street orphan who first encounters Batman while trying to steal the tires off the freaking Batmobile.

In many ways, this wasn't a bad way to go. There wasn't much point just replacing Dick Grayson with a carbon copy after all (which is basically what he was before the retcon). The fact that Jason wasn't a prodigy like Dick and was...a little rough around the edges, was a welcome change. It created a different dynamic for the Dynamic Duo.

But after awhile, everyone was sick of his attitude. His constant clashes with Batman led to an overly aggressive and reckless crimefighting style. At one point, it's strongly implied that he pushes a rapist off a roof to his death. This eventually leads to a big mess that nearly gets Batman killed (Jason saves him) and a whole bunch of criminals die. There's nothing wrong with introducing a bit of edginess but using Robin to do it just doesn't feel right.

By 1988, the second Boy Wonder had worn out his welcome with the fanbase and they voted for him to be killed off in the A Death in the Family storyline. Following a tip to discover who is real mother is, Jason runs off and eventually locates her in Ethiopia. She turns out to involved in an embezzlement scam with none other than the Joker. Jason is savagely beaten by the Clown Prince of Crime and he and his mother are left tied up in a warehouse with a timebomb counting down. Comic fans did their thing and voted for him to not survive and he bites it in the explosion as Batman arrives too late to save him.

Looking back on it now, Jason's most significant contribution to the mantle of Robin was dying on the job. It gave Batman even more reason to be brooding, self-hating and slow to trust others. He always recalls his inability to properly mold Todd and keep him from harm as his greatest failure - an echo that makes itself heard again and again in all Batman stories. His costume remains on display as a memorial in the Batcave.

Of course Jason's eventual resurrection and activities as the new Red Hood have no bearing on his impact as Robin. I rank him third mainly because he's certainly done more than Damian and Stephanie but also because his legacy as a tremendous loss affects Batman and those around him to this day.


2. Dick Grayson - first appearance: Detective Comics #38 (1940)
Surprised to see him here? What can I say - first doesn't always equal best in my book. Let's go back to the beginning, shall we?

When you think about it, it's kind of weird working out exactly what the point of Robin was. He didn't really seem to fit in. It was one thing for Captain America to have his teenage sidekick, Bucky, fighting alongside him against the Nazi Menace during World War Two. Plenty of teenagers certainly were involved in that conflict. And it was just a sign of the times that heroes during the Golden Age of Comics had young sidekicks working alongside them. Superheroes were originally aimed at an audience of children and the thinking at the time was that to help get kids even more excited about their favourite heroes was to present characters they could relate to. That way, it was even easier for them to imagine themselves sharing adventures with their comic book idols. So Robin existed to fulfill this need.

Here we had the Batman: the dark and mysterious protector of Gotham City, striking terror into the hearts of criminals by night with his relentless war on crime. Criminals are "a cowardly and superstitious lot" and his costume was designed to take the best advantage of that, giving him a psychological edge  over the dangerous characters he opposed. But then there was Robin: an orphaned circus acrobat prancing about in bright yellow, red and green, making jokes. It kind of clashes with everything Batman's about, doesn't it?

But I realize that none of this is Dick Grayson's fault. He was merely the first in a line of characters whose very presence was a challenge for writers to explain. Why was the Dark Knight running around with some colourfully dressed kid? The easiest explanation was: to help balance him. Dick's upbeat and playful attitude served as a counter for Batman's serious and brooding manner. He's often reflected that at times, Robin's cheerful demeanour and carefree innocence (for someone in his position anyway) was the only thing that kept him from falling completely into the abyss.

So I realize I haven't said much about Dick's tenure as Robin. Well, that's because it would almost be redundant to do so. He was the first, longest-serving and easily most well-known character to hold the position. He was there for at least half of Batman's most celebrated moments. And he was great at the job, there's no denying that.

As he (very gradually, this is comic book time we're dealing in, remember) grew older, Dick occasionally began to chafe under Batman's tutelage. Towards the end, the fact that he was growing up and needed to become his own man became more and more apparent and finally, the Dynamic Duo parted ways. This was after about forty years of real time.

And my only real complaint regarding that time is that he actually was a little too perfect. Where his successor, Jason Todd, would prove to be overly angsty, Dick just wasn't angsty enough when you really think about how he grew up. True, unlike Jason, he had come from a loving and caring family who were raising him to be a good person. But I still think that he was just a little too squeaky clean as Robin and that keeps him from claiming the number one spot, as blasphemous as you might think that is.


1. Tim Drake - first appearance: Batman #436 (1989) as Robin: Batman #442 (1989)
So we come to number one with Robin Number Three. I know a lot of people believe that the best Robin is unquestionably Grayson but I just can't agree. And while Grayson is the most well-known Robin, Tim really is the one I grew up with. Yes, I watched Grayson on the amazing Batman The Animated Series in the early nineties and saw Chis O'Donnell play him in Batman Forever and Batman And Robin (shudder) in the mid nineties. But I was actually aware of Tim quite early on.

Somehow or other, I discovered the Knightfall storyline as it was going on in 1993 and in those pages saw that not only was Dick Grayson all grown up running around as Nightwing, but Tim wasn't even the next Robin after him. My knowledge of him trickled in gradually over the years until I got a clear picture of his character (remember, this was before I could just go online and look him up).

I think what struck me most about Tim was that Batman didn't actually recruit him. After Jason's death, he'd made a vow that there would be no more Robins. He of course felt that the whole thing was his fault. So how did Tim join the Bat Family? At the age of nine, using his own considerable abilities of deduction, he determined that the then current Robin was actually Dick Grayson after witnessing him executing a gymnastic move he'd used before when performing in the circus with his family. This led him to the logical conclusion that Bruce Wayne was Batman. In the wake of Jason's "departure", Tim eventually went to Batman and pretty much demanded the job. It was his belief that Batman would always need a Robin at his side.

I guess it was that he was a more cerebral Robin, displaying detective skills that might one day rival those of Batman himself, that most impressed me about Tim. Keep in mind too that he was the first Robin to actually star in his own ongoing title (uh, Robin). He was also the first Robin to operate in a cool looking costume (no pixie boots, for one thing) and, he was a nineties kid, like I was. Hey, how about that? The old Golden Age schtick of having a young character kid readers could relate to and envision themselves as actually worked on me some fifty years later. I don't know if that means Golden Age ideologies weren't all as lame as I thought they were or I was just a particularly lame kid myself...let's go with the first one.

Tim would go through some personal tragedy of his own, losing his father, rendering him an orphan, just like the Robins before him. He was also led to believe his girlfriend had died too, although we all know how that turned out.

Because I see him as a blend of all that was good about Dick Grayson and Jason Todd - not overly cheerful and wisecracking but not annoying angsty and moody either - and because he's clearly the smartest character to ever hold the gig, Tim Drake is the best of the Robins. History will prove me right.