Band Members That Didn't Work Out

There's more to putting together a successful band than just selecting members with musical talent. A band is a very close-knit unit that requires chemistry between personalities as well as musical sensibilities. In some cases, the more talented the individuals involved are, the less likely the chances of them working together cohesively. Also, bands sometimes include a member who has such a dominant personality when it comes to making music that it's a wonder anyone was ever able to work with him or her for a sustained amount of time. Looking back, I'm amazed that the original lineups of bands like Smashing Pumpkins and Guns 'N Roses held together for as long as they did.

For the most part, this list will deal with band members who, while not fitting in with a particular group, achieved at least a comparable amount of musical success elsewhere. So you won't be seeing the likes of Jason Everman or Pete Best here.


5. Dave Navarro - Red Hot Chili Peppers
After Perry Farrell decided to break up Jane's Addiction in 1991, guitarist Dave Navarro was in high demand in the music world. Axel Rose had just driven away Izzy Stradlin (a precursor to the breakup of GNR) and was very interested in replacing him with Navarro. Supposedly he was formally invited to join but never showed. In 1993, he formed his own band, Deconstruction, with former Jane's Addiction bandmate Eric Avery. They released one album in 1994 but didn't tour.

Because by this time, Navarro had joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers, replacing the strange and departed John Frusciante. His first ever gig with them was Woodstock '94 before they went into the studio to record the band's sixth album, One Hot Minute. This would be the followup to their 1991 breakthrough album Blood Sugar Sex Magik and Navarro's only record with the band.

The album was very difficult on the band as singer Anthony Kiedis found himself struggling with addiction once more after five years of sobriety. Writing and recording slowed to a crawl at times and Navarro was discovering that he didn't really fit in even though his darker musical influences at least meshed with the darker mood Kiedis found himself in. Gone were the funky sounds of past albums, replaced by the heavy metal-like riffs that Navarro favoured. Honestly, I think it's possible that Navarro only wanted to be a Chili Pepper because he also enjoys being shirtless all the goddamn time.

When it was finally completed and released in September of 1995, fans were confronted with an album that didn't really sound like the Red Hot Chili Peppers at all. I can recall that even I, knowing then only a handful of their songs, was somewhat shocked when I first heard "Warped" sometime in early 1996. While some critics praised the album for its new musical direction and lyrical honesty, most labeled it a dud. Fan response wasn't a whole lot better as the record was a commercial failure, despite the fact that the single "Aeroplane" was somewhat of a hit (most likely due to its being the most upbeat and "oldschool" song on the album).

The tour wasn't exactly successful either, with Kiedis, despite being sober for its duration, injuring himself several times and Navarro, perhaps not used to long tours, finding himself drained and irritable. When the tour ended the band was doing mostly nothing as poor record sales discouraged further concert dates. Kiedis used this time to enter rehab and so hardly any new material was being written. Through most of 1997 they were barely even together and Navarro was beginning to rely heavily on drugs himself. In early 1998 when they finally started rehearsing together again, Navarro's problem was pretty apparent and he was fired in April, with the other members pondering if the band was even going to stay together.

We all know that in 1999, Frusciante would rejoin them and they would release Californication which was a huge success both critically and financially and marked a comeback for the band. But the period when Navarro was a member definitely has to be considered as the band's dark years, even if it wasn't entirely his fault.


4. Ian Gellan - Black Sabbath
In 1979 when talented and charismatic frontman Ozzy Osbourne was fired from Black Sabbath, I think it's fair to say that many thought this was the end of the band. But after recruiting American singer Ronnie James Dio, formerly of Rainbow (actually on the recommendation of the woman who would later become Ozzy's wife, Sharon Arden), they recorded Heaven And Hell. The record not only proved that they could carry on without Ozzy but is also widely regarded as one of the best and most important heavy metal albums ever made. Its followup Mob Rules wasn't the smash hit its predecessor was but was still well received.

But in November of 1981, the diminutive Dio, who had become somewhat of a diva (like the alliteration?), left the group to form his own band. He took drummer Vinny Appice with him (original drummer Bill Ward had left shortly after Ozzy due to problems with alcohol). So guitarist Tony Iommi and bassist Geezer Butler found themselves in familiar territory; the future of the band looked bleak.

The original plan was to keep making music but not continue with the Black Sabbath name as I guess the two felt that anything they produced without Ozzy, Dio or Ward just wouldn't carry on its spirit. They started auditioning rock singers (including David Coverdale - can you imagine?!?) before settling on Ian Gellan, newly available after the breakup of Deep Purple.

Much like the case of Navarro, not only did Gellan's style  not mesh well with the rest of the band and its established sound, he was also catching the group at a low point in its history. Only pressure from their record label forced them to continue calling themselves Black Sabbath. So in the summer of 1982, "Black Sabbath" went into the studio to record. Bill Ward had actually rejoined the band by this point but this didn't seem to help much. In addition to Gellan's bluesy vocals not fitting in with Iommi's songwriting and playing style (nor Butler's), the production values were horrible. The reasons for this have never become clear but Gellan decided to place the blame on Butler, who co-produced the album.

Born Again received a mixed reception from both critics and fans. It was hardly a commercial failure, actually performing pretty well on the charts in both North America and the UK, but it still seemed apparent to most that Black Sabbath were on their way down. Ozzy actually praised the record but looking back now it comes across more as a shot at Dio than an actual endorsement of the music.

Ward wouldn't join the band on the following tour, falling back into addiction brought on by anxiety. Because of the presence of Gellan, the band would often include "Smoke on the Water" in their sets, which while sort of cool must also have been pretty weird. Almost as soon as the tour wrapped up, Gellan split to join Deep Purple which was reforming. He badmouthed Iommi on his way out, inferring that he was some sort of dictator.

After trying to rehearse with a new singer for awhile, it was clear to everyone that things just weren't working. In November of 1984, Butler left the band, the whole Gellan experience still leaving a sour taste. Immediately after that, Iommi put Black Sabbath on hiatus.

The next "Black Sabbath" album that was released was really just a solo album by Iommi. While its sound was an even more drastic departure from the classic Sabbath sound than "Born Again" had been, I still feel that Gellan's prior presence had kickstarted this direction and resulting disillusionment with Black Sabbath as a band. To this day whenever I hear "Zero The Hero" I can't help thinking "Is this really Black Sabbath?"

3 & 2. Every Member of Oasis Whose Last Name Wasn't Gallagher
The irony of this is, of course, that Noel Gallagher is no longer a member of Oasis, having left the band in August of 2009. Liam and the remaining members have been rehearsing and recording since then, for quite some time unsure about whether or not they would keep calling themselves Oasis. Apparently Oasis is officially over though, as back in May Liam revealed that the new band's name is Beady Eye.

Here's a quick (haha) rundown of the non-Gallagher Oasis members:

Tony McCarrol: drummer from 1991 through April 1995 - apparently fired for just not being talented enough for what Noel was writing. He would eventually sue the band and received 600,000 pounds settled out of court. Actually offered to rejoin as bassist in 1999 but was rejected.

Scott McLeod: never an official member, it seems that perhaps he could have become one after replacing the departed Paul McGuigan (bass) in September of 1995 but he abruptly left during the tour. McGuigan came back and McLeod expressed regret over his decision to leave. But by then it was too late. He can be seen in the video for "Wonderwall".

Paul Arthurs: guitarist from 1991 through 1999 - the founding member departed during the recording of Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to spend more time with his family. He was as steady a member as the band has had, usually managing to avoid clashing with the Gallaghers. He also played piano and mellotron for tracks on (What's the Story) Morning Glory? He's played with a couple other bands as well as doing some DJing since leaving Oasis.

Paul McGuigan: bassist from 1991 through 1999 - the last of the non-Gallagher founding members (it should be noted that Noel is not a founding member) left just two weeks after Arthurs. According to Liam, "Guigsy" quit the band via fax and wouldn't take any phone calls from them. It's possible that when Noel first joined the band he didn't have much confidence in McGuigan's ability as he would often play the bass parts on their early recordings. I couldn't find any information on what he's up to these days.

Alan White: drummer from 1995 through 2004 - McCarrol's replacement and generally thought of as Oasis's definitive drummer, Noel has gone on record to praise his talent. He's on their most significant albums (not counting Definitely, Maybe). He left in early 2004 during the early stages of recording the band's sixth album Don't Believe The Truth. His reasons have never been clarified beyond being "personal". Noel would say in 2008 that White had been kicked out of the band.

Zak Starkey: drummer from 2004 through 2008 - but he was never considered an official member. He actually turned down an offer from The Who, whom (funny word usage!) he played with in the nineties, to be a permanent member so that he could concentrate on his work with Oasis. Apparently sometime in 2005 he was offered the position of Oasis's official drummer but couldn't commit due to his work with The Who. As far as I can tell, he just preferred being an unofficial member of both bands to being an official member of one. He played drums on all but one of the tracks for Oasis's final album Dig Out Your Soul.

(Gem Archer and Andy Bell: guitarist and bassist respectively from 1999 through 2009 - these two were with the band until its breakup and both are in Liam's new band, Beady Eye, with Bell now playing guitar. So technically, they worked out just fine.)

1. Dave Mustaine - Metallica
Whenever I find myself thinking about Metallica, I usually spend a few moments pondering what could have been. Specifically, I wonder what the band might have been like had their first "official" lineup (read: lineup that actually wrote material that would be recorded) managed to stay together. That would be mainstays Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield, plus bassist Cliff Burton and guitarist Dave Mustaine.

Burton was with the band (and as a prominent member I might add) until his tragic death in September of 1986, having appeared on Metallica's first three albums. By this point, Mustaine was already long gone.

Mustaine joined the band in 1981 responding to an ad posted in a local newspaper by Ulrich. I think it's fair to say that from the very outset, he felt threatened by the dominating personalities of Hetfield and Ulrich. They were both very talented and very driven, and it was clear that Metallica was THEIR band. But Mustaine was talented and egocentric too. He was also...kind of a dick. In late 1982, original bassist Ron McGovney angrily quit the band, tired of his constant clashes with the volatile Mustaine.

While the hard-living lifestyle of Metallica in its early years (read: lots and lots of drinking) has been well-documented, Mustaine apparently was in a league of his own. What was worse was that he was an extremely mean and aggressive drunk. While I'm sure it's probable that his musical sensibilities were at times stifled by Hetfield and Ulrich, who had a very specific vision of what Metallica should be, there's an overwhelming amount of evidence supporting the claim that it was his excessive alcoholism and disagreeable disposition that led to his dismissal from the band in 1983, just before the recording of Kill 'Em All.  They were in New York at the time. They packed up his gear, bought him a ticket and put him on a Greyhound bound for LA.

His contributions still carried over to the album. He received co-writing credits on four of the tracks, including "The Four Horseman", which he'd originally titled "The Mechanix". Hetfield changed the lyrics and replacement guitarist Kirk Hammet changed the lead guitar part in the middle section. On Megadeath's first album (Killing Is My Business...And Business Is Good!) Mustaine included a sped up version of the original "The Mechanix" and retitled it "Mechanix".

Megadeath would of course go on to achieve a great amount of success and I'm sure you can find many metal fans out there that prefer them to Metallica. Personally I'm of the opinion that Mustaine is a superior guitarist to Kirk Hammet but that Metallica is a lot better than Megadeath. And as much as I do believe the claims that both Hetfield and Ulrich have such strong personalities that they can be difficult to work with (trying watching Some Kind of Monster sometime), history shows that Mustaine clearly had some personality issues. He actually has his own page on wikipedia detailing his MANY feuds with other people in the heavy metal community, including members of his own band.

Extremely recently, (last month) Mustaine has confirmed that his feud with Metallica is finally over, after many years of bitterness and resentment (on his part - it took him over twenty years to get over his dismissal from Metallica and he's openly admitted that he wanted Megadeath to be more successful - I doubt Ulrich and Hetfield gave him much thought, really). I guess things worked out the way they were supposed to but I'm sure that there are still moments when Mustaine, Hetfield and Ulrich find themselves wondering "what if?".

TV Shows for the Geeky

In the last few years “Geek Chic” has taken the world by storm. Now there is some seriously awesome content aimed directly at the nerdy, pale-skinned populous the world over.

Here are a few of the best television shows.

5. The IT Crowd

I’ll admit I have very little experience with The IT Crowd. I have seen a few episodes, however, and I’ll definitely go on the line and say it is completely deserving of this list.

The show follows an IT department at this huge, rather mysterious, company in the UK. Yes, this is another British office comedy, much like the insanely popular - and aptly titled - The Office.

The IT team consists of two socially awkward geeks stuffed into a tiny, messy basement that take tech calls all day from different individuals in the company. A woman interviews for a position as their boss – or at least I think that’s how it goes down – and is given the position, but is a complete luddite.

The show completely sops with inside jokes and references for the avid nerd – they even have an Axe Cop poster on their apartment wall - and is rather funny. I hope to catch some more episodes in the near future. If you chance by it on TV, definitely watch it. If not, you might even want to consider picking up the DVD sets.

4. Chuck

NBC’s Chuck is an hour long comedy-action-drama show. I know, but how else was I supposed to describe it? The show follows Chuck Bartowski, your average computer geek working at an electronics store. One day he gets an email from his old college roommate, whom was working for the CIA, and as a result a database of spy secrets is uploaded into Chuck’s brain.

A few CIA agents are dispatched to get the database back – which is called The Intersect – but realize they can’t. The data is subliminally embedded into Chuck’s brain. He can’t access the information directly, but gets flashes occasionally that the Agents can use as leads in their investigations.

This show is tailor-made for geeks all over. Our hero, his friends and co-workers are complete nerds, and the inside jokes and references are abundant. This is a great show that doesn’t take itself too seriously, is funny at all the right moments and that’s why it’s a TV cult favourite.

The show was basically cancelled after the second season, but a two-month “Save Chuck” campaign was spear-headed by fans of the show and for once someone listened. Chuck came back for a third season with a vengeance. Originally slated to only have 13 episodes, this was upped to 19, one of which was a 3D episode! The fourth season is slated to begin Fall 2010 – Mondays on NBC.

If you like geek then you’ll love you some Chuck.

3. Numb3rs

Numb3rs – I hate typing that, but it is the actual title of the show - was a very popular TV series on CBS. Despite a Friday time slot, also known as the Death Slot, the show remained on the air for six seasons before several of the actors moved on to new projects and the show was eventually cancelled.

This isn’t an inside joke, reference fest like all of the other shows mentioned, but a series that revolves around a genius mathematician solving crimes for the FBI through the use of numbers and algorithms. Yeah, that’s right.

What seems completely outlandish actually works. I mean, I have no idea if there’s even a modicum of truth to some of the things I’ve seen on the show, but it has a great, likable cast of characters, including David Krumholtz and Judd Hirsch, and is a well-written drama, action piece.

It may not include all the fanfare of the other shows on this list, but any show where an uber-geek, math nerd can kick ass and take names with the FBI well deserves to be on this list.

2. Undergrads

Ah, Undergrads. This is actually one of my favourite shows ever. It is, unfortunately, a cancelled series. Unlike the above mentioned Chuck, a petition still exists for Undergrads to return, and it’s been cancelled since 2001. In fact, it only had one season. That doesn’t take away from the greatness of that single season, though!

The series is centred around four lifelong friends as they take the next step in their young lives: college. The leader of the group, Nitz – the “normal” geek - goes off to “real college” to room with his buddy Cal – a lady-killer who might just be border-line handicapped. Their friend Rocko – the wannabe lady-killer, drunken frat boy – makes his way to community college and their resident super geek – Gimpy – goes to the local technology school.

The geeky references were endless in Undergrads. There was an amazing show focused around all-night Risk battles and there was an episode that contained a full-out war between Trekkies and Star Wars fanatics. It was a heart-warming, genuinely funny show that perfectly depicted the lives of freshmen at college.

Maybe that’s why I warmed up to it so much, because I was in this exact place in my life when the show first aired in Canada, but regardless, this is a show for anyone, but especially the geek.

The series creator, Pete Williams, has stated that MTV and Decode Entertainment – the production money behind the series – have said there is no interest in making a second season to this insanely cult appreciated show. Williams has attempted to pitch a new show entitled “We Got Issues”, which would bring back characters from Undergrads years later, but that appears to be in development hell, as well. There are serious hopes of webisodes or a comic to continue the series, but at this point it all seems like wishful thinking.

Well, I’ll just keep on wishing.

1. The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory is a half hour comedy that airs on CBS. It follows four geniuses; a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist, an astrophysicist and an aerospace engineer, that are the quintessential geeks of the Universe. Their social awkwardness and misunderstanding of the world outside their geeky little bubble is contrasted against their bubbly, beautiful neighbour of average intelligence whom aspires to be an actor.

This show is comedic gold.

It’s not often that everything comes together perfectly on a TV series, but The Big Bang Theory is a complete package. The characters of Sheldon, Raj, Howard, Leonard and Penny could not have been more perfectly cast. The writing is brilliant and drenched in a geeky marinade.

This show is, in a lot of ways, an American version of The IT Crowd, which I previously mentioned. It is not a copy of that show, however, but just a similar environment. There are copious amounts of references for the true geek. In the first season Sheldon has a white board up with mathematical problems on it. The creators of the show actually progress the equation literally and eventually developed an answer to it that is scientifically correct. (A great inversion of this commonly used trope) That’s the level of dedication here.

These are four guys that have Halo nights, go to the comic shop, eat way too much take out and wear super hero t-shirts. If you’re a geek – much like myself – and you’re not watching this show, then boy are you missing out.

Most Awesome TV Theme Songs

In the world of television a catchy and memorable opening song can be every bit as important as format, writing and characters. The purpose is to grab the viewer's attention while providing a background that is in harmony with the themes and elements of the show. Some theme songs have proved themselves so great that they've even gone on to attain a level of fame that goes beyond the show. Here are the best of the best, minions.


5. Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego?
In most realities, it would be a little strange that the theme song from a program that was, for all intents and purposes, a game show, makes this list. But here in our reality, we have Rockapella. Besides writing and performing the song's theme the band also served as the show's house band, providing music and wacky sound effects for 295 episodes from 1991-96. With their infectious, unique sound, they made even geography sound halfway interesting to kids. And, as it states on wikipedia, they were "catapulted into mid-level television celebrity status" - as mere mortals dare any of us aspire to rise any higher? By the way - Hollywood? Where in the world is the Carmen Sandiego movie starring Angelina Jolie? Come on!



4. WKRP In Cincinnati
Running from 1978 through 1982, this is a show that wrapped up before I was born and I never watched it in syndication. So I can't say exactly how I first heard the song. But I've been aware of it since I was quite young and, despite its soft-rock wussiness, have always really enjoyed it.

As a sitcom detailing the antics of the employees at a radio station, the show was nothing special. But it did have then blonde bombshell Loni Anderson. And it also had this song.



3. Perfect Strangers ("Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now")
Now here is a truly great sitcom that I did indeed watch. Thankfully, it had a truly great theme to accompany it. To me, its sound is the most iconic of its era (mid eighties) and you can hear echoes of it in themes of later shows such as Full House, Step By Step (even though it was in the nineties) and Family Matters. OK, now I've learned that they were all written by the same guys - aren't my ears amazing? But none of the later ones could get it quite right because it had already been perfected (wordplay not even intended!). Tell me your heart doesn't swell when you hear that little lick on the harmonica at the end.



2. The Littlest Hobo ("Maybe Tomorrow")
Speaking of hearts, this song definitely buries the needle on the heartwarming....monitor. Or something. It's the second version of this show, running from 1979 to 1985, that is best remembered. It's also this version that had "Maybe Tomorrow" as its theme. When I was a kid, I watched the hell out of this low-budget (shot on video), Canadian series chronicling the adventures of a nomadic wonderdog. Whether he was clearing the names of the wrongly accused, rescuing animals from a fire, returning a missing child to her parents, helping an emotionally withdrawn boy emerge from his shell, recovering stolen pearls for a betrayed sea captain, guiding people through a dangerous military training zone,  assisting an inept private eye on a case, [takes a breath] ooooorrrr bringing together a lonely widow and a bachelor, "The Hobo" was always up to the task. Having one of the best theme songs ever written backing him up couldn't have hurt.



1. The Greatest American Hero ("Believe It or Not")
While I do have a big soft spot for this show (even though it was off the air by the time I was born and I never watched it when I was young), I will admit it is still remembered to this day mostly by virtue of its magnificent and unforgettable theme song, "Believe It or Not", composed by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer and performed by Joey Scarbury. [how's that for a sentence?] But I will tell you the show was still cool besides that. It was lighthearted and optimistic while still dealing with very serious subjects. It was the sort of thing Americans (and to a certain extent, Canadians as well) really needed coming out of the depressing seventies.  The song and the costume have endured as icons and still pop up in pop culture with regularity. And that's how it should be.

MINI-LIST: Memorable Modern Commercials

I have been neglecting the TV category, so here's a quick list of memorable/favourite commercials from the last decade or so. There were certainly many ridiculously crazy and awesome commercials from the 80's and early 90's, but I will leave that list in the capable hands of someone else with a better memory than me. Instead I will focus on commercials that stick in my brain from the age of the Internet.

5. Volkswagen: Singing in the Rain

What the hell? It's an "updated" version of "Singing in the Rain" where Gene Kelly is having what seems to be a musical seizure. You like this? Actually, yes. I think it's creative and well made. But isn't it awful that they pasted a dead guy's face on to a break-dancer to make a buck? Well, I will point out that the goal of advertising is to grab your attention. I think this does. Can anything good be taken away from this raping of a classic? Yeah, it introduced me to the group 'Mint Royale' and they are pretty cool. Was that actually a real person dancing or a suit filled with electric Jell-O? Uh... real.

4. Honda: The Cog

What the hell? It's a series of car parts playing out a most elaborate Rube Goldberg Machine. Okay, is this real? Despite some doubt, apparently in 2003 two cars were torn asunder and then constructed into this domino machine that finally worked properly after many takes. How many takes are we talking about here? Several months of work and 606 takes altogether. Where can I find more amazing Rube Goldberg thingies? Well, you could check out the Mythbusters Christmas Special, or Ok Go's amazing video for "This Too Shall Pass". Any others? What am I? Google?

3. X-Box: Guns

What the hell? It's hundreds of people engaging in a huge imaginary Mexican standoff and then blasting the hell out of each other in a giant imaginary war. Was this commercial banned? Everywhere I look online it says it was banned, yet I have no idea why. There is no blood or gore of any kind. There aren't even any guns! Do you think it's because the commercial is suggesting gun violence? Probably, but let's face facts, you'd see more violent imaginary wars in any playground. So why is this so cool? Because it shows that all you need to have fun is an imagination. Why do you look so sad? If society is so uptight that they won't show an imaginary fight on TV, there's no chance I'll ever be part of one in the real world. Sigh!

2. Embrace Life

What the hell? It's one of the best PSA's, NAY, best commercials I've ever witnessed. Why does it work? Because it's simple, and makes its point beautifully. More simple and beautiful than frying an egg that represents your brain on drugs? Yes. Are you going to tell me anything else about it? No, just shut up and watch it already. Shouldn't I ask you a fifth question? Well, you just did. Congratulations.

1. Nutri-grain: Feel Great

What the hell? Yes, what the hell indeed. Yet another commercial that I'd much rather you watch than having myself feebly try and describe it. Why is it so great? Well, besides being one of the craziest commercials ever, it's also one of the funniest, and most quotable. Every time I watch it I'm left with more and more questions. Is that a good thing? Absolutely. I just want to know more about these characters and what happens next. Kelloggs made this? Probably the weirdest thing they've ever made. Does that woman freak you out? Word.

MINI-LIST: Best Announcements of E3 2010

I guess we have ourselves a tradition. Here’s – in my opinion – the best announcements of E3 2010… as a MINI-LIST!

As a side note, of my Best Announcements of E3 2009 list, only one of the games will actually see a release in 2010. Square Enix claims Final Fantasy XIV will be out this year, but I’ll believe it when I see it. That gives you an idea of how the video game industry moves. You’ll also notice that there’s only one non-Nintendo title on this list. Well, unless you’re excited by Xbox 360 and PS3 trying to imitate the Wii’s motion controls with Kinect and Playstation Move, then there wasn’t too much else to see. Sorry, Halo and Gears of War fanboys.

But yes, on with the list!

5. Donkey Kong Country Returns

What’s the big deal? It’s a new Donkey Kong Country, for God’s sake. Do we have stupid characters like Baby Kong and Cranky Old Bitty That Cuts You Off on The Highway In Her Huge Chrysler Fifth Avenue Kong? No, and what’s wrong with you, Invisible Question Man? We’re back to the roots with Diddy and Donkey! Is it 2D, sidescrolling? Oh yes, with parallel layers. Donkey and Diddy can make their way to the background or foreground whenever they need to. I guess Rare is back and better than ever? Nope, Rare still sucks. This one is being developed by Retro Studios – the guys that brought us the Metroid Prime Trilogy. Most importantly, will there be Mine Carts? Oh, you’d best believe.

4. The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Sword

Didn’t you mention this in your list last year? Yes I did. So why bring it up again? This is 2010! Last year all they had to show was a teaser poster and there wasn’t even a title. This year they have gameplay! Albeit early, under-developed gameplay, but heck, Link was swinging his sword in perfect 1:1 connection with the Wii Motion Plus! Oh, man… is it cell-shaded again? Yes, but not like Wind Waker. This is a more colourful style, and besides, Link’s all grown up… and no freakin’ boats! Please, for all that’s holy, Tingle isn’t in it, is he? It’s too early to tell, but you could probably start fashioning a noose now, just in case. Will we still be hearing about this at E3 2011? Probably.

3. Portal 2

How could Valve possibly top Portal!? Well, how about new gameplay elements like physics-changing paint that can give you super speed? Huh, what about that? Is that hilarious, and completely harmless, GLaDOS still up to no good? Oh yes, GLaDOS is back and this time there’s several of her. Those personality cores you met at the end of Portal? Well they’ve all split off and created their own identities this time around. Companion cube, companion cube, companion cube? Honestly, I didn’t see anything about our best friend ever, but they’d have to be completely brainless not to bring the Weighted Companion Cube back in a big way. Did Chell escape in the last game and do we have a new protagonist? Chell did not escape. If you’ve seen any of the updated additions to Portal on Steam then you’d know they altered the ending so that Chell is recaptured. Portal 2 is set 100 years in the future and Chell has been kept on ice. Will there be cake? Oh yes, and science.

2. Goldeneye 007

You idiot, Goldeneye came out in 1997. Are you playing tricks on us? I’m not messing with you. An all new Goldeneye 007 for the Nintendo Wii, with updated graphics, gameplay and online multiplayer! O RLY!? OMG, is Brosnan making a return!? Actually, no. This game is being remade in the new style of Bond film and featuring Daniel Craig as 007 to help it mesh with the new films. Well, Rare is at least doing something worth a damn, right? Ha, again, no. This one is being developed by Eurocom and published by Activision. I think Rare made some shitty Facebook game for Xbox 360, though. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. What about Trevelyan and Natalya? Are they making an appearance? Trevelyan has been shown, and no, before you ask, it’s not Sean Bean. As to whether we’ll have to return to Hell and cart Natalya’s ass around the Bunker or the Jungle is yet to be seen. Will we finally get an All Bonds Code? Yes, and Sasquatch will also be a playable character.

1. Nintendo 3DS

3D without glasses? Oh, please. It’s real and apparently, it’s amazing. Imagine Mario jumping off the screen at you? Well, from all accounts that’s just the kind of thing you’ll see. Isn’t this just another stupid version of the DS? No, this is a full-on successor. If you don’t recall, Nintendo used the Gameboy brand name from 1989 right up until 2005 with the release of the Gameboy Micro. This has all new graphical output – comparable to the PS2 and Wii – and will have new titles as well as backwards compatibility with the DS. Oh, and you'll be able to take 3D pictures.  Yeah, that just happened.  Are the games going to be focused on casual players, like usual with the Nintendo? I don’t think you’ve been paying attention. Nintendo is definitely focusing their efforts on the hardcore and regular gamer. Did you see more Cooking Mama this year? No. You saw Zelda, Kirby, Donkey Kong, Goldeneye and Kid Icarus, carnsarnit. To top that, some of the games that were announced for 3DS were Resident Evil Revelations, Star Fox 64 3D, Paper Mario 3D and Metal Gear Solid 3D: Snake Eater “The Naked Sample” – I know, what a title – for crying out loud. Okay, sure Nintendogs + Cats was there, but you have to give Shiggy Pop something goofy to play with. Lemme guess, I’ll have to buy all the old Nintendo classics again, won’t I? Well, if you want them in 3D, then yes. But why wouldn’t you want them in 3D, fool!? At the show Nintendo had Yoshi’s Story, Mega Man 2 and Legend of Zelda up and running, and rumor has it that they looked awesome in pop-up, 3D graphics. Other games shown in a preview demo included Castlevania, Urban Champion, Kid Icarus, Smash Ping Pong, Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros., Tennis, Metroid and Mystery of Murasame Castle. Okay, I'm sold.  Will we see this in 2010? Sadly, no. The President of Nintendo of America – Reggie Fils-Aime - announced it wouldn’t make its way out until 2011. That being said, just about every other huge announcement the Big N had this year is intended for 2010, including Goldeneye 007, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Metroid: Other M, Kirby: Epic Yarn, etc, etc, etc.

Now that’s how you do an E3, Microsoft and Sony.