The Craziest Things about the Back to the Future Trilogy

Instead of listing the best or the worst of something, I thought I would explore one of my favourite movie trilogies. I've heard people describe Back to the Future as the best movie about time travel and others call it the worst movie about time travel, and you know what? They're both right.

I can't count how many times I've watched these films, but no matter how many times I do, I always come away with something new to think about. Back to the Future is unfiltered entertainment, and the flaws and plot holes are all part of that fun. You'll enjoy yourself while watching and still have plenty of crazy inexplicable stuff to discuss afterwards. So, let's check out some of the more interesting aspects of the films to contemplate. There's a lot to say ... you've been warned.

5. Delicate Space Time Continuum, My Ass!

Over and over we hear Doc Brown rant about the space time continuum and how even the slightest change of past events could have major repercussions on the future. But the truth is that Doc doesn't really seem all that concerned.

The first big indication of that is in Part I when Doc reads Marty's note about the future. At first he tears it up claiming it's dangerous to know what will happen, and then later tapes the pieces back together and reads it because ... "what the hell". Way to stick to your guns, Emmett.

In Part II, while in 2015, Doc and Marty have to find Jennifer before she may encounter her older self ... because it may destroy the universe! I'm surprised that didn't cross Doc's mind before he ran up to two teenagers in a driveway, yelling at them like a lunatic about their non-existent kids, and whisking them away in a flying time machine in  broad daylight. Wasn't this the same guy who used to be super worried about knowing too much about your future?

Does telling Marty and Jennifer that they will get married and have kids affect the possibility of that outcome? If not, why doesn't he just give them a heads up about what will happen to their kids so they can prevent it? Wouldn't it have been easier to leave Jennifer behind? Or not tell her? Instead Doc seems to be frantic about getting them in the time machine and to the future. For someone who owns a time machine, Doc sure is in a damn hurry all the time.

4. Biff Tannen: Super Villain 

Biff Tannen has got to be one of my favourite antagonists in all of cinema. What's interesting about his character is how over the course of the trilogy we discover more and more what an evil guy he is.

Think about it. The first time we meet Biff we find that out that he's an alcoholic, a mooch, and a liar. He's treating the McFly family like shit from scene one. When Marty goes back to 1955 we see that Biff has been bullying George McFly his whole life, and he's an all around hot tempered prick. By the finale of the first film he's attempted to rape Marty's mother.

Since the first movie already took Biff from jerk to rapist, I'd say we've clearly established him as a terrible person. But there's more! In Part II when Biff's character is given unlimited money and power he basically ruins the entire town and leaves it a degenerate wasteland. He's abusive, adulterous, engages in illegal activity, and murders people! In fact we see two different versions of Biff trying to kill Marty in the same film.

But that's not all. Not only is Biff a horrible person in every sense, we discover that his descendants and ancestors are all psychos and assholes too. It's like Biff is constantly growing more and more evil to the point where it's eternal.

Since we're focusing on Biff, I really have to point out how crazy it is to see his character working for the McFly family at the end of Part I. Why exactly did George McFly decide the perfect person to hire to clean his car would be the man who once tried to rape his wife? I mean, honestly, at what point do you break ties with this fucker?

3. Tracking the Time Machine

Fact: The DeLorean is still the coolest time machine in cinema history. Don't deny it.

For fun I drew up a timeline for the trilogy depicting all the trips the DeLorean makes and who made them. Please print it out, laminate it, and carry it around for your reference. The time machine is mostly powered by plutonium or garbage for most of the trips it makes, but also powered once by train, and twice by lightning. I should note that both of those times were from the same lightning storm.

Throughout the trilogy there are 13 clear trips the DeLorean makes, however, there may be more since we don't know everything Doc Brown did while in the future before coming back to warn Marty of his future asshole kids. By my calculations, with all the trips made, the time machine passed through (or over?) 570+ years. Interestingly, the first trip is the shortest jump (1 minute forward) and the last trip is the longest jump (100 years forward).

Also, during Part II there are 4 versions of the DeLorean existing in Hill Valley 1955 all at once: 1) The one in Doc's workshop before Marty returns to 1985 via clock tower lightning. 2) The one Old Biff is using to give his younger self the Almanac. 3) The one hidden behind a billboard while Doc and Marty try to retrieve the Almanac. 4) The one buried in the mine left by Doc trapped in 1885. There are also at least 2 versions of the DeLorean in 2015, but we only see one of them.

2. Doc's Timeline: A Series of Unfortunate Events

One of my favourite things to consider when looking back on the trilogy is the individual timelines of the characters. Because we're viewing the events primarily from Marty's perspective, we might not imagine the absurd chain of events for other characters. Specifically I find Doc Brown's perspective pretty crazy. Here's how his life played out chronologically:

So Doc is living alone in Hill Valley in 1955 toiling away on failed invention after failed invention. One day he slips in the bathroom, bangs his head, and is struck with the idea for the flux capacitor, which makes time travel possible. The very same day some teenager shows up at his door claiming to be from the future travelling in a time machine built by his future self. Already that's pretty screwy.

So he spends the next many days with this kid (that he will one day become friends with) trying to find a way to power the time machine (that he will one day invent). Doc nearly kills himself climbing the clock tower during a thunderstorm trying to rig up a system to harness a lightning bolt. At the last minute he succeeds, the DeLorean is powered, and Marty disappears into the future.

A few seconds later another Marty runs up to him and frantically needs his help again. Doc now needs to go excavate another version of his time machine out of a mine in order to send Second Marty into the past to rescue his future self who is trapped in the old west. Oh yeah, and while retrieving the time machine, Doc stumbles upon his own grave.

But that's not all. Doc sends the Second Marty to 1885 and then finally gets to move on with his life. He spend the next 30 years building the time machine that he's already encountered twice. He becomes friends with Original Marty, and on the night he tests his invention for the first time, Libyans riddle him with bullets and Marty drives off with his car for a third goddamn time.

For me, I'm just tickled by the mind-bending bullshit Doc has to endure before even getting to try out his machine for the first time. We don't even get to see him take his first trip through time, which must have been a significant moment of triumph for his character. Nope. Instead we spend all our time watching him nearly get killed while helping a stranger.

1. Paradoxes Galore
Oh man, where to begin?


First of all, I would say the biggest paradox has to be the entire conflict of the first movie. Marty goes back in time to 1955, accidentally prevents his parents from meeting and then has to get them together, or else they never fall in love, never get married, never have kids, and *gasp* Marty wouldn't exist. But if we continue that chain of events, if Marty doesn't exist, then there is no Marty to travel back in time to interfere with his parents lives, and so they do meet, do fall in love, get married and have kids, and *gasp* Marty would exist. It's the ol' Grandfather Paradox where a person's actions are creating a never-ending loop of contradiction.

Despite the impossibility of interfering with his parents past, Marty does get them back together. As a result the circumstances in which George and Lorraine meet and fall in love are quite different and so when Marty returns to his life in 1985, his parents are now different people; they're healthier, happier, more confident, and successful. But why doesn't that make Marty not exist?!! Sure, the parents still end up together, but why would they have the exact same children in the exact same way? Why would they still live in the exact same house?!! Marty's siblings are different now as well, but why hasn't Marty changed in the process? Shouldn't he also have a new personality, or suddenly be flooded with memories of a different version of his childhood? For some reason everything changes except Marty. I'm not even going to delve into the fact that his parents don't seem to notice a similarity between Marty and that Calvin Klein fellow who got them together years ago.


While in 2015, when Doc and Marty are off trying to rescue Jennifer, Old Biff sneaks away with the time machine to alter his past. He gives his younger self the Almanac and when he returns to 2015 we see him doubling over in pain, the same way Marty did on stage as he began to fade from existence. Because he's changed his past Old Biff is dying, or "disappearing from existence". In a deleted scene we can actually see him collapse and fade away. The big issue I have with this is ... why doesn't the world start changing around him because of the altered history? When Doc, Marty, and Jennifer return to 1985 the world has changed and the town is a wasteland of crime. If  Biff created an alternate 1985, where is the alternate 2015?

And of course, like before, if Biff changes history and then doesn't exist in 2015, then how can he go back in time to change history? Also, in this alternate timeline we find out that Doc was committed to a mental institution. But if Doc is locked away, then he doesn't get to build a time machine and none of the events of the films would happen, including Old Biff's trip with the almanac.

Several times in the trilogy we see objects changing as the past is changed: Marty's family photo, the "You're Fired" fax paper, the picture of Doc's grave, and different newspaper articles. However, most of the time it doesn't make any sense. We see the fax fade away to a blank sheet of paper, but why wouldn't it fade away entirely? In the altered future, why would Jennifer pick up a blank piece of paper? Or when the newspaper articles change, they always change into a new article about the same person instead of, you know, some random article. And if Doc never gets shot in 1885, then there would be no grave and no reason to take a picture.

But there's more! Who the fuck actually wrote "Johnny B Goode"? Marty learned the song from Chuck Berry, and apparently Chuck Berry memorized it over the telephone as Marty played it. In the same line of thinking, where did the design for the time machine come from? Doc invented and built it, but that was after he saw the finished product and examined it. He may have come up with the flux capacitor alone, but using a DeLorean was probably the result of knowing that he ends up using a DeLorean. It's another paradox where an idea has no clear source.

In Part III Doc and Marty discover Emmett Brown's grave that clearly explains that Doc is shot and killed by 'Mad Dog' Tannen over a dispute about money. Shouldn't the discovery of this grave immediately change the past? There's are two Doc's: Young Doc in 1955, and Old Doc in 1885. If Young Doc learns about his death, shouldn't Old Doc now know about it too? Wouldn't he have the memory of finding his own grave more than 30 years ago? If I knew who was going to murder me, when, and why ... I'd probably do something to avoid it.

Ow! My brain hurts. There are still plenty more of these types of paradoxes, but I think you get the point. The trilogy is filled with plot holes and paradoxes, but I feel most of them don't become apparent until additional viewings, and even then they don't really hamper your enjoyment of the films. That fact is, these movies are hilarious and exciting, and filled with wonderful characters and a great story, even if the story doesn't make complete sense all the time. Like Doc Brown, it's best to just go with it and worry about the details later.

Post-script: Five VG Music Covers That Shouldn't Be

Like fleshy homunculi writhing in agony on a necromancer's altar, here are some renditions of game music that never should have been.

5. Bloody Tears Cannibalized by Rappers

4. Mario Theme on Deranged Cat Piano

3. Robo's Theme (Chrono Trigger) in Mario Paint

2. Metal Gear Solid 2 Theme on Kazoo and... Torso?

1. Chocobo Theme on Cockatiel

Unsurprisingly, the cockatiel is the best of the bunch, and even it is clearly ashamed.

Five VG Music Covers That Have a Life of Their Own

The Internets are flush with recordings of people stumbling through Castlevania's Bloody Tears on a keyboard in their basement, or playing the Super Mario Bros. theme on a nose-flute. But if you wade through the umpteen videos of shredding Mega Man, or the Zelda overture drummed out on Mongolian sheep bladders just for the sake of it, you can find some music which really resonates.

There are plenty of lists of the best covers of game music, but I wanted to compile my favourite examples of when a track is given new life through the replay, as it were.

5. Windwaker Unplugged (FreddeGredde)

(Original)

FreddeGredde's cover of the Windwaker theme has certainly made its (deserving) rounds on lists like this. That said, it's three and a half-million views worth of awesome. The accordion and the vocal layering really add some warmth to an already great piece of music.

4. Lufia: Curse of the Sinistrals/Estpolis - Final Battle

(Original)

Lufia 2 (SNES) was a terrific, classic-style RPG. They remade it for the DS in 2009, and the OST cranked the music up to 11. This one is kind of a cheat, since it's a proper Nintendo remake, but it can't be helped. This is an epic track, in the proper, definitive sense of the word. The drums, trumpet, and strings give it an intensity which (obviously) just couldn't be achieved on the SNES. I dare you to listen to this and not want to save the world, Lufia fan or not.

3. Chrono Cross - Dream of the Shore Near Another World (SongeLeReveur & Marcpapeghin)

(Original)

Chrono Cross (PS) had a gorgeous soundtrack which would be difficult to improve on. These guys start with Dream of the Shore, and really take it somewhere else with the new and distinctive instruments (although I have some issues with the tempo of the uke at the beginning). I think the end product sounds more at home in a Wild ARMs game, which is certainly a compliment. It takes a dreamy overworld theme and turns in into a new, almost standalone composition.

2. Final Fantasy Main Theme Remix (Hyadain)

(Original)

This was the reason why I wanted to make this list in the first place. Kenichi Maeyamada aka Hyadain, is a Japanese composer whose YouTube remixes of game music are quite unique in that he sings most of them (his rendition of Cyan's Theme and Ultros Boogie are also interesting). His remixes are skillful and fun homages to classic game music. What we have here is essentially the Final Fantasy national anthem, and I love that such a thing exists.

1. Chrono Trigger - Peaceful Days (lonlonjp)

(Original)

I just couldn't put the Hyadain track at number one, because of how much I love this. Of all lonlonjp's excellent Chrono Trigger guitar arrangements (Frog's Theme in particular), I think that this one stands out because of how perfectly suited the original track is for the solo guitar. He absolutely nails the simple beauty of the song. Fans of Chrono Trigger will be immediately lost in two minutes of nostalgic bliss, and anyone else can instantly understand why Yasunori Mitsuda named his original track “Peaceful Days.”

Shane's Favourite Movies of 2011

So, it's that time of year again. I wanted to get this list out sooner but I've been trying my to catch up on some last minute titles I thought might influence my decision. About a week after my 2010 movie list went up I saw True Grit, and I loved it so much that it would have easily been in my top 3. But, alas, the list was already posted. It's always hard to choose five when there are still others I haven't seen and want to see.

This year I found it especially difficult to make my picks. There were plenty of films I thought were good, but few I thought were really great. I might feel completely different about the order and/or choices in this list a month from now. But it's time to commit. Here we go.

5. Red State 

I heard plenty about the development and release of this film from Kevin Smith's weekly "SMODcast" last year, and I was interested in seeing a film that seemed very unlike anything else he's directed. Red State certainly is different, but you can still see Kevin Smith's crude style infused throughout this violent, low budget horror film.

What I really like about this film (besides Michael Parks' performance) is how it pulls a From Dusk Til Dawn midpoint switcheroo. It starts as a bleak horror film where some horny teens become the captives of a fanatical religious family, and then it turns into a guns blazing, action film with John Goodman. High five! It's over the top, it's ridiculously fun, and it will probably catch you off guard at least once.

4. Rango 
It's really strange how things go sometimes. When I originally saw trailers for Rango I was filled with equal parts confusion and disgust. I couldn't quite tell what the movie was trying to be, but I knew I didn't like it. Then I started reading positive reviews, some friends gave it their seal of approval, and I decided to give it a shot. Much to my surprise and delight, it was a terrific film.

I really have to applaud the work of the animation team because the visuals are stunning. Most All of the characters are as grotesque as they are weird, but witnessing the level of detail put into their design is amazing. Everything in this film looks broken-down, scarred, and filthy ... in a good way. Plus, you wouldn't think a story about a lost pet chameleon becoming the sheriff of a dehydrated animal town would make a good western, but it does. The characters are eccentric and interesting, the jokes are funny and mature, and the story unfolds with plenty of action. It's a solid film, and it reminded me to never judge a chameleon by its skin.

3. Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol 
I saw plenty of action films this year (Captain America, X-Men: First Class, Thor, Cowboys & Aliens, Adventures of Tintin, Suckerpunch, Fast Five, Green Hornet, Hanna, etc.) and this one stood out as having the most exciting, well paced action of them all. It's no surprise that the director of The Incredibles would have an idea of how to present action in a spectacular fashion. There's no downtime telling an origin story or getting lost in some boring subplot; it's just one insane assignment after another with a likable team, crazy gadgets, and unthinkable obstacles. It may not be realistic, but it is absolutely fun. For his first live action film Brad Bird delivered pure entertainment.

2. Super 8 
If you've heard anything about this movie it was probably that it shares a lot of similarities to Spielberg's movies from the 80's like E.T. and The Goonies. This is true. It's practically J.J. Abrams channeling the guy. And that's perfectly fine with me. This movie has such a good vibe to it, and I really like the kids playing the group of friends aspiring to make an awesome zombie movie; they're all very likable and fun to watch. There's a good chemistry between them and some fine performances (Elle Fanning, holy shit).

So, a group of friends witness a train wreck while working on their scary movie and suddenly there's a real monster wreaking havoc in their small town. Even as things get out of control, the kids keep working on their film and taking every opportunity to incorporate the escalating disaster into their movie. Super 8 isn't perfect (I wish the second half was more like the first half), but it wins bonus points in the nostalgia department for reminding me of the movies I watched growing up, and the comedy and monster movies my brother and I used to make with the family camcorder.


Also, it mixes a lot of things together nicely: the mystery and suspense of a monster on the loose, the humour of friends arguing over the details of making a movie, and the drama of a family dealing with tragedy. There's something everyone can like here and I recommend it highly.

1. Drive
This is a movie that seemed to get fairly polarized responses from people. It had a lot of word of mouth hype and people either loved it or thought it was overrated. It's hard to pinpoint what makes this my favourite of the year, but I suppose it's because Drive feels original. It exists somewhere between an action movie, a crime drama, and a hypnotic music video.

The story centres on an unnamed wheelman who does jobs as a getaway driver. After one heist goes bad he ends up having to take matters into his own hand to stay alive and protect those he cares about. Driver is a mysterious and cool character, though I can't decide if he's very clever or mentally unbalanced or both. In any case, Ryan Gosling gives a subtle, careful performance and I hope he does more stuff like this.

The soundtrack is one of best I've heard in a while. The opening sequence where Driver eludes the cops after a robbery is mesmerizing because the situation is stressful, but the music and lighting is calming and our protagonist is so composed. Drive has this interesting way of putting the viewer into a trance and then hitting them with a sudden moment of astonishing violence. I wouldn't say the film has a lot of violence, but the violence is ... potent, if that makes sense.

Of all the movies I saw last year, Drive is the one I want to watch again most. It's retro, it's artsy, it does something different, and I appreciate that.

So there's my list. I look forward to hearing what everyone else thought of 2011's cinematic offerings.

Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions: Part Deux

‘Tis the season, yet again and this year I decided to revisit my list from Christmas 2009 - Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions.  

When I wrote that list I’d thought I’d hit some of the weirdest Christmas traditions that I’d ever heard of, but as it turns out there’s all sorts of kooky stuff going on out there in the world!

5. KFC Christmas Dinner (Japan)

You read that right.  Nothing completes a Christmas dinner in Japan like a big ol’ bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The mid-70s in Japan were a great jumping on point for many American businesses in the land of the rising sun.  Japan was soaking in American culture at a breakneck pace, and that meant one of its greatest exports: fast food.

KFC was trying itself in Japan’s markets and would craft an unusual and incredibly beneficial foothold with Japanese fast food patrons.  Rumour has it that a Christian missionary ordered a bucket one Christmas because they couldn’t find a proper turkey to have for dinner.  Seeing an opportunity, KFC jumped on this and marketed their buckets as the perfect Christmas dinner.

Japan is not known for their Christian demographic - which is around 0.5 to 1% of the population.  They do, however, love just about any American and commercial event they can be part of, so Christmas is actually incredibly popular there.  It’s a day when the whole family can have a meal, and has been marketed as a night when the woman of the house (this is Japan, remember) doesn’t have to prepare a meal.  They can simply order KFC!

It’s so popular as Christmas dinner that you have to order your buckets a month in advance.  Yes, a month minimum.  It is completely commonplace to call in early November to order your chicken, and line-ups leaving KFCs on December 23rd, 24th and 25th snake throughout shopping districts in Japan.

In one night more than a half a months worth of chicken will be sold in KFC’s nationwide in Japan, and as much as 7000 pieces of the Colonel’s original recipe will be sold in specific locations around major cities, like Tokyo.

Colonel Sanders would be so proud.

4. Sticky Loksa (Slovakia)

This has to be one of the messiest traditions I’ve ever heard of.

In areas of Eastern Europe there is a tradition meant to bring good fortune and richer harvests in the following year.  Said tradition is to throw their dinner all over the house.

Loksa is a traditional Christmas dish served in areas of Slovakia and the Ukraine.  Made of sweetened poppy seeds, bread and water the loksa are prepared and served with the Holy Supper of Christmas, known as Stedry Vercer.  Before the meal begins, however, the man of the house (you never hear this stuff in North America anymore!) will throw loksa at the ceiling and hope for it to stick.  The more loksa that stick, the better the harvest will be in the new year, or so the story goes.  Other bread/potato-like dishes that are often thrown at the ceiling include bobalki and kutia.

Why?  Poppyseeds are considered lucky in these European countries, which goes back to Pagan beliefs that spreading poppyseeds in front of one’s door would keep evil spirits at bay, as they are so pre-occupied with picking up and counting each seed they won’t be able to enter your home at night.

That’s not all the food throwing that goes on, though.  Walnuts are commonly thrown into each corner of the room before dinner, as a blessing on the house.  Another practice is to break open the walnuts and use them to divine the next year’s fortunes.  Each quarter of the walnut represents the four seasons of the year, so if one portion is particularly big that means good fortune, but conversely if one section is blackened or shriveled it could mean bad luck in the following year.

I’m not sure why they throw the walnuts into the corners of the home as a blessing, nor why poppyseed-infused foods sticking to the ceiling are a good thing, but I do know one thing: the five-second rule better be in full effect!

3. Goat Burning (Sweden)

To begin explaining this one, we need some back story on the Yule Goat.  In Scandinavia, a goat is often connected to their Christmas traditions and is one of their major symbols for the holiday.  There are stories in Finland of an ugly goat creature that would scare children at Christmas (or Yule) demanding gifts, or of an invisible goat that would make sure that the preparations for Yule were carried out correctly.

This all stems from old Norse traditions where goats, meant to represent Odin’s goats Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjostr, were sacrificed to Odin for fortune in the new year.  The story went that Odin would slaughter his two goats, which pulled his chariot, to feed guests during the winter feasts, and would resurrect them the next day.

At the turn of the century a Father Christmas character was introduced into the Scandinavian culture, but the Yule Goat still plays a prominent role in their Christmas traditions.  In fact, Father Christmas rides a goat in most Swedish stories and a common prank carried out around Christmas is for a small goat figure to be hidden in a friend or family’s home.  When or if they find the Yule Goat, they have to attempt the same thing in another friend or family member’s home and so on and so forth.

Now comes the story of the Gävle Goat.  In 1966, a consultant, Stig Gavlen, decided to erect a massive Yule Goat made entirely from straw and wood in the Swedish city of Gävle.  The first of these massive tributes to the Yule Goat would reach as high as 43 ft and were created by Gavlen from 1966 to 1970 and then from 1986 to 2002.

Why the 16 year break?  It was due to the frustration caused by a brand new tradition of destroying the Yule Goat.

At the stroke of midnight, New Year’s 1967, the 3-tonne Yule Goat was set ablaze and burned to the ground.  As a result, those involved with the building of the goat stepped up security the next year, and the goat was kept out of harm’s way.  The very next year, however, mischievous Swedes found a way to burn that goat to the ground as well.

After another year of successfully protecting the goat, Gavlen gave up trying and for several years the Nature Science Club of Gävle created a Yule Goat, that was even bigger than the earlier iterations.  These did not fair any better, however, as almost every year after 1969 the Gävle Goat has been destroyed by any means necessary.

The goat has not only been burned to the ground on many occasions, but because of increased security there have been different methods employed.  These include: being kicked to pieces, as the goat was fireproofed, shot with flaming arrows from afar, destroyed by natural events like blizzards and on one occasion a daring Swede even rammed into the goat with their car.

There was even one famous attack that involved hackers.  Several live webcams were aimed at the goat to keep it under constant surveillance.  A group of hackers took over the webcams placing text across them that read “burn the damn goat”.  A security force was then placed on the goat, but because of incredibly cold temperatures, the security guards ducked into a nearby restaurant to warm up, which is when a hidden vandal force attacked burning the goat to the ground.

Countless volunteers have attempted to protect the goat, and on several occasions they’ve succeeded, but conversely there have been times when multiple goats were erected only to be destroyed several times in one year.

On November 27th, 2011 a new Yule Goat was placed in the city square of Gävle.  It was sprayed down with water, which created a thick layer of ice around the goat, in hopes it would be more difficult to burn.  On December 2nd, however, the goat was once again burned to the ground.  

If you want some more information about the Gävle Goat, it has a blog and a Twitter account.  Have fun.

2. Krampus (Austria)

The Krampus is a mythical creature that appears in the Christmas stories of many Alpine countries, like Austria, Bavaria and Tyrol.

The Krampus is a cloven, horned beast that plays foil to St. Nicholas.  The story goes that when St. Nick would be out bringing good little children toys and goodies, that the Krampus would be trolling about for bad children.  When he came across one, he’d stuff them into his sack and then take them back to his lair to eat for Christmas dinner.

Krampus goes by many names, including Knecht Ruprecht, Certa, Perchten, Black Peter, Schmutzli, Pelznickel, and Klaubauf.  He is almost always depicted as a Hellbound, devil-like creature, but some times is depicted as a man in a black suit or a creature attempting to hide as a man.  

One can easily see where the Krampus comes from, as St. Nicholas is often depicted as an old man with a long, white beard, much like many depictions of God, and the Krampus itself very much depicts the Devil.  The history of Krampusnacht (Krampus Night) itself, however, holds ties in mummering, which I explained in my last Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions list.  

On Krampusnacht, celebrated on the eve of St. Nicholas Day (December 5th), revellers will dress as the Krampus or witches and parade through the city, scaring children with chains and their grisly attire.  This practice is not only popular in Austria, but is slowly being adopted into areas like Northern Italy and even the United States.

There was a time when Santa Claus was not only a giver of gifts to the good, but a punisher of wrong-doers.  In this day and age when children are allowed to have gifts at Christmas, even when they’ve been naughty, there are many adopting Krampus traditions in a way to bring the fear back to Christmas.

No.  I’m dead serious.

1. Rotten Auk Feast (Greenland)

Think of Christmas dinner in your home.  The turkey with all the fixings, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy; the works.

Now go to Greenland for Christmas.  You’ll get to experience a whole new Christmas bird: the auk.  The auk is a small, penguin-like bird that lives on the open sea surrounding Greenland. There a very popular Christmas dish is made from the auk known as kiviak.  It’s not baked to a delicious brown in your oven, though.  No.  The entire dead bird is wrapped in seal skin and left under a rock for a few months.  It’s then removed at Christmas time, the rotten organs and innerds removed and then the skin is eaten as a delicious Christmas treat.

I kid you not.

Around 500 of the birds are placed in a single seal skin.  The process was developed by the Inuit culture in the Greenlandic area, and it caries forward as a tradition to this day.  Much like turkey dinner, it isn’t only enjoyed at Christmas, but also as a feast during weddings and birthdays, but is the common Christmas treat in the area.

Many fish dishes are fermented in similar fashions throughout Asia, and several liquors are created from the process.  The guts removed from the auk in making the kiviak is, however, incredibly toxic and is often simply pushed out through the removed head of the bird, once the seal skin is dug up.

It is described as smelling and tasting like a strong cheese called Stilton and is considered a delicacy in the area.

I can’t imagine when I would think it was a good idea to bury a dead bird under a stone for several months and then risk toxic poison to enjoy the fermented skin, however, to each their own.

Merry Christmas!