Weird Christmas Traditions Returns

Every time I decide to write one of these lists I’m shocked that I can dredge up even more tales of odd and wonderful Christmastime traditions, but here we are again and I’ve amassed five more of the weirdest Yuletide customs from around the globe.

Don’t forget to check out Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions and Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions: Part Deux!

5. Pictures with Santa… and High-Powered Firearms (USA)

In Scottsdale, Arizona hundreds of people from around the community flock to the Scottsdale Gun Club to get a wonderful, traditional photo with Santa. The big man in red isn’t so much the focus of the photos, though. No, it’s probably the $80,000 Garwood mini-gun that the club has setup in the background. This bad boy would make Arnie proud.

At $10 a pop, you and your family can be fitted with your choice of machine guns, pistols, rifles, and racks upon racks of belt ammunition. Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking, “But, what I really wanted was a picture of Santa with a grenade launcher. Christmas is ruined.” Fear not! Grenade launchers are also available at the club. You can even go classic and get a picture with a good ol’ AK-47.

Described by the club as “… fun from those who support the second amendment and those who don’t”, they state that, “Whether you’re a gun advocate or not, you should have a lot of fun with it.” And who wouldn’t!

I don’t think anything properly expresses the true holiday spirit like a rosy-cheeked child holding a high-powered boomstick, draped in ammo like Rambo.

4. Family Saunas (Estonia)

How many times have you been sitting in a nice steamy sauna, the woes of your day evaporating slowly from your muscles, and thought to yourself, “I really wish I had my family here to enjoy this with.” Well in Estonia, your dreams can be answered.

Estonia has an interesting dichotomy to their Christmas traditions. A blend of Pagan and Christian events are observed. There’s mysticism, spirituality, and Christian themes at play, but everything looks like a very traditional Christmas you’d see anywhere in North America.

The party starts on December 21^st for Estonians with St. Thomas’ Day and runs right until the Epiphany on January 6^th. In some areas it is stretched out one extra day, until St. Canute’s Day on the 7^th. The Christmas Holidays, specifically, are celebrated from December 24^th to the 27^th.

Known as jõulud, the celebrations have as much to do with the Winter Solstice, and the impending cold and dark, as they do with the birth of Christ. On Christmas Eve many interesting traditions are kept, including fortune telling, but there was one in particular that caught my eye.

After preparing the traditional jõulud feast, and before church services are held, all the Estonian families will find a nice sauna to spend the afternoon together in. How does that all go down? Well first everyone gets naked, bathes, lathers themselves up in honey, and then wile away the afternoon, whipping one another with birch twigs to really massage and clear your skin.

I love spending time with my family around the holidays, I really do, but I don’t want to get naked with them and practice S&M right before church.

3. Danny and his Grandmother’s Cookies (South Africa)

You might think that from a geographical standpoint that South Africa wouldn’t really practice Christmas traditions, but being that it was mostly populated by European colonies, the customs found a home there. From what I can tell, in fact, Christmas is pretty traditional in South Africa. But, like good ol’ Krampus, there’s nothing like a story of absolute terror to keep those kiddies in line.

During the seemingly normal Christmas festivities, families will gather up all of their children on Christmas Eve, to tell the story of a young boy named Danny. You see Danny lived with his Grandmother and in preparing for Christmas and Santa, she had baked a batch of delicious cookies for the jolly old elf. Those cookies were so tempting that Danny couldn’t contain himself, and he ate the whole batch.

So what did Grandma do? Did she tell Santa and have Danny’s presents turned to coal? Nope. Did she scold him for what he’d done and make him bake a fresh batch for the Claus? Wrong again.

No, in a fit of rage she brutally murdered her grandson. Now, his ghost haunts South Africa during the Christmas holidays, reminding young children that they need to be good, practice patience, and not be greedy or their grandparents will take their lives away from them.

2. Las Parrandas de Remedios (Cuba)

Cuba has a pretty interesting history with Christmas. For 30 years it was outlawed by Castro after he declared the government atheist in 1969, and it was only in 1998, prompted by a visit to Havana from Pope Jean Paul II, that Cubans were allowed to practice the traditions of Christmas once again.

One of the more elaborate events in their Christmas celebrations is Parrandas, which is essentially a huge carnival. The most famous Parrandas celebrations happen in the city of Remedios, where Parrandas was first conceived.

The story goes that a priest, Father Francisco Vigil de Quiñones, wanted the townspeople of Remedios to come to midnight masses during the week leading up to Christmas. In order to keep people from going to sleep Father Francisco would send the altar boys from his parish out with pots and pans, which they would bang while singing at the top of their lungs. Eventually this turned into a kind of street party and that tradition has remained until this very day.

Today’s Parrandas is a far cry from the street parties of 200 years ago. There are several events that take place during the carnival, which begins at 10:00PM. The first is rumba dancing with fireworks known as palenques. These fireworks are meant to be completely soundless in their launch, but burst over the crowds of dancers, surprising and scaring them as they dance in the streets below.

In the second event, massive floats are pulled into the city’s plaza, each created and decorated by different cities surrounding Remedios. The floats are decorated in your usual lighting and colours, but also each float has actors who are meant to signify the theme for the year, and a story which is read aloud as their floats make their way to the plaza. There’s one caveat: the individuals on these floats are not allowed to move in any way as the float is moving some 40m. It is considered a “demerit” to the district if the actors move on their floats.

The final piece is a row of 20,000 rockets, which span up to 4 city blocks, and that are lit off and explode in the sky in a volley of fireworks. After the rockets, mortars are launched (for good measure), which are meant to be the exact opposite of the palenques set off at the beginning of the carnival; they are loud and canon-like to announce the end of the festivities.

1. A Christmas of Fear (Iceland)

For most of the the Americas Christmas is a time of warm hearths, music, family, and all those gumdrop dreamin’ kids, but I’ve also found another prevailing element to Christmas outside of North America: fear.

I’ve already visited the Krampus in my previous list, so you know this sort of thing exists, but Austrians have it easy compared to Icelanders, who have to deal with a broad menagerie of monsters trying to eat them at Christmastime.

First there’s the Yule Cat, or Jólakötturinn. A massive, man-eating beast, the Yule Cat is said to prowl on - get this - those who have not received new clothes to wear before Christmas Eve. In what has to be one of the most direct examples of fear being used to drive the masses, wealthy farm owners used to give clothes to the workers who finished their Autumn wool preparations. In order to make sure they worked fast enough, they came up with the Yule Cat and the story that if they didn’t finish by Christmas Eve they’d be devoured by a monstrous beast.

Over time the Yule Cat was enveloped by Icelandic folklore and became the pet of the Giantess Grýla, a gruesome witch who lives in the mountains of Iceland. Once a year Grýla descends from her lofty perch and using her innate ability to detect misbehaving children, she captures bad kids all over Iceland, brings them back to her cave, and makes them into her favourite dish: a nice hot stew.

If that wasn’t enough, Grýla managed to entrap a few husbands along the way. With her third husband, Leppalúði, Grýla birthed a brood of child-eating troublemakers known as the Yule Lads, or Jólasveinarnir. The Icelandic version of Santa Claus, for all intents and purposes, the Yule Lads or usually portrayed as pranksters that cause all kinds of havoc in the countryside. There are thirteen Lads in total, and in many ways remind me of Snow White’s dwarves. Their names describe each of the Yule Lads’ specific traits; there’s Sheep-Cote Clod who likes to torment sheep and sheepherders, Bowl-Licker who, well… lick bowls, Sausage-Swiper who steals sausages, and Stubby… you get the idea.

Although there seems to be a lot of fear-laden tradition here, there is some good. The Yule Lads, for all their mischievery, also reward good children. If a child has been good all year and places their shoes outside their window-sills on the thirteen nights before Christmas Eve, they may receive a present from one of the Lads. If they were bad, though, they might receive a rotting potato! You know, if they don’t eat those children instead.

MINI-LIST: The Best Adaptations of "A Christmas Carol"

The holidays are all up in your grill and so it's time to whip out another Christmas themed list. This year let's talk about A Christmas Carol: Charles Dickens' story of redemption and enlightening holiday ghosts. It's a story you know like the back of your hand, it's been adapted hundreds of times, and it just wouldn't feel like a proper Christmas without enjoying this classic. So here are the most entertaining ones you should see.

5) A Christmas Carol (2009)

Who's the Scrooge this time? It's ol' rubberface himself, Jim Carrey. He even provides the performances for the three spirits who visit Ebenezer in the night. Talk about saving time on casting roles.
Doesn't this seem a lot like The Polar Express? Yes, it's another 3D motion capture Christmas themed movie directed by Robert Zemeckis where the main actor plays multiple roles.
And you enjoyed that? Yes, actually. Despite the generally unappealing 3D and CG motion capture filmmaking choices, this movie turned out to be quite good and was an entertaining theatre experience. It actually managed to feel new.
What's so special about this adaptation? It's one of the most thorough adaptations of the novel I can think of, and it didn't shy away from dark and grotesque elements in the story. It has scenes that would terrify young children. Corpses, creepy spirits, haunting visions of death and decay. Actually in 3D, it kind of freaked me out.
So does this mean you want Zemeckis to make more movies like this? Oh God, no. I really hope his mo-cap days are behind him because animation really needs to be left to the animators.

4) Scrooge (1951)

Who's the Scrooge this time? It's Alastair Sim, who I imagine didn't need a lot of work to look the part for this movie.
Who? Even though he was in dozens of films, you're not likely to know him from anything besides this movie. It was his biggest lead role, which he even revisited in 1971 to provide the voice of Ebenezer in an animated version.
What's so special about this adaptation? Being one of the earliest and best of the film adaptations, this version has been around long enough that everyone knows it. It's one of the versions that always seems to be on TV this time of year (In fact, as I write this on Christmas Eve, it has appeared on television twice already). It's a straightforward telling of the tale with no gimmicks, great performances all around, and continues to stand the test of time.
What if I can't handle watching movies in black and white? First of all, grow up. Second, there's a colourized version that looks pretty good.
Do you have a favourite scene? Yep, it's when Scrooge wakes on Christmas morning filled with the spirit of love and generosity, accosts his housekeeper on the stairs, all the while giggling and barely able to contain his excitement. Nothing spikes the adrenaline like a visit from the dead, and Alastair truly plays the part like a raving lunatic of joy. Then when he shows up at his nephew's home asking for forgiveness, you can't help but smile to see him welcomed with open arms and begin dancing with them.

3) Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983)

Who's the Scrooge this time? You're not going to believe it, but they used Scrooge to play Scrooge. I'm sure it was a tough decision with all the characters in the Disney pantheon to choose from, but after countless meetings and arguments they went with the most daring choice.
Wait ... wasn't the character "Scrooge McDuck" created for this adaptation? No, he was actually created way back in the 1940's for a comic book. So, like some snake devouring it's own tail, you have a fictional character being used to depict the fictional character that they were inspired by and named after. That would be like doing an animated version of Bram Stoker's Dracula for television and then using Count Chocula to be Dracula. It's fucking weird when you think about it.
What's so special about this adaptation? Well, it packs the entire story into a mere 26 minutes of animated excellence.
Only 26 minutes?! I know it felt longer as a kid, but that's the illusion of commercials for you. And yet it tells the story completely, with every important scene and character. Not a wasted frame.
Any favourite ghost? It's gotta be Goofy as Jacob Marley. I'm pretty sure Dickens intended for the tortured spirit that first confronts Ebenezer Scrooge to perform a little slapstick.

2) Scrooged (1988)

Who's the Scrooge this time? The always delightful Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a selfish asshole and TV executive who hates Christmas, and everything else. Guess what happens.
Wait, so there's no Ebenezer? Nope. But Frank's journey is essentially the same and happens parallel to a classic production of A Christmas Carol that Frank's station is airing live on Christmas Eve.
What's so special about this adaptation? This is easily the most fantastic modern take on the Dickens' story. Taking place in 80's New York, all the components of the original are there but as wildly different forms. Instead of Bob Cratchit, you have Bobcat Goldthwait with a shotgun. Instead of the apparition of Jacob Marley, you have a rotting corpse hanging Frank out a skyscraper window. Instead of a grim reaper, you have a cloaked monster with a television for a face.
Which ghost was your favourite? Definitely the ghost of Christmas Present played by Carol Kane. She is such a cheery, abusive psycho. First thing she does upon meeting Frank is hover across the room and kick him in the nuts. He threatens to rip her goddamn wings off. And the scene where she uppercuts him in the face with a toaster? Priceless.
So does Frank learn the error of his ways, and welcome the generous spirit of Christmas into his heart? Of course! While always an entertaining journey along the way, the real magic of A Christmas Carol is watching Ebenezer being reborn as a new man on Christmas morning. I'm particularly fond of the ending for Scrooged because watching Bill Murray burst out of an elevator screaming, taking the live Christmas Carol performance hostage, and ranting wildly into the camera until he's in tears, is just great. I love how it feels like the ending was improvised, so it's like the actual movie you're watching is breaking down just as the show within the show is being derailed. If you haven't seen this movie, definitely check it out.

1) The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Disney again? That's right, Disney again. Talk about a company that has an obsession with old men in nightgowns. I'm pretty sure they will release some version of A Christmas Carol once a decade until the sun explodes.

Who's the Scrooge this time? Our personal lord and saviour, Michael Caine. If you don't enjoy him in this role, then there is something wrong with you. You will believe in his performance as the cold-hearted Scrooge, fear for him in his darkest moments, and share in his joy at the dawn of a new day. And when he weeps at love lost, you will cry along with him. It's like gravity; you don't have a choice, so don't fight it.
What's so special about this adaptation? Besides the obvious addition of Muppets, this Christmas Carol is a musical. A damn good one, too. The songs are memorable and serve the story well. This should come as no surprise since they were written by Paul Williams, who wrote songs like "Rainbow Connection"? Plus, having Gonzo and Rizzo narrating the story and getting caught up in the adventure is entertaining stuff.
Sounds good, but what about Tiny Tim? How tiny is he in this version?  The tiniest you're likely to ever see. By using Robin the Frog, the audience will feel extra sympathy because he's tiny, sick, poor, AND a frog. Talk about having the deck stacked against you. What's next? Having Tiny Tim fall into a fire when his crutch breaks, just as he's announcing he donated his last good sock to a crippled mouse?
It all sounds interesting, but why is this the best? It takes a lot of talent and creativity to use puppets alongside real actors and make the audience care about them, especially when you're building upon source material so famous. This movie blends music, humour, beautifully designed sets and sequences, charming characters, and never loses sight of the important messages in Dickens' wonderful story. All the highs and lows are there, and the muppets fit in perfectly along the way. If you can only choose one adaptation to watch this Christmas, you really can't go wrong with this one.

Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions: Part Deux

‘Tis the season, yet again and this year I decided to revisit my list from Christmas 2009 - Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions.  

When I wrote that list I’d thought I’d hit some of the weirdest Christmas traditions that I’d ever heard of, but as it turns out there’s all sorts of kooky stuff going on out there in the world!

5. KFC Christmas Dinner (Japan)

You read that right.  Nothing completes a Christmas dinner in Japan like a big ol’ bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The mid-70s in Japan were a great jumping on point for many American businesses in the land of the rising sun.  Japan was soaking in American culture at a breakneck pace, and that meant one of its greatest exports: fast food.

KFC was trying itself in Japan’s markets and would craft an unusual and incredibly beneficial foothold with Japanese fast food patrons.  Rumour has it that a Christian missionary ordered a bucket one Christmas because they couldn’t find a proper turkey to have for dinner.  Seeing an opportunity, KFC jumped on this and marketed their buckets as the perfect Christmas dinner.

Japan is not known for their Christian demographic - which is around 0.5 to 1% of the population.  They do, however, love just about any American and commercial event they can be part of, so Christmas is actually incredibly popular there.  It’s a day when the whole family can have a meal, and has been marketed as a night when the woman of the house (this is Japan, remember) doesn’t have to prepare a meal.  They can simply order KFC!

It’s so popular as Christmas dinner that you have to order your buckets a month in advance.  Yes, a month minimum.  It is completely commonplace to call in early November to order your chicken, and line-ups leaving KFCs on December 23rd, 24th and 25th snake throughout shopping districts in Japan.

In one night more than a half a months worth of chicken will be sold in KFC’s nationwide in Japan, and as much as 7000 pieces of the Colonel’s original recipe will be sold in specific locations around major cities, like Tokyo.

Colonel Sanders would be so proud.

4. Sticky Loksa (Slovakia)

This has to be one of the messiest traditions I’ve ever heard of.

In areas of Eastern Europe there is a tradition meant to bring good fortune and richer harvests in the following year.  Said tradition is to throw their dinner all over the house.

Loksa is a traditional Christmas dish served in areas of Slovakia and the Ukraine.  Made of sweetened poppy seeds, bread and water the loksa are prepared and served with the Holy Supper of Christmas, known as Stedry Vercer.  Before the meal begins, however, the man of the house (you never hear this stuff in North America anymore!) will throw loksa at the ceiling and hope for it to stick.  The more loksa that stick, the better the harvest will be in the new year, or so the story goes.  Other bread/potato-like dishes that are often thrown at the ceiling include bobalki and kutia.

Why?  Poppyseeds are considered lucky in these European countries, which goes back to Pagan beliefs that spreading poppyseeds in front of one’s door would keep evil spirits at bay, as they are so pre-occupied with picking up and counting each seed they won’t be able to enter your home at night.

That’s not all the food throwing that goes on, though.  Walnuts are commonly thrown into each corner of the room before dinner, as a blessing on the house.  Another practice is to break open the walnuts and use them to divine the next year’s fortunes.  Each quarter of the walnut represents the four seasons of the year, so if one portion is particularly big that means good fortune, but conversely if one section is blackened or shriveled it could mean bad luck in the following year.

I’m not sure why they throw the walnuts into the corners of the home as a blessing, nor why poppyseed-infused foods sticking to the ceiling are a good thing, but I do know one thing: the five-second rule better be in full effect!

3. Goat Burning (Sweden)

To begin explaining this one, we need some back story on the Yule Goat.  In Scandinavia, a goat is often connected to their Christmas traditions and is one of their major symbols for the holiday.  There are stories in Finland of an ugly goat creature that would scare children at Christmas (or Yule) demanding gifts, or of an invisible goat that would make sure that the preparations for Yule were carried out correctly.

This all stems from old Norse traditions where goats, meant to represent Odin’s goats Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjostr, were sacrificed to Odin for fortune in the new year.  The story went that Odin would slaughter his two goats, which pulled his chariot, to feed guests during the winter feasts, and would resurrect them the next day.

At the turn of the century a Father Christmas character was introduced into the Scandinavian culture, but the Yule Goat still plays a prominent role in their Christmas traditions.  In fact, Father Christmas rides a goat in most Swedish stories and a common prank carried out around Christmas is for a small goat figure to be hidden in a friend or family’s home.  When or if they find the Yule Goat, they have to attempt the same thing in another friend or family member’s home and so on and so forth.

Now comes the story of the Gävle Goat.  In 1966, a consultant, Stig Gavlen, decided to erect a massive Yule Goat made entirely from straw and wood in the Swedish city of Gävle.  The first of these massive tributes to the Yule Goat would reach as high as 43 ft and were created by Gavlen from 1966 to 1970 and then from 1986 to 2002.

Why the 16 year break?  It was due to the frustration caused by a brand new tradition of destroying the Yule Goat.

At the stroke of midnight, New Year’s 1967, the 3-tonne Yule Goat was set ablaze and burned to the ground.  As a result, those involved with the building of the goat stepped up security the next year, and the goat was kept out of harm’s way.  The very next year, however, mischievous Swedes found a way to burn that goat to the ground as well.

After another year of successfully protecting the goat, Gavlen gave up trying and for several years the Nature Science Club of Gävle created a Yule Goat, that was even bigger than the earlier iterations.  These did not fair any better, however, as almost every year after 1969 the Gävle Goat has been destroyed by any means necessary.

The goat has not only been burned to the ground on many occasions, but because of increased security there have been different methods employed.  These include: being kicked to pieces, as the goat was fireproofed, shot with flaming arrows from afar, destroyed by natural events like blizzards and on one occasion a daring Swede even rammed into the goat with their car.

There was even one famous attack that involved hackers.  Several live webcams were aimed at the goat to keep it under constant surveillance.  A group of hackers took over the webcams placing text across them that read “burn the damn goat”.  A security force was then placed on the goat, but because of incredibly cold temperatures, the security guards ducked into a nearby restaurant to warm up, which is when a hidden vandal force attacked burning the goat to the ground.

Countless volunteers have attempted to protect the goat, and on several occasions they’ve succeeded, but conversely there have been times when multiple goats were erected only to be destroyed several times in one year.

On November 27th, 2011 a new Yule Goat was placed in the city square of Gävle.  It was sprayed down with water, which created a thick layer of ice around the goat, in hopes it would be more difficult to burn.  On December 2nd, however, the goat was once again burned to the ground.  

If you want some more information about the Gävle Goat, it has a blog and a Twitter account.  Have fun.

2. Krampus (Austria)

The Krampus is a mythical creature that appears in the Christmas stories of many Alpine countries, like Austria, Bavaria and Tyrol.

The Krampus is a cloven, horned beast that plays foil to St. Nicholas.  The story goes that when St. Nick would be out bringing good little children toys and goodies, that the Krampus would be trolling about for bad children.  When he came across one, he’d stuff them into his sack and then take them back to his lair to eat for Christmas dinner.

Krampus goes by many names, including Knecht Ruprecht, Certa, Perchten, Black Peter, Schmutzli, Pelznickel, and Klaubauf.  He is almost always depicted as a Hellbound, devil-like creature, but some times is depicted as a man in a black suit or a creature attempting to hide as a man.  

One can easily see where the Krampus comes from, as St. Nicholas is often depicted as an old man with a long, white beard, much like many depictions of God, and the Krampus itself very much depicts the Devil.  The history of Krampusnacht (Krampus Night) itself, however, holds ties in mummering, which I explained in my last Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions list.  

On Krampusnacht, celebrated on the eve of St. Nicholas Day (December 5th), revellers will dress as the Krampus or witches and parade through the city, scaring children with chains and their grisly attire.  This practice is not only popular in Austria, but is slowly being adopted into areas like Northern Italy and even the United States.

There was a time when Santa Claus was not only a giver of gifts to the good, but a punisher of wrong-doers.  In this day and age when children are allowed to have gifts at Christmas, even when they’ve been naughty, there are many adopting Krampus traditions in a way to bring the fear back to Christmas.

No.  I’m dead serious.

1. Rotten Auk Feast (Greenland)

Think of Christmas dinner in your home.  The turkey with all the fixings, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy; the works.

Now go to Greenland for Christmas.  You’ll get to experience a whole new Christmas bird: the auk.  The auk is a small, penguin-like bird that lives on the open sea surrounding Greenland. There a very popular Christmas dish is made from the auk known as kiviak.  It’s not baked to a delicious brown in your oven, though.  No.  The entire dead bird is wrapped in seal skin and left under a rock for a few months.  It’s then removed at Christmas time, the rotten organs and innerds removed and then the skin is eaten as a delicious Christmas treat.

I kid you not.

Around 500 of the birds are placed in a single seal skin.  The process was developed by the Inuit culture in the Greenlandic area, and it caries forward as a tradition to this day.  Much like turkey dinner, it isn’t only enjoyed at Christmas, but also as a feast during weddings and birthdays, but is the common Christmas treat in the area.

Many fish dishes are fermented in similar fashions throughout Asia, and several liquors are created from the process.  The guts removed from the auk in making the kiviak is, however, incredibly toxic and is often simply pushed out through the removed head of the bird, once the seal skin is dug up.

It is described as smelling and tasting like a strong cheese called Stilton and is considered a delicacy in the area.

I can’t imagine when I would think it was a good idea to bury a dead bird under a stone for several months and then risk toxic poison to enjoy the fermented skin, however, to each their own.

Merry Christmas!

Evil Santas

December is upon us, and it just wouldn't feel like the holidays without writing a Christmas list. This year I'm focusing on the bearded obese man that so many of us worshiped growing up in the hopes of acquiring merchandise. While most Santas that we see at the mall or in Coca-Cola commercials are joyous and giving, this list will be about some malevolent incarnations of Kris Kringle.

It seems weird to take an iconic figure of peace and goodwill and turn him into a deadly villain, but it's happened more times than you'd think. I guess there's just something naturally entertaining about turning a character into the polar (*snicker*) opposite of what you'd expect.  If you're wondering why Jack Skellington's turn as Sandy Claws from Nightmare Before Christmas didn't make the list, it's because even though he was a terrible Santa Claus and nearly ruined Christmas entirely, he had good intentions from the beginning and wasn't out to hurt anybody. Without further ado, here are five depictions of Santa Claus as a totally evil bastard.

5. Bad Santa (2003)
To kick off the list we have Billy Bob Thornton playing a con man who works at different malls as their Santa Claus to eventually rob them. It took me awhile to get around to watching this movie despite the almost cult following it has as being one of the funniest holiday movies. I enjoyed it and had some good laughs, but mostly I found Billy Bob's character frustratingly terrible. Maybe that's the point, but let's get to what matters here:

HOW EVIL IS HE? Well, he's more of an asshole than evil, but I feel he has so many despicable qualities that they result in a truly horrible Santa Claus. Let's see ... he's an alcoholic, he's a criminal, he's profane, he's sleazy, he's disgusting, he hurts people, takes advantage of people, and does all of these things in front of children. He even beats up some kids at one point.

Plus, just appearance wise, how shitty is he as Santa? With his baggy, stained Santa suit hanging off his sickly frame, disheveled fake beard over his scraggly real beard, and piss-soaked pants. How he ever pulled off any crime with this ruse is beyond me. He is the definition of failure and just an awful human being.

4. Futurama's Robot Santa
Originally I wanted this list to only cover evil Santas from movies, but this recurring character from "Futurama" was deserving enough to make the cut. Robot Santa was built by The Friendly Robot Company to evaluate how nice or naughty people were to sort presents accordingly. Sadly, a programming error resulted in his standards being set too high, and now everyone is deemed naughty in his eyes. So on Christmas Eve, Robot Santa flies to earth and punishes the naughty with Christmas-themed murder.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Pretty damn evil. Robot Santa lives at the North Pole on Neptune in his Death Fortress. He's known for chopping off people's heads and stuffing their neck holes with toys. Don't know about you, but that sounds messed up to me.

3. Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)
For the price of one movie you get two evil Santa's. The film starts with a young boy, Billy, witnessing his parents being murdered by a crazed criminal in a Santa suit. Billy then grows up in an orphanage under the strict watch of nuns. Then as a teenager he gets a job as a stock boy in a toy shop, is forced to play the part of Santa for the Christmas season and ... well ... snaps.

HOW EVIL IS HE? As evil as an axe murderer who goes on a killing spree on Christmas Eve. Well, he also kills people with bow and arrows, x-mas lights, antlers, and other stuff, but mostly he wanders around with an axe. Billy is a psychologically scarred individual who has a mental breakdown over his traumatic memories of Santa Claus and ends up taking on the role of a vengeful Santa out to punish those who are "naughty".

Something I find interesting about Silent Night is how upset it made people: TV ads for the movie were pulled off the air for the depiction of Santa as a killer, Siskel and Ebert had a particular hatred for the film, and angry parents picketed outside theatres until it was pulled after only two weeks. The film remained stored away for another year before it got released on video. It could have been a bigger success since it opened the same week as Nightmare on Elm Street and was out-grossing Freddy until protests ruined all the fun. This film was a pioneer of the Evil Santa genre, and I suppose the concept of a killer St. Nick was just too evil for the public to handle at the time.

2. Santa's Slay (2005)
This movie tells the tale of the devil's son who lost a bet to an angel and was forced to become Santa Claus for 1000 years. And now, having fulfilled his commitment to the wager, Santa goes back to his evil ways and goes on a killing rampage through a small town.

When I first approached this movie, I was bracing myself for a very painful viewing experience. I mean, we're talking about Goldberg, the wrestler, playing Santa Claus in a horror film. But I'll be damned if I wasn't completely entertained. Yes, the acting is bad. Yes, the sets and props are visibly cheap. Yes, the premise is stupid as hell. However, you show me Santa Claus kicking a dog into a ceiling fan or running an old woman off the road with his bison-pulled sleigh, and I'll show you a guy who's having some holiday fun.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Well, besides doing the stuff I just mentioned, Santa racks up a considerable body count with some creative kills while spouting corny one-liners. He obliterates a family of six in about two minutes and later wreaks havoc at a strip bar.

As ridiculous as it is, I can't recommend this movie enough. It embraces the stupidity of it all, and manages to be funny and entertaining. With a running time of about an hour and fifteen minutes, you can't afford NOT to watch this with friends and laugh your balls off.

1. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
Okay, so we've seen Santa so far as an alcoholic douchebag, a deadly robot from space, a schizophrenic serial killer, and the son of the devil. Where do we go from here?

Finland.

Deep under the mountain of Korvatunturi an archaeological dig unearths the hidden tomb of Santa Claus - a supernatural being that would kidnap and punish bad children. The movie, set in a remote community near the mountain, follows the story of one family and their neighbours as they discover the truth behind the myth of Santa Claus.

HOW EVIL IS HE?  Like many of the other entries in the list, Santa's goal is punishing the naughty instead of rewarding good children. We don't really know how he's "punishing" children, and we don't really understand what he is, but that just adds to the unsettling quality of a silent, frail old man with an ominous look about him. Something between a mythological creature and demon, this Santa is easily the most sinister and frightening I've come across.

The film itself is a mix of comedy, horror, and fantasy, but it captures some moments of intense suspense and dread. Sometimes it's laughably ridiculous, sometimes it's deadly serious, and I really enjoyed the careful film-making employed to balance the two extremes. I can't go into much detail here without spoiling some of the surprises the film has to offer, but I'll say that it creates an exceptional evil Santa using a "less is more" approach and it's worth your time to check out.

Merry Christmas! I hope you've been good this year. Or else!

Best Comedy Christmas Songs

Sure, Christmas songs get us in the holiday spirit, but Comedy Christmas songs achieve the same thing while entertaining us on another level. For that reason, I decided to compile this list. May you be filled with yuletide laughter.

5. 12 Days of Christmas - Foster Brooks

For nearly 50 years the irreplaceable Foster Brooks entertained the world, and made his mark in comedy with his hilarious lovable drunk persona. If you're not familiar with Mr. Brooks, I would recommend a quick youtube search and you'll be laughing all day. Though he was mostly known for his various television appearances, his take on this classic Christmas carol is pure genius. It starts a little slow, but as Foster becomes more and more hammered with each verse, there's no denying that he was a master at his own unique craft. It continues to leave me in stitches each time I listen. Merry Christmas, Foster Brooks, you're the drunken relative we all wish we had.

4. Chiron Beta Prime - Jonathan Coulton

Jonathan is an artist I've only recently gotten into in recent years, but he is quickly climbing the list of my favourite songwriters. He usually writes songs that focus on science fiction, technology, and other nerdy subjects mixed with various genres. Personally, the more I listen to him, the more I feel like he's been inspired by the likes of Weird Al and Ben Folds. If you're still unsure if you'd like his music, he did write the song "Still Alive" that appeared at the end of the amazing video game, Portal.

So anyway, this Christmas song is written like a Christmas card from a family enslaved by robots on a mining asteroid. It's hilarious and mad catchy.

3. Christmastime - The Arrogant Worms

One of the first songs I ever heard by the Worms, I remember distinctly listening to it on CBC radio around Christmas. These guys are no stranger to writing funny holiday songs, they even have a Christmas album in their sizable discography. Still with so many to choose from, this one stands out for it's energetic chorus and the delivery of lines like "Hey Mr. Santa Claus, I believe in you because, you've got more credibility that any doctor, cop, or lawyer!"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the song in any video to embed here (which may be a part of the internet's effort to keep us Canadians down), so I'm going to make you do extra work and listen to it on their website. Click the play button for holiday cheer!

2. The Night Santa Went Crazy - "Weird Al" Yankovic

I didn't want two songs by the same artist on the list, but I seriously considered Weird Al's other festive gem, "Christmas at Ground Zero" for its clever lyrics before finally choosing his other dark Christmas song. While it does make me feel old knowing the song is 15 years old already, I'll never forget listening to it for the first time and being shocked by its violent lyrics and then laughing my head off over the destruction of the North Pole and the gruesome demise of most of Santa's reindeer.

Please enjoy the extra gory version of the song posted below. I think you'll agree that nothing says Christmas like rocking out to Santa turning mad. I think you can also agree the story it tells would make one hell of a movie.

1. There Are Much Worse Things - Stephen Colbert and Elvis Costello

Colbert's 2008 TV special, "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All" was a impressive bit of holiday fun filled to the brim with funny and well-written Christmas songs. I've since watched and listened to the songs dozens of times, but it's the final tune of the special that sticks with me the most. You may click and listen to it here.

The more I listen to the song, the more I appreciate all the different things it has to say. It begins by addressing the state of Christmas; how it's become the "cheesy crass commercial travesty" we know today that seems to be devoid of any religious significance. It then pokes fun at the importance we put on Christmas, as if it will solve all our problems at the end of the year and we will find "the answer to all sorrows in a box beneath the tree".

From there Stephen and Elvis sing of faith, cynicism, knowledge, and hopeful optimism. For me the song captures so many different feelings about the holidays and life that I feel you could easily write whole essays about it. And yes, while it may not be laugh out loud hilarious, it still is at heart a comedy song. It's sincere and beautiful, and as someone who celebrates Christmas without having any interest in going to church or being religious, it feels especially meaningful to that modern mentality. You may believe in everything, nothing, or things that are empty to others, but if it makes you happy then maybe that's all that matters, because ... after all, there are much worse things.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Traditions Explained

Last year I outlined a list of Weird Christmas Traditions from around the world. This year I thought I’d take a better look at some of the traditions that most Christians take part in every year and may not have any clue as to why.

Also, to our non-Christian, anti-Christmas readers: Merry/Happy Whatever!


5. Christmas Lights

During the Christmas holidays lighting a person’s house or trees – which we’ll get to later – is one of the most common practices of the Christian faithful. Houses are adorned, inside and out, with bright coloured or white lights from front to back.

So where did the tradition come from?

As you may or may not know, the Christian religion wasn’t always in the state it is today. There was a time where Christians were persecuted for their beliefs and had to hide in secret to congregate and profess their faith.

During these hard times Early Christians would light a candle in the window of the building they were performing a mass in, so that other Christians would know the location.

Now, as any good little history buff knows, the Christian religion is a conglomeration of many faiths. Winter solstice traditions, which were a mainstay of Pagan religions, are where most of our Christmas traditions take root.

Winter for the Pagans was a dark, horrible time of the year. During the colder months they had to hope that their food stores held out, survive the bitterly cold days and nights, and generally deal with the grief of those whom died during the winter – of which there were many. A celebration during these months helped to uplift spirits and break the bleak depression of the winter.

The Winter solstice celebrations – held on the darkest day of the year - included most of the merry-making we enjoy today, like a big feast with family and friends, gift-giving, and the burning of a large log in the hearth. This not only offered heat for the home, but represented the sun – which would return after the dark days. This tradition would become the “Yule” log and would be the basis of lighting candles in homes (for decoration, that is) and – in turn – for those horribly tangled LED lights you curse out every year as you staple them to your house.

4. Eggnog

What we call eggnog today is a drink that is heavily milk-based, contains loads of sugar, and - as per its name - contains eggs. It has a yellowish colour and depending on the level of milk used in the mix - from low-fat to downright cream - it can be very thick and creamy. Although these days you see people that just drink the nog, it is often mixed with some kind of liquor and served at social gatherings around the holidays.
 
So where did the tradition come from?

In days-gone-by milk and eggs had no "shelf life". There were no refrigerators! They were also costly. The only people that really had access to them were dairy and egg farmers, and the upper crust of society whom owned all the farms.

In an effort to keep the milk products they would be mixed with different liquors, including sherry and brandy. Eventually this became a treat that was enjoyed at many aristocratic social gatherings.

So why nog? That is a topic of debate by historians. There are several hypothesis, though. One includes that eggnog would often be mixed with rum or grog. The idea is that the term egg n' grog eventually became eggnog. Another idea is that eggnog would have once been drunk from a noggin - a wooden, carved mug used to serve booze back in the day. The drink might've been called an egg noggin and eventually shortened.

The mystery doesn't stop there, I'm afraid. Why do we drink it around the Christmas holidays? Well, there's no good reason. Like I mentioned before, eggnog was often enjoyed at social gatherings by the aristocrats. The belief is that over time it just became vogue to drink eggnog around Christmas and New Year's and that just eventually became the convention.

3. Mistletoe

Mistletoe, in regards to the Christmas decoration, is known as Viscus album in the UK. In NA a different form of mistletoe is used to adorn homes during the holidays, known as Phoradendron seritonum. It's a hemi-parasitic plant. Yeah, that's right. Plants can be parasites, too. Mistletoe actually survives by stealing sustenance from other plants.

So where did the tradition come from?

This one goes as far back as the Norse, at least. You see mistletoe, for some reason or another, has been linked to male virility for a very long time. In Norse mythology a mistletoe arrow was described as having killed Baldr, god of love and happiness. There are also descriptions of a sword made of mistletoe itself. If you don't get it, look up phallus.

Even in pre-Christian Europe mistletoe was considered a sign of male essence. Want to know why? Because when the berries are crushed up, they resemble semen. Yeah, bet you wish I didn't go there.

So how does this translate to the kissing Christmas decoration we know so well? The exact reasons aren't known, although it is again an extension of the male virility and fertility history of the plant, but as early as the 1820s there is literature that describes the use of mistletoe as a Christmas staple.

It would be cut from the bush and then hung in the home around Christmas Eve. It must then stay there and not touch the ground until Candlemas - a Christian feast that is held on February 2nd. It was believed that it could protect the home from lightning or fire, which I have no idea why; silly superstitious 19th Century Christians. 

The tradition of kissing is an extension of mistletoe's history as some weird phallic/male symbol, as young men could steal a kiss from the girl they were courting as long as they removed a berry from the bush. Once the berries were gone, the plant no longer held its spell.

I won't make any comments about that one.

2. Christmas Trees

The main decoration in a Christian's home around Christmas is the Christmas tree. It is adorned with lights, decorations, and in some traditions gifts, candies and fruit. At the top of most Christmas trees is a star, which depicts the Star of Bethlehem, but what started the tradition of people dragging perfectly good Evergreen trees into their homes?

So where did the tradition come from?

As far as we can tell from our history books, the Germans came up with the Christmas tree. In around the year 700, St. Boniface - in an attempt to fight off the pre-existing beliefs in Norse mythology - cut down a representation of the tree of Thor. Years later he found a fir tree growing in the roots of the old oak and saw it as a sign from God. He is quoted as saying, "... let Christ be at the centre of your households..." and from then on the tradition of taking a fir tree into one's home at Christmas began.

It is also recorded that in Estonia, circa 15th and 16th centuries, that a tree would be taken into the town square nearing the end of the Christmas holiday. It would be adorned and was the centre for dancing and singing. On the final night of reverie it would be burned and there would be a celebration held around the fire.

In a sort of amalgamation of traditions, families would take trees into their homes and decorate them, and would also light them with candles. It would remain a Germanic tradition for many years. It was customary in earlier times for the family to decorate the tree and hide it from the children for several days before Christmas eve, when it would finally be revealed.

The Christmas tree was actually considered a Protestant tradition, as were many of the Germanic Christmas traditions. It would be adopted by the Roman Catholics around the 16th and 17th centuries simply because it could not be stopped.

Today instead of candles on a large, dried out piece of wood, we take a safer route to light our trees… we plug sixty or so strings of lights into one socket, wrap them around our trees and stare glossy-eyed at all the pretty lights.

1. Santa Claus

Where to even begin?

Santa Claus has become the iconic image of Christmas, much to the dismay of the Catholic church. Seems there was a rather iconic birth on Christmas day as well. Although we consider the image of a plump, jolly bearded fellow in a red suit to be the definitive version of Santa Claus, that is just one of the many versions that exist all over the world of whom was once known as the Sinterklaas.

So where did the tradition come from?

The most common history associated with Santa Claus is that he is a legend based on St. Nicholas – a devout Catholic who lived in what is known as modern day Turkey. He is best known for giving gifts to the poor and even saving three young women from being made into prostitutes by giving their father a hefty dowry in their names. What a nice guy, huh?

Images of the man - known as Sinterklass to the Dutch and surrounding countries - certainly fit the part with a long beard and adorned robes, however this is but the roots of what would become the man we know so fondly as Santa.

In the UK he’s known as Father Christmas, and although very similar to our Santa Claus, he generally wears robes and is reported to live somewhere in Poland, not like the American Santa that lives in a perpetually wintry North Pole.

He is often reported to have some kind of magic at his disposal. In North America he lives with elves and several magic reindeer that help him to deliver presents to all the good little girls and boys in just one night. In Nordic countries he rides a magical goat to deliver his presents. The goat is actually the Yule Goat, which was once the reported gift-giver of the Nords, but over the centuries has merged with the St. Nicholas character.

In 1843 the man himself made an appearance in Charles Dickens’ famous novel A Christmas Carol as the "Ghost of Christmas Present". It’s a far cry from what we call Santa, but you can see that he’s a plump, bearded man that represents the festivities of Christmas.

There is a common misconception that the red-suited Santa is just a clever marketing campaign started by Macy’s and now owned by Coca-Cola. Although Macy’s definitely uses the image of Santa in their holiday marketing, as does Coca-Cola, they do not own the image of Santa Claus. Santa is the very essence of public domain. This common myth came about because Macy’s has Santa appear at the end of their Thanksgiving Day parade to mark the beginning of the Christmas season, and Santas have famously appeared at their store for many generations. There’s also the film A Miracle on 34th Street, which involves Macy’s and Santa Claus. This is just ingenious holiday marketing.

The same goes for Coke. The image they use on their holiday packaging may be trademarked, but they do not own the man in the red suit. There is a belief that it’s because of Coke that Santa’s suit is red, not its original green colour. The truth is that the red suit was first depicted by Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly (1863) and has nothing to do with Coca-Cola – although it is a very opportune coincidence that Coke has capitalized on.

There are a great many other depictions of Santa in all different countries and religions the world over. The fact is that Santa is a representation of the good cheer and celebration of the Christmas season. So, to you and yours I wish a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Memorable Christmas Gifts

People may tell you - foolish, ridiculous people - that Christmas is all about love and peace and goodwill to men. But I say it's all about getting stuff. Things you can desire, unwrap, and own. So here is a list of some memorable Christmas gifts in cinema.

I'm not including the gift of life, or the gift of getting a second chance, so you wont be seeing It's a Wonderful Life or one of the 900 adaptations of A Christmas Carol here. Instead it should be a more tangible present like the bell from The Polar Express, or the turtledoves from Home Alone 2 for example. Also, I've not bothered with Christmas specials or made-for-TV movies.

5. Turboman Action Figure (Jingle All the Way, 1996)
You want the real meaning of Christmas? Look no further than a movie all about one father's vicious pursuit of a popular toy so he may win his son's love. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a busy dad who has forgotten to buy a toy for his son, Anakin Skywalker, and now must do anything and everything imaginable to acquire the sold out action figure.

I know this movie is far from great. The last thing we needed was Arnold to put down his guns and pick up a shopping cart to battle angry moms at the mall, and face off against a postal worker played by Sinbad. However, it is a guilty pleasure for me because of a handful of funny scenes. Arnold may be doing a lame family film, but he still manages to kick a flaming wise-man head out a window and punch a reindeer in the face.

The film makes the list because it is all about the quest for one gift and reminds us of real life shopping mayhem over stupid toys. I'm looking at you, Cabbage Patch Kids. And you, Furby. And especially you, Tickle Me Elmo, you miserable excuse for a muppet.

4. Christmas Bonus (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, 1989)
This movie is definitely a holiday classic. Who would have thought that 90 minutes of everything going wrong could be so enjoyable and hilarious to watch. When Clark Griswold's dreams of having a perfect old fashioned family Christmas are shattered at every turn, the only thing keeping him sane is the hope of finally receiving his Christmas bonus check. Whether it be annoying family, aggravating decorations, a ruined dinner, or animals destroying his home, Clark can keep a smile on his face because of that bonus on the horizon.

So it comes as no surprise that when he finds out there is no bonus, the man snaps and unleashes a spectacular tirade of insults that go down in comedy history. In the end it all works out for the Griswold family, but it was the gift of a Christmas bonus that kept one man's sanity together ... then destroyed it ... and then saved it again!

3. Sled (Citizen Kane, 1941)
Many people consider this to be the greatest movie ever made. I would disagree. But it is hands down the most memorable sled in Hollywood. Way to go, Orson. Given to a young Charles Kane for Christmas, the sled would eventually become the answer to his mysterious last words. I know I'm spoiling the secret here, but you've had 70 years to find out for yourself. Guess what else? The planet of the apes was actually earth.

Anyway, it's a memorable Christmas gift because it starts and finishes one of the most famous movies ever made. It represents Kane's childhood and innocence, and supports the idea that no matter how old you get you'll still long for the simpler days of screwing around in the snow with a new toy.

2. Gizmo (Gremlins, 1984)
You're in Chinatown. You find an unidentifiable creature in a box in a creepy store. What do you do? You buy/steal it and give it to your son as a present, of course. Sure, he's already got a dog for a pet, but nothing says I love you like a strange animal that may carry exotic diseases, and comes with a mess of warnings.

Billy Peltzer's mogwai turns out to be much more involved than your average pet. One spilled glass of water and a plate of food later, you have murderous mutants running all over the place. Everyone dreams of having a pet as a kid, but we hardly ever worry about a pet that might give birth to goblins that hide around the house and attack your mom. In any case, Gizmo is an unforgettable Christmas present. Seriously, what is more memorable than a gift that nearly ends up destroying a whole town?

1. Red Rider BB Gun (A Christmas Story, 1983)
I don't think this entry should come as a surprise to anyone. I'm not saying this is the best Christmas movie ever made, but it feels like watching a genuine Christmas experience. I think anyone can relate to Ralphie's longing for a specific gift and waiting with anxiety and excitement for Christmas morning.

Also the gift Ralphie can't stop thinking about is a dangerous weapon and all the adults around him are constantly reminding him of that fact. Again, everyone can recall a time in their childhood when they wanted to go up on the roof or get their hands on some fireworks. Children are naturally attracted to danger, because danger = fun.

Ralphie's BB gun is number one because it's the gift that reminds us of our Christmas memories; good or bad. The highs and lows leading up to Christmas, the yearning for the perfect toy, and the grim reality that you just may shoot your eye out.