Fast Food Worse For You Than The KFC Double Down

Everyone’s been talking about this insane sandwich that KFC has put out. I argue you can’t have a sandwich, proper, without bread, but the concept of two pieces of chicken filled with sauce, cheese and bacon is certainly scintillating.

I haven’t had the chance to chomp down on one of these suckers yet, but I intend to. I decided to see if there was any fast food worse for you on the market and it turns out there are tons. What could be worse than this gluttonous monstrosity? Check it out.

Before we start, where does the double down stand? It weighs in at 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium.

I suggest you discontinue reading this if you’re hungry.

5. The Baconator

The Baconator was released in 2007 and has since become a staple of the Wendy’s fast food franchise. In an attempt to lure in 18-34 year old males that hate anything healthy, including veggies, they created a hamburger that was composed of two four ounce patties, two slices of American cheese, six strips of bacon and mayonnaise and ketchup for condiments.

It became very popular very quickly and is now offered in several variations, including a single patty, the original double patty and now an even more heart-stopping triple patty burger. There was also a special, limited edition Spicy Baconator which had pepperjack cheese, jalapeno peppers and chipotle sauce.

So how does the Baconator stack up against the Double Down? It has a whopping 830 calories, 60g of fat and 2260mg of sodium – and that’s just the original double patty version.

4. Double Whopper

Since it was first introduced in 1957, the Whopper has been one of the most popular and best known sandwiches in the fast food market – and the title sandwich of Burger King (known as “Home of the Whopper”) and their Australian restaurant Hungry Jacks.

The basic Whopper comes with lettuce, tomato, pickles, onion, mayo, ketchup and one quarter pound patty. It has been presented in a plethora of variations. A few highlights include:

• The Pinata Whopper, with jalapeno peppers, nacho chips and hot sauce. They are inexplicably only sold in Sweden and Denmark.

• The Mustard Whopper, which is simply mustard instead of mayo… I can’t imagine why that demands a special title.

• The Alfresco Whopper, topped with avocado and aoli sauce instead of mayo and ketchup, as well as two slices of cheese and three slices of bacon (which sounds freakin’ delicious). This one is for the Hungry Jacks crowd.

• The Meat Beast Whopper, loaded with bacon, cheese and pepperoni and only available in the US, UK and Ireland.

The Double Whopper is one of the basic variations on the class, including two patties instead of the standard one. Where does it stand in the nutrition race? It comes in with a whopping (teehee) 990 calories, 64g of fat and 1520mg of sodium.

I would’ve compared the original Whopper to the Double Down, but it didn’t quite exceed it in the sodium department. Here’s the score, just for those wondering: 670 calories, 39g of fat and 1020mg of sodium.

3. BK Original Chicken Sandwich

I figured I should compare a chicken sandwich, considering the basis of this list is from KFC. I’m not trying to pick on BK, but this was the first one that came to mind.

Introduced in 1978, the Original Chicken Sandwich was brought in to try and entice the young adult market that was willing to pay a little more for a better product. As per usual, BK was trying to fend off McDonald’s – the fast food giant – and also keep the then relatively young Wendy’s at bay.

It’s a simple sandwich: a fried chicken patty, mayo, lettuce on a Kaiser bun. It has also had a bunch of variations, but it has been my opinion over the years that they are all awful so I won’t be mentioning them here.

What’s the damage this baby will have on your heart? The OCS is loaded with 660 calories, 40g of fat and 1440mg of sodium.

2. Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese

You know I had bring up McDonald’s in this list. Personally my favourite (standard) sandwich they offer is the Double Quarter Pounder, so I wanted to research this one. I’ll let you know where the Big Mac stands at the end, because I’m sure you’re all wondering.

In the 70s McDonald’s started looking at some new menu items, again to bring in a new market share of young adults. During research they saw that there was a gap in men that wanted more meat in their meat to bun ratio, so the Quarter Pounder with Cheese was born. Its toppings are two four ounce patties, two slices of cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup and mustard.

As is always the case with men, adding a new patty is always a good idea, so a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese – as well as a Double Big Mac – were permanently added to the menu at a later date. Interesting note: McDonald’s has a sandwich known as “The Pounder” that is not on any menu, but can be asked for in several countries, which includes four patties, five pieces of cheese and the standard veggies and condiments. In Australia, you have to ask for a Double Quarter Pounder with two extra patties, but you can get the sandwich.

Wanna know what’s in the Double QP with cheese? It has 740 calories, 42g of fat and 1380mg of sodium.

For the Big Mac kids: 576 calories, 32.5g of fat and 742mg of sodium.

1. Wendy’s BLT Chicken Salad with Honey Dijon Dressing

The next time you're at Wendy's and you think, “Oh, I should just be healthy and have a salad,” you will think twice.

Although Wendy’s is just as much a burger joint as their major competitors Burger King, McDonald’s or A&W, they have attempted over the past few years a faux-healthy wing offering items like baked potato, chili (which is filled with burger meat, by the way) and salads. They were, however, the first restaurant to offer salads in 1979, which led to their Garden Sensations line in 2002.

One of the popular salads offered in this line is the BLT Chicken Salad with Honey Dijon Dressing. You might think that at least you’re having a salad instead of a burger and fries. Before I even outline the caloric destruction this salad offers, I want you to think about it for a second. This salad consists of lettuce, a chopped up fried chicken patty and honey dijon dressing. It’s basically a chicken sandwich with dijon mustard, sans the bread.

So where does the BLT salad stand: 720 calories, 50g of fat and 1610mg of sodium. It is basically worse than any of the single, original burgers and chicken sandwiches you can get at any of the fast food restaurants you probably frequent.

So, there you have it. Everyone is up in arms about the Double Down because it rocks two pieces of chicken instead of bread. The thing is, in comparison to the standard burgers you’ve eaten since you were a kid, the Double Down is actually – and I say this only in context – the healthier of the fast food choices. You can now feel no shame when you walk into a KFC and buy yourself this pseudo-sandwich.

Christmas Traditions Explained

Last year I outlined a list of Weird Christmas Traditions from around the world. This year I thought I’d take a better look at some of the traditions that most Christians take part in every year and may not have any clue as to why.

Also, to our non-Christian, anti-Christmas readers: Merry/Happy Whatever!


5. Christmas Lights

During the Christmas holidays lighting a person’s house or trees – which we’ll get to later – is one of the most common practices of the Christian faithful. Houses are adorned, inside and out, with bright coloured or white lights from front to back.

So where did the tradition come from?

As you may or may not know, the Christian religion wasn’t always in the state it is today. There was a time where Christians were persecuted for their beliefs and had to hide in secret to congregate and profess their faith.

During these hard times Early Christians would light a candle in the window of the building they were performing a mass in, so that other Christians would know the location.

Now, as any good little history buff knows, the Christian religion is a conglomeration of many faiths. Winter solstice traditions, which were a mainstay of Pagan religions, are where most of our Christmas traditions take root.

Winter for the Pagans was a dark, horrible time of the year. During the colder months they had to hope that their food stores held out, survive the bitterly cold days and nights, and generally deal with the grief of those whom died during the winter – of which there were many. A celebration during these months helped to uplift spirits and break the bleak depression of the winter.

The Winter solstice celebrations – held on the darkest day of the year - included most of the merry-making we enjoy today, like a big feast with family and friends, gift-giving, and the burning of a large log in the hearth. This not only offered heat for the home, but represented the sun – which would return after the dark days. This tradition would become the “Yule” log and would be the basis of lighting candles in homes (for decoration, that is) and – in turn – for those horribly tangled LED lights you curse out every year as you staple them to your house.

4. Eggnog

What we call eggnog today is a drink that is heavily milk-based, contains loads of sugar, and - as per its name - contains eggs. It has a yellowish colour and depending on the level of milk used in the mix - from low-fat to downright cream - it can be very thick and creamy. Although these days you see people that just drink the nog, it is often mixed with some kind of liquor and served at social gatherings around the holidays.
 
So where did the tradition come from?

In days-gone-by milk and eggs had no "shelf life". There were no refrigerators! They were also costly. The only people that really had access to them were dairy and egg farmers, and the upper crust of society whom owned all the farms.

In an effort to keep the milk products they would be mixed with different liquors, including sherry and brandy. Eventually this became a treat that was enjoyed at many aristocratic social gatherings.

So why nog? That is a topic of debate by historians. There are several hypothesis, though. One includes that eggnog would often be mixed with rum or grog. The idea is that the term egg n' grog eventually became eggnog. Another idea is that eggnog would have once been drunk from a noggin - a wooden, carved mug used to serve booze back in the day. The drink might've been called an egg noggin and eventually shortened.

The mystery doesn't stop there, I'm afraid. Why do we drink it around the Christmas holidays? Well, there's no good reason. Like I mentioned before, eggnog was often enjoyed at social gatherings by the aristocrats. The belief is that over time it just became vogue to drink eggnog around Christmas and New Year's and that just eventually became the convention.

3. Mistletoe

Mistletoe, in regards to the Christmas decoration, is known as Viscus album in the UK. In NA a different form of mistletoe is used to adorn homes during the holidays, known as Phoradendron seritonum. It's a hemi-parasitic plant. Yeah, that's right. Plants can be parasites, too. Mistletoe actually survives by stealing sustenance from other plants.

So where did the tradition come from?

This one goes as far back as the Norse, at least. You see mistletoe, for some reason or another, has been linked to male virility for a very long time. In Norse mythology a mistletoe arrow was described as having killed Baldr, god of love and happiness. There are also descriptions of a sword made of mistletoe itself. If you don't get it, look up phallus.

Even in pre-Christian Europe mistletoe was considered a sign of male essence. Want to know why? Because when the berries are crushed up, they resemble semen. Yeah, bet you wish I didn't go there.

So how does this translate to the kissing Christmas decoration we know so well? The exact reasons aren't known, although it is again an extension of the male virility and fertility history of the plant, but as early as the 1820s there is literature that describes the use of mistletoe as a Christmas staple.

It would be cut from the bush and then hung in the home around Christmas Eve. It must then stay there and not touch the ground until Candlemas - a Christian feast that is held on February 2nd. It was believed that it could protect the home from lightning or fire, which I have no idea why; silly superstitious 19th Century Christians. 

The tradition of kissing is an extension of mistletoe's history as some weird phallic/male symbol, as young men could steal a kiss from the girl they were courting as long as they removed a berry from the bush. Once the berries were gone, the plant no longer held its spell.

I won't make any comments about that one.

2. Christmas Trees

The main decoration in a Christian's home around Christmas is the Christmas tree. It is adorned with lights, decorations, and in some traditions gifts, candies and fruit. At the top of most Christmas trees is a star, which depicts the Star of Bethlehem, but what started the tradition of people dragging perfectly good Evergreen trees into their homes?

So where did the tradition come from?

As far as we can tell from our history books, the Germans came up with the Christmas tree. In around the year 700, St. Boniface - in an attempt to fight off the pre-existing beliefs in Norse mythology - cut down a representation of the tree of Thor. Years later he found a fir tree growing in the roots of the old oak and saw it as a sign from God. He is quoted as saying, "... let Christ be at the centre of your households..." and from then on the tradition of taking a fir tree into one's home at Christmas began.

It is also recorded that in Estonia, circa 15th and 16th centuries, that a tree would be taken into the town square nearing the end of the Christmas holiday. It would be adorned and was the centre for dancing and singing. On the final night of reverie it would be burned and there would be a celebration held around the fire.

In a sort of amalgamation of traditions, families would take trees into their homes and decorate them, and would also light them with candles. It would remain a Germanic tradition for many years. It was customary in earlier times for the family to decorate the tree and hide it from the children for several days before Christmas eve, when it would finally be revealed.

The Christmas tree was actually considered a Protestant tradition, as were many of the Germanic Christmas traditions. It would be adopted by the Roman Catholics around the 16th and 17th centuries simply because it could not be stopped.

Today instead of candles on a large, dried out piece of wood, we take a safer route to light our trees… we plug sixty or so strings of lights into one socket, wrap them around our trees and stare glossy-eyed at all the pretty lights.

1. Santa Claus

Where to even begin?

Santa Claus has become the iconic image of Christmas, much to the dismay of the Catholic church. Seems there was a rather iconic birth on Christmas day as well. Although we consider the image of a plump, jolly bearded fellow in a red suit to be the definitive version of Santa Claus, that is just one of the many versions that exist all over the world of whom was once known as the Sinterklaas.

So where did the tradition come from?

The most common history associated with Santa Claus is that he is a legend based on St. Nicholas – a devout Catholic who lived in what is known as modern day Turkey. He is best known for giving gifts to the poor and even saving three young women from being made into prostitutes by giving their father a hefty dowry in their names. What a nice guy, huh?

Images of the man - known as Sinterklass to the Dutch and surrounding countries - certainly fit the part with a long beard and adorned robes, however this is but the roots of what would become the man we know so fondly as Santa.

In the UK he’s known as Father Christmas, and although very similar to our Santa Claus, he generally wears robes and is reported to live somewhere in Poland, not like the American Santa that lives in a perpetually wintry North Pole.

He is often reported to have some kind of magic at his disposal. In North America he lives with elves and several magic reindeer that help him to deliver presents to all the good little girls and boys in just one night. In Nordic countries he rides a magical goat to deliver his presents. The goat is actually the Yule Goat, which was once the reported gift-giver of the Nords, but over the centuries has merged with the St. Nicholas character.

In 1843 the man himself made an appearance in Charles Dickens’ famous novel A Christmas Carol as the "Ghost of Christmas Present". It’s a far cry from what we call Santa, but you can see that he’s a plump, bearded man that represents the festivities of Christmas.

There is a common misconception that the red-suited Santa is just a clever marketing campaign started by Macy’s and now owned by Coca-Cola. Although Macy’s definitely uses the image of Santa in their holiday marketing, as does Coca-Cola, they do not own the image of Santa Claus. Santa is the very essence of public domain. This common myth came about because Macy’s has Santa appear at the end of their Thanksgiving Day parade to mark the beginning of the Christmas season, and Santas have famously appeared at their store for many generations. There’s also the film A Miracle on 34th Street, which involves Macy’s and Santa Claus. This is just ingenious holiday marketing.

The same goes for Coke. The image they use on their holiday packaging may be trademarked, but they do not own the man in the red suit. There is a belief that it’s because of Coke that Santa’s suit is red, not its original green colour. The truth is that the red suit was first depicted by Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly (1863) and has nothing to do with Coca-Cola – although it is a very opportune coincidence that Coke has capitalized on.

There are a great many other depictions of Santa in all different countries and religions the world over. The fact is that Santa is a representation of the good cheer and celebration of the Christmas season. So, to you and yours I wish a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Acts of Shame

To celebrate January, a dull, cold and depressing month, we at Five-O-Rama have dedicated ourselves to the theme of Shame. Shame takes many forms. Sometimes it can even take the form of something that's supposed to be positive. Because the creator usually has the best of intentions but still winds up unleashing something truly terrible on the world. I'm sure that at least some of the parties that will be mentioned on this list still to this day feel absolutely no Shame for their actions. They may even stand up and attempt to defend themselves by either insisting that their creation does possess artistic merit or, at the very least, that they gave it their best. Whether or not they have a point is irrelevant. Because this is not Understanding Month or Redemption Month. It is Shame Month. So let's bring on the tears.

5. Rick Wakeman's The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table Tour
For those who don't know, Rick Wakeman was the keyboardist for noted seventies progressive rock band, Yes. He's actually an incredibly talented individual and is a pioneer in the realm of piano and keyboards in rock music. With the help of his keyboard mastery, Yes were a pretty cool band. While still with Yes, Wakeman also forged a solo career. Again, he produced pretty good music.

A classically trained musician, he was very adept at arrangements and working multiple instruments into songs. His solo work reflected this as he successfully integrated things like an orchestra and choir into rock songs. His second solo album, a concept album released in 1974, was the first example of this. He was becoming more ambitious and experimental and by 1975, he'd already released his followup, The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, which was also, that's right, a concept album. It was very well-received and widely considered to include some of his very best work. So should he feel any shame for producing this album? Nope. None at all. In fact he should actually feel pride. But by now Wakeman was really thinking big and for the tour he conceived a lavish and dramatic live show. How lavish and dramatic, you ask? Well, as the album was supposed to be a telling of the Arthur Legend, that's what the show attempted to theatrically display in conjunction with the music. Oh, and also, it was on ice. Just take a look at Guinevere.

If you guessed that such a production would be extraordinarily complex, expensive and stupid, then you're a winner! (Cheque's in the mail) The cost of this live show actually ate into the income generated by the album not to mention being almost universally panned for being bloated and over the top. While it is true that Wakeman produced an album full of very strong music that is to this day one of the best fusions of classical and rock music, he's remembered more for trying to bring it to the masses through an endeavour that has to be one of the biggest failures in rock concert history to date. An example of creative vision going way too far.

4. Nintendo Virtual Boy

The Big N doesn't have a lot of blemishes on its track record but if you had to come up with at least one, I'll bet you'd mention the Virtual Boy. Released smack in the middle of the Nineties, this supposed gaming console resembled a red and black robot monster that would crawl up onto your bed and suck your brain out through your eyes while you slept. Seriously, imagine if this thing had somehow succeeded. You could walk into a room and see a bunch of people enjoying this "portable" gaming device and you'd swear you'd wandered into some horrific dystopian future where a master race of machines fed off our thoughts.

Using an effect known as "parallax" (doesn't that sound sinister? there's a villain in DC who is named this), it was supposed to deliver "true 3D graphics". Well, maybe you think I've gone overboard with the quotations there but whatever the case is, consumers quickly let Nintendo know the Virtual Boy "sucked". As it turned out, gamers weren't completely in love with more or less strapping this monstrosity to their foreheads so they could experience gameplay in a world of luscious, 3D, red monochrome.

The controller was sort of like a warped Gamecube controller only with a huge battery pack in the middle which made it heavy (hey, it only took SIX AA batteries) and, for reasons I can no longer recall, two d-pads - one on each side.

Possibly to counter Sega's in your face advertising style of the day, the Virtual Boy was marketed quite aggressively. Remember "A 3-D Game for a 3-D World"? Well, I do anyway. I also remember the headaches that came from playing the fucking thing for more than fifteen minutes.

Less than eight hundred thousand units were sold worldwide and only fourteen games were released in North America. Production of the Virtual Boy ceased only a year after its initial launch. These days it's only good as a collector's item and a source of Shame.

3. New Coke

What's most funny to me about this marketing epic fail

(did I say that correctly?) is that Coca-Cola didn't really have any good reason for trying it. It's true that by the mid eighties, Coke wasn't quite as dominant as it had been, thanks to the rise of Pepsi, but it still was the top of the heap in the world of Cola and a fantastically wealthy and powerful company and name brand. The main problem was that the people who were most loyal to the Coca-Cola brand were aging and Pepsi was more popular with young people (a fact Pepsi tried to exploit at every turn in their marketing). Apparently anything less than absolute dominance wasn't good enough for Coke and so measures were swiftly taken to combat Pepsi.

Another fun fact about Coke is that they don't do anything on a small scale. They conducted some market research through focus groups and surveys where a new flavour was provided. Results were relatively positive which I guess was all it takes for a global conglomerate with thousands of employees to tinker with their flagship product and drastically change their image. Because when the idea came up to simply introduce this flavour as an additional variety of Coke it was quickly shot down. No, they were going to do this all the way. CEO Roberto Goizueta was quoted as saying something like "It's New Coke or no Coke." Woot! Let's hear it for super aggressive 1980's decision making! Fight your way to the top and stay there, just like Cyndi Lauper!

Pepsi, which was actually much more known for this ballsy type of operating, took New Coke as a serious threat and moved quickly to spread skepticism and downright ridicule. They even gave all their employees a special day off to "celebrate their victory" over their old rival in the Cola Wars. The media fed directly off this and sunk their claws into Coke upon New Coke's debut (April 23, 1985). The official press conference was pretty much a fiasco, with Goizueta not exactly inspiring confidence with his lame description of the new flavour (you can find the hilarious quote on wikipedia), refusal to admit that any taste tests had even been conducted and his unforgettable declaration that New Coke was already a success, despite it being, um, Day One. But after the first few weeks it looked like maybe he'd been right. Coca-Cola gave away tons of free cans and soon sales actually picked up slightly.

But the fact is it's human nature to resist change to something that you already liked in the first place. It had actually been indicated by a minority in the focus groups that they resented the idea of Coke's formula being altered and soon this was repeated out in the real world. Angry letters and phone calls started flooding in, many of them quite hostile considering the focus of their grievance was a soft drink. As Coke had started in the South, people there felt like it belonged to them. And, being Southerners, they found a way to relate Coke's change to their loss in the Civil War (I'm not kidding) - to them this change to their beloved beverage felt like the "damn Yankees" were winning again. Soon the backlash spread to the rest of America and indeed, across the world. Even freaking Fidel Castro went on record to bash New Coke. Organizations were formed to lobby against the change. As it turned out, people really, really liked their Coke and did not like having it messed with. There were protests and boycotts and public displays of stuff like people emptying bottles of New Coke into the gutters.

There was plenty of turmoil within the company itself as many employees felt conflicted if not outright betrayed by the fact that they were working for a company that had always marketed itself as constant and "The Real Thing" that had now reversed that. A good percentage of them found themselves personally disliking the new taste as well. Bottlers, particularly in the South, were actually LOSING FRIENDS over their INDIRECT connection to New Coke. Lawsuits

suddenly were flying at Coca-Cola from every direction, merited or not. By slightly changing the flavour of a soft drink and sticking the word "new" in front of its name, they had opened the gates of hell.

Less than three months after New Coke's official unveiling, the announcement came that they would be returning to the original formula. There was already so much New Coke out in the world that it couldn't be recalled so it continued to be sold and was renamed Coke II in 1992. Old Coke was renamed Coca-Cola Classic and it sold like crazy. Everyone knows the rest of the story. It turned out that the colossal blunder that was New Coke actually helped significantly increase the popularity of the old one. Some people even theorize that the whole thing had just been a gigantic marketing ploy on Coke's part - that is, that they were COUNTING on New Coke bombing so that when they switched back, their sales would spike. But I'm fairly certain this was not the case.

It's highly possible that I have actually tasted New Coke in my life but I just don't know. I've asked people who can remember New Coke's launch if it tasted any differently but have never received a straight answer. The fact remains that the change made to the formula was actually a very minor one and the taste could not have been altered all that drastically. What it really came down to was Coke's own underestimation of people's emotional attachment to a familiar brand.

There were no huge consequences for Goizueta or anyone else associated with the change at least as far as keeping their jobs went. Blame was never officially assigned and no one was fired. But with New Coke still remembered as a complete failure, the Shame lingers to this day.

2. Spider-Man: The Clone Saga

Here's proof that something doesn't have to be a complete financial disaster to qualify as an Act of Shame. You would think that since quite a number of people were responsible for this debacle, one could spread the Shame around and maybe it wouldn't look so bad. Well, you would think that if you never actually read this runaway story arc from hell.

Back in the mid nineties, what some people refer to as "The Dark Age of Comic Books", there were a lot of flashy trends going on as publishers competed for dominance. Marvel's chief rival, DC Comics had achieved a high level of success with their epic and controversial story arcs, The Death of Superman and Knightfall. The bigwigs at Marvel hoped to release something similar for one of their own major characters. Spider-Man, come on down!

Considering the aforementioned event stories featured one major hero being actually replaced by another character (um, temporarily) and the other being killed (again, temporarily), nothing was considered out of bounds for this Spider-Man project. Eventually writer Terry Kavanagh was coaxed into mentioning his clone idea, which at that time, while quite radical, was still fairly simple and straightforward. The arc that was originally conceived was short and ended with Ben Reilly being revealed as the original Peter Parker. Then he would take his place as Spider-Man, while "Peter" would retire and live a quiet life with MJ (who was pregnant at the time). But if you know anything about comics, then you probably know this is not at all what wound up happening.

Instead we got Spidey, Ben Reilly, his supposed clone, Kaine, who is another clone, The Jackal, who is the creator of the clones and Spidercide, who is yet another clone, all running around trying to sort the whole business out. Add seemingly all-powerful and seemingly randomly inserted character Judas Traveler, who states his motivation as trying to determine the true nature of "evil", and stretch it all out over many, many months. Throw in the mysterious and pointless Seward Trainer and you've got a full-blown comic book clusterfuck.

But it sold. Either because faithful readers remained confident that no matter how messed up things were getting, the resolution would be satisfying and entertaining or it was a case of that thing where you're just unable to look away from a violent car accident - people were curious to see just how bad it was going to get. I suppose it was probably a combination of both. As time went on, the story kept going, adding more and more layers of ridiculousness. Eventually there were DOZENS of clones (Maximum Clonage), a new good guy Green Goblin, a female Doc Ock and Kraven's son (The Grim Hunter) all tossed into the mix. And every once in awhile, Traveler, who still wasn't being explained in any way, would teleport Peter Parker into weird little side dimensions where they could discuss concepts like good and evil, life and death, mac and cheese, and so on. It was hard to believe this was actually Spider-Man.

Where it all was going was anyone's guess. Direction changed several times as editor in chief (and one of the contributing writers to the arc) Tom Defalco left the post and was replaced by Bob "I Named Optimus Prime" Budiansky. Defalco later stated his intention was to proceed similarly to Knightfall (my words, not his) by establishing in "Act One" that Peter was the clone and Ben was the real Parker, having "Act Two" follow his adventures and then having Peter return in "Act Three" as the one true Spider-Man with Ben starring in his own ongoing title afterwards.

But Budiansky wanted things to...go on. This was no three act story. Although he also planned to keep Ben as Spider-Man and have Peter quietly retire as a new father. Scarlett Spider was meant to replace every current Spider-Man title before Ben FINALLY took over as Spider-Man. Of course, this would stretch things out even longer. By this point, the marketing department was calling all the shots (sales were booming after all) and the creative team pretty much had to do what they were told (hence Maximum Clonage etc.) Keep in mind this was in the age of the super star artist, over the top anti heroes and holographic cover variants. Not to mention Marvel's own financial implosion.

Suddenly, Budiansky seemed to sense that fans didn't really want to see Peter Parker replaced. (maybe it was the hundreds of angry letters, I don't know) Now it was his mandate to...um, get things back to normal? Oh yeah, since Peter was going to be a superhero again, Budiansky didn't want him tied down as a father so THAT had to be taken care of too. Then Marvel fired him.

Ok. So then Bob Harras took over the mess and moved very quickly to resolve things. Basically, the storyline had become so fucked up and nonsensical that only some sort of deus ex machina could salvage it. The idea of using Mephisto for this came up but was then dismissed as having too little to do with Spider-Man and his "world" despite the fact that said "world" had spun out of control long ago. (Interestingly enough, the Mephisto idea was used fairly recently for the One More Day storyline). Harras then came up with the plan to resurrect a major Spider-Man foe who had been dead for over twenty years in real time, Norman Osborn. It was a bold move but probably the best possible given the circumstances. Osborn finally revealed himself as the mastermind behind the entire affair, having manipulated all the players, including Judas Traveler, from the shadows. Peter and Ben fought him and Ben died saving Peter's life, his body dissolving in death proving once and for all that he was the clone. MJ's baby is born stillborn (yay!) and so things went back to the way they were. Sort of.

When the smoke cleared, the Clone Saga had taken just over two years to complete and all the story really amounted to was a massive, confusing epic that Marvel had to more or less "take back" to save face and not completely ruin their most popular character. The shockwaves of Shame are still felt to this day. Just try saying the word "clone" to any Marvel fan and see what happens.

1. Washington Capitals 1974/75 Season

There's a great line from an episode of Futurama (not affiliated with Five-O-Rama) about the major league baseball team, the New New York Mets, where the sportscaster says "And welcome back to the game as the Mets close out a season that will rank among mankind's most awful crimes." That team was fictional. This team, sadly, is not. While they were, at least, an expansion team in their very first year of existence, I really don't know if that can even begin to make up for the levels of Shame they produced. Read on.

Since they were a first year team, they received the number one overall pick in the draft the summer before their innaugral season. They selected standout defenceman Greg Joly from the Regina Pats. He was the number one pick in the WHA draft too (the Phoenix Roadrunners had that pick by the way) but he opted to sign with the Caps. While the WHA certainly didn't compare to the NHL in terms of playing level and recognition, its players actually made more money than their NHL counterparts. Now I'm not saying Joly should have gone where the money was; all I'll say is that the Roadrunners were no where near as bad as the Capitals turned out to be that year.

It's pretty much always the case that players picked number one overall not only have the pressure of their lofty selection on them but also the pressure of helping a weak team improve. You have to be bad to get first pick, you know. The Caps got first pick by virtue of being brand new as opposed to bad. But all expansion teams are expected to be bad in their first two or three seasons. The Kansas City Scouts joined that year as well and got the second pick (Wilf Paiment). But it's not their name you see on this list.

With two new teams entering the league, an expansion draft was held. This is a draft where every existing team has to leave a couple players from their roster unprotected so they can be picked up and added to one of the new teams. Needless to say, it's not exactly a draft full of talent. The Capitals held the second pick in this draft and selected goalie Ron Low from the Toronto Maple Leafs. He would be the backbone of this "professional hockey team", being in the net for all eight of their wins that season.

Yeah. I said eight wins.

The 74/75 Washington Capitals staggered through a season of epically awful proportions, finishing with a record of 8-67-5, which, any way you look at it, is just fucking tragic. Their record on the road was 1-39. They only won in another team's building ONCE! Their point total in the standings after an eighty game season was 21, only half that of the Scouts and the NHL record for lowest ever. In the "New NHL" these days, ties no longer exist and teams receive one point for a loss in overtime or the shootout. So if we're generous and pretend that the Caps' ties were all overtime or shootout wins, their point total would amount to 31. They also set the record for most road losses (duh), longest road losing streak (thirty-seven games!) and their winning percentage of .131 is still the most pathetic in league history.

Let's delve into the numbers even further.

They were led in scoring by winger Tommy Williams, who finished with 22 goals (first), 36 assists (not only first but more than any teammate's entire point total) and fifty-eight points (well, you know). I can think of several teams who featured leading scorers with less points than that so it's actually pretty impressive. Williams was one of only five Capitals to play over seventy games that year. So unfortunately this meant he finished with a plus/minus of -48. Yikes.

Greg "Number One Pick" Joly got to jump straight into the NHL since the Caps were, um, hard up for talent. So he got to experience the thrill of playing 44 games. There must have been a win or two in there, I figure. He scored one goal and seven assists and accumulated what I'm sure must be the worst plus/minus for a rookie ever, a -68. To give you an idea of how woeful the Caps were defensively, the highest plus/minus of any player to appear in at least forty games was Steve Atkinson's tidy -26 over forty-six games. The kicker: defenceman Bill Mikkelson played in fifty-nine games that season and took home a mind-boggling -82. The worst rating of all time. He has the honour of that record standing to this day. Before I leave the plus/minus stuff behind I'll just mention that defenceman Jack Lynch only appeared in twenty games that season and yet still managed to register a MINUS FIFTY-FOUR.

If the preceeding paragraph didn't clue you in, the Caps were brutal on defence and their goaltending was abysmal. They allowed 446 goals that season. Low, the only goalie to record a win for them, finished 8-36-2 with a goals against average of 5.45. 2588 minutes of what I can only imagine as disappointment, frustration and humiliation. The other two goalies, Michel Belhumeur and John Adams, combined for thirty-one losses, three ties (all by Belhumeur) and zero wins. Just how bad were the Caps at keeping the puck out of their net? Well, they would allow ten or more goals against in a game seven times. They were beaten by the score of 12-1 twice and 11-1 once.

But there was more to the Capitals than just horrendous defence and worthless goaltending - they couldn't score either! That season they found the back of the net 181 times - this in an era when even the lousiest teams managed to top 200. Denis Dupere was the only player besides Williams to top twenty goals (he had 20). Six players finished with more than ten goals and only eight topped twenty points. Their highest scoring defenceman was Yvon Labre who had 27 points. The next highest scoring blueliner was Gord Smith with a paltry 11 points.

Several trades were made over the course of the season but nothing helped. Dupere, the team's second highest scorer, was shipped to St. Louis after 53 games. In fact, four of their top seven scorers were traded before the end of the season. While rookies like Joly and nineteen year old Mike Marson got their first taste of the NHL by being embarrassed every night, forty year old veteran Doug Mohns also slogged through the whole thing. You'd think if there was ever a good reason to retire, that would be it. So I suppose one has to respect him for not leaving the sinking ship. Although calling that team a "sinking ship" is way too generous. It was more like the Hindenburg smashing into the Titanic with the wreckage then being sucked into a black hole.

The Caps have a history filled mostly with mediocrity which seems to finally be on the verge of something more. But in 1974/75, they put forth a season that will live on in the annals of Shame forever.

Korean Foods I Will Totally Not Miss

The only rule I applied to this list was that I must have tried the food, even just a little. So as much as I disagree with eating dog meat, I didn't partake, and you won't find it here.

Onward!!

5. Dried Seafood
To be completely honest I've come to enjoy squid in a variety of foods. It makes for some interesting side dishes, and deep fried in batter is also surprisingly tasty. However, dried strips of fish, squid, and other seafood does not agree with me whatsoever. My stomach does flips when I see kids sharing a bag of squid legs. I think I hate all dried meats. What is it about a jerky that makes everything reek? Koreans seem to love chewing on strips of this stuff and they even sell it as a snack at the theater.

Also dried fish seems to pop up in unexpected and unwanted places. You might find dried anchovies in your bag of peanuts, and tiny dried shrimp inside unassuming corn snacks. I just can't support that.

4. Ramyeon
Woah, what's wrong with instant spicy noodles, you ask? Okay, let me explain. Ramyeon itself is a cheap and delicious meal. It may have about a million grams of sodium, but what instant food doesn't? What I find curious is that ramyeon is sold at virtually every local restaurant. And it's not like they're selling some homemade recipe, they literally open a bag, boil it, crack an egg into it, and that's it. And people must love it. Plus I see people eating ramyeon everywhere anyway: at school, at home, at the park, on the sidewalk, in convenience stores, while hiking, you name it ... and still they order it at restaurants? "Oh man, I'm tired from a long day at work. I can't possible cook for myself and boil this. I think I'll go out and have someone else boil this for me."

And trust me, I get it. It's a cheap meal; it's comfort food. In Canada we restrict our Kraft Dinner eating to basically home and college. Nobody thought to sell it at a restaurant. Why is ramyeon a Korean food I won't miss? Because it's served perpetually here, and I can easily recreate the conditions of noodles and hot water in North America.

3.Ddeokbokki
This is one of the most popular snack foods in Korea, sold by street vendors everywhere, and adored by children and adult alike. It's made with plain rice cake, fish cakes, and other ingredients broiled in a broth of gochujang (red pepper paste). I know I said I like rice cakes on my previous list, but you have to understand that gochujang oppresses all other flavours. This is good example of a flaw I find in many Korean dishes, where a slathering of gochujang leaves the food a burning red pile of spice and salt.

I've given this snack a fair shake. I've tried it multiple times hoping to "acquire a taste". It never happened, and I'm still left wondering why children happily munch it down, sweating profusely and gasping from the spiciness.

2. Feet
Chicken and pig feet are commonly sold and eaten in Korea. I've been to many a market and seen piles of each. I didn't eat much of either, I can assure you (it was more of a mistake actually). A foot seems like the sort of part you should throw away; not deep fry and serve with beer. I wonder if some people believe that all the best flavours of an animal travel to its feet with gravity?

Actually people have told me that eating chicken or pig feet is very good for your health. I've been told that eating dog meat can increase your stamina. Whenever someone tries to feed you something questionable, you can bet they'll have something to say about it's healthful benefits. Foods that are bad for your health are delicious, and apparently foods that are good for your health have toes. Ugh.

1. Beondegi (Roasted Silkworm Pupa)
Another popular (what!?) snack food you can find sold on the street. Usually steamed or boiled in a wok of its own juices the .... you know what, I need a minute.

Where was I? Right.... bugs. Okay, so as you can probably tell from the list I'm open minded enough to give most foods a shot. I figure it's a bit of life experience, and an interesting way to haunt all my future meals. I tried the silkworm pupa with a friend on a two way dare. How did it taste? Well, exactly as bad as I imagined. Look at the picture yourself and imagine how it might taste. Guess what? What you imagined is exactly correct!

I will not miss beondegi in any way, shape, or form. And I disliked it so much, I would be happy to banish if from the realm of food completely.

Korean Foods I Will Miss

Since I am a mere week away from my departure from Korea, I figure I would reflect upon my time here. And what better topic is there to cover besides food? I certainly have done the most research in this field.

I've tried to show a range of foods here, so anything goes: snacks, main dishes, side dishes, desserts, and so on. Also, you can expect a sister list of Korean foods I did not enjoy in the coming days. Here goes.

5. Ddeok (Rice Cakes)
Made mostly from a glutinous rice flour, and coming in a plethora of flavours, colours, and shapes, this snack/dessert is good anytime. Depending on what kind you choose, it may make for a quick breakfast, something to cap off a meal, or to compliment tea. Admittedly, I found most ddeok to be bland at first. Over time I began to enjoy the subtle flavours and textures (mmm....chewy to the max). The more I tried them, the more I enjoyed them. They can be made with many sorts of things like honey, sugar, nuts, dates, sweet red beans, persimmon, peaches, apricots, etc. Also, sliced bits of plain rice cake added to soups and other dishes is great.

4. Mandu (Dumplings)
Man, I love me some mandu. It's basically the Korean equivalent of a pierogi, but filled with meat, tofu, veggies, or spicy ingredients. Once I ate a mandu so spicy it gave me hiccups for a solid half hour. There are several varieties, and you can get them steamed, pan fried, or boiled in a soup. While a large sized mandu is practically a meal itself, I prefer a mixed selection of freshly made dumplings with a little soy sauce for dipping.

My boss and his wife were nice enough to invite me to their home one Sunday to show me how to prepare mandu and we enjoyed a mandu stew that achieved a level of deliciousness I could scarcely believe. Despite having participated in making them, I'm pretty sure it would take years for me gain the skill to make them well. But I'll have to learn fast since any frozen style mandu I discovered in Canada came nowhere close to the real thing.

3. Patbingsu
More than a year ago on my blog I wrote about this dessert and how it was a ridiculous hodgepodge of ingredients that made me think of groceries spilled in the snow. I still think that way, but I also fucking love it. The dessert starts simply with a bowl of shaved ice topped with sweet red beans. I know you're thinking, beans?! I'll pass, thank you very much. But trust me that these are not beans for a chili. These beans are more akin to candy.

Anyway, it seems everywhere I go restaurants are trying to outdo each other with elaborate toppings. I've seen patbingsu served while it towered more than half a foot out of the bowl. But the toppings are always different; you got condensed milk, cereal, syrup, yogurt, fresh fruit, candy, cinnamon, ice cream, bits of rice cake, nuts, sprinkles, the list goes on. It's refreshing, delicious, a sno-cone on steroids and I will do my very best to duplicate it in Canada ... or go mad trying.

2. Kimchi
I could hardly make a list of Korean food without mentioning this. It's the quintessential Korean food, and represents a huge part of their food culture. If you don't know, kimchi is a spicy pickled vegetable side dish (basically like a sauerkraut) and has a staggering 187 documented varieties. The most common type is made with Chinese cabbage, and that's the one I know best. It really is a delicious addition to any meal. I love having it with steamed or fried rice, in soup, or Korean style pancakes. Some westerners have let me know that when cooked alongside beef on the BBQ, it makes for a hell of a good burger.

Due to the variety of seasonings, spices, ingredients, preparation methods, and fermentation times, the taste of kimchi is always different. Sometimes spicy, salty, sweet, sour, or a mix, it always adds something unique to a meal. As a bonus, it's widely recognized as being great for your health, and has even been listed in the top five "World's Healthiest Foods".

1. Bibimbap (Mixed Meal)
Easily my favourite meal from Korea. This dish is basically a bowl of rice topped with sautéed and seasoned vegetables and usually a fried egg, red pepper paste, and dark sesame oil. When mixed all together and eaten along with soup and side dishes, it becomes a savory delight. It works well as a summer meal, or if you want something to warm you up in the winter, you can get dolsot bibimbap which comes sizzling with meat in a stone pot. It's just fantastic.

Like so many other Korean foods, like the ones I've mentioned above, because of the ever changing ingredients and recipes, the taste is never quite the same as before. And although it's usually a heaping bowl of food, it doesn't sit in your gut like a greasy weight making you long for a nap, but instead leaves you feeling energized and satisfied. I wonder if airport security will notice when I fill one of my suitcases with everything I need to make this dish for the next several months?

Foods I Miss From My Childhood

In preparing for this short list, I put together a sort of all-encompassing list. I was incredibly stringent on my choices, only choosing items that I ate on a regular basis and truly craved as a kid and not just items that everyone remembers, but I rarely ate or drank, like Crystal Pepsi or Nintendo Cereal. Even then I came up with enough for three lists. From that list I picked five that represented a good smattering of foods that I would eat as a youngster, and yearn to enjoy even now.

So without further ado, here's the list!

5. Super Mario Bros. Shapes Kraft Dinner

Introduced in 1937, Kraft Dinner became instantly popular as it was a quick and easy meal to make that was like, or at least advertised as, a nutritious home-cooked meal. During World War II its popularity rose immensely because of shortages of meat, milk and eggs.

It has become the brunt of many a Canadian joke over the years, but I will not deny my love for KD. This is one of those foods that you can find in just about any Canadian's cupboards at any time, and especially mine. I always have a box or two on standby, should the mood arise.

Back around 1975 Kraft began trying out different shaped noodles, such as the spiral noodle. In 1988 we saw the emergence of the wheel-shaped KD, which in a lot of ways was the precursor to the KD I'm about to talk about.

With the 80s and 90s bursting forth with all sorts of different foods marketed towards children, Kraft wouldn't be outdone, as they introduced noodles shaped like different cartoon characters such as Scooby Doo, The Flintstones and Bugs Bunny (pictured above as I couldn't find an image for the Super Mario KD). I think there may have been a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles variant as well, but I may be mistaken. The one that caught my attention when I was a kid, however, was Super Mario Bros. Kraft Dinner.

Why SMB? I can't specifically tell you. You see, all of these different shape Kraft Dinner's tasted exactly the same! There was no difference. I remember them being different from the regular KD formula. The noodles always seemed firmer than the regular noodles. Also, and this may just be jumbled up memories on my part, I think the cheese sauce was a little different as well. Probably not, though.

I think the reason I wanted them so much was because I wasn't a big KD fan when I was a kid. I had a major hate on for any cheese that wasn't mozzarella on pizza back then (thank you TMNT), and even to this day I'm not a big cheese fan. The trick of making the KD look like different cartoon heroes from my childhood completely worked on me, and I wanted to eat SMB KD like a mad man (mad boy?).

I think the allure of Super Mario Bros. KD was the fact that I rarely saw food that was Nintendo-related. I'm not sure if this KD was an off-shoot of the Saturday morning cartoons based around the Super Mario World or not, but that didn't matter. To date I'd seen, and very briefly I may add, Nintendo Cereal, as well as Pac-Man Cereral, and that was pretty much it as far as video game food was concerned. Whatever it was, if there was food out there that was based on a Nintendo game that I loved, I just ate that shit up, quite literally.

Click here for a glorious 80s/90s commercial!

4. Snow White Cream Soda

Here's one that I can imagine very few people have ever had, or remember. In fact, I tried to search for any kind of advertisements I could find for this particular brand of cream soda, and of course found very little. I was shocked, however, to actually find an image of several cans, one of which is actually Snow White Cream Soda. It's on the top right of the image. I know it's grainy, but it'll have to do.

There isn't too much I can say about this except that it was by far the best cream soda I've ever had, and I actually still to this day, drink cream soda on occasion, no matter how girly that pink stuff is!

I actually find cream soda in general to be a dying breed of pop. I generally only see Crush's pink variety these days, and occasionally Crush's clear version, which is the same as the pink stuff, just without the dye from what I can tell.

Whatever the case, Snow White destroyed them all. I think it came out in the 60s and virtually vanished from most places within the next 20 years, but in the late 80s, early 90s we could still get it at random corner stores in my neck of the woods, Nova Scotia. What made it so amazing? This stuff actually tasted like cream. All other cream sodas have a taste that is similar and distinguishes them, and I suppose you could call it cream-esque, but somehow this particular cream soda actually tasted like something I would call cream and it felt smooth going down. I dunno if it was more syrup than carbonation and I may never know, but although it was clearly pop, Snow White Cream Soda tasted and felt like you were truly tasting a cream-themed soda for the first time.

3. McDonald's Pizza

When I started thinking of items for this list I did whatever I could do avoid short-lived fads. This included variations of Coke or Pepsi, random candy and all sorts of different stuff. There are two reasons that McPizza (I don't think they ever marketed it as McPizza, but I'm calling it that for ease) makes it on here, despite being so incredibly temporary on McDonald's menu.

For one thing, how can a child of the 80s/90s make a list about forgotten foods without incorporating McDonald's? I mean, these guys had the best commercials, ads and foods that any kid craved like crack cocaine. I mean, they marketed the shit with a damned clown!

Secondly, and more importantly, when I was a kid and McPizza was available, I ate nothing else at McDonald's. I couldn't get enough of this stuff. I remember it now as being very saucy, and the sauce, although having no discernible veggies in it, being very chunky. The cheese was sparse, and I think mostly was like a parmesan and the pepperonis were few and far between, and heavily spiced. I believe I remember the crust as being crunchy but practically non-existent.

I grew up in a town where pizza is practically a religion, with all kinds of people finding themselves in different denominations based on pizzeria. So why would I find such a generic form of this glorious food so amazing? Well, that goes back to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They made pizza a world-wide phenomenon in the 90s. Like I said, in my hometown pizza is a big thing, so with that and the old TMNT cartoon pimping the pizza out like mad, I couldn't get enough of the stuff. So combine my love for pizza, TMNT and any child's lust for McDonald's and you have an insane winning combination.

So, why didn't the stuff last? Well, pizza isn't that quick to cook. Although I go to different pizza places today that can have you a pizza ready in about 7 minutes (Little Caesars may be shit, but it's cheap and quick) back then people went to McDonald's for fast food. That means order and receive. The pizza, however, took longer to prepare. Also, I would get personal pizza combos when I went, but I don't think the idea of ordering pizza from McDonald's like a Pizza Hut or something like that really took off. It's a shame, because I truly remember enjoying the stuff.

This is a very grainy commercial for McDonald's Pizza, but it is actually from a Nova Scotian station, ATV!


2. Lipton Alligator/Big Foot Soup

When I made this list I knew that it would be hard to find some documentation for a few of these items. In fact I was fully prepared to find nothing to substantiate my claims that Snow White Cream Soda ever existed. I did not, however, expect to have a hard time finding at least some pictures of Lipton Alligator or Big Foot Soups! I could find nothing in the form of a picture or a video about the delicious dry-packaged goodness that these soups embodied, but I will soldier on.

Like most of the items on this list, I find it hard to truly explain the exact flavours or consistencies of the foods I'm writing about. I'm sort of banking on the fact that maybe the readers of this list remember what I'm talking about as well, or that I can describe something in comparison to what they taste like. For this one, it may be tricky.

First you'd have to know Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup (which I'm certain you do - it's pictured above as I couldn't find an image for Lipton Alligator/Bigfoot Soup), or Cup-A-Soup. Much like Kraft Dinner, this is soup that consists of dried noodles and a dried soup stock (in KD's case, cheese powder) that can be boiled in water to make the meal. To this day I still eat Lipton Soup on a regular basis, although I'm moreover a Campbell's soup man. The one soup that Lipton made when I was a kid that I couldn't get enough of was Alligator Soup.

Really all it was was chicken noodle soup with noodles shaped like little alligators. I distinctly recall it tasting different, though. The noodles, first off, much like the KD shapes, were always firmer, no matter how much you boiled them. They could almost be downright chewy. The broth, although yellow an clearly chicken based, seemed different to me, and I recall there being a lot of some kind of green floaty in the mix. Possibly some kind of dried green onion? I really don't know. It came in the standard Lipton soup box, only instead of red (for chicken noodle) it was green. I don't recall the Bigfoot soup as much, but I know it also existed. It was exactly the same, I think, only with foot shaped noodles as opposed to alligators. I always leaned on the alligator side, as I recall, so I rarely ate the Bigfoot variety.

There's a noodle out now, it might be a Lipton Sidekick (which might make sense), but I can't recall which kind it is, that reminds me totally of Lipton Alligator Soup. It might be the chicken and broccoli version. I really can't remember right now, and probably should've looked into it, but it won't matter. If you haven't had it then you unfortunately don't know the glory within, and my musings here are lost on ye.

1. Hostess Barbecue Chips

The mother of all my childhood snack foods, this list could not have been compiled without speaking about the greatest potato chip ever invented, the Hostess BBQ (I'm going to abbreviate barbecue to BBQ for ease) chip.

Hostess was the primary potato chip seller in Canada for many years. Although chips made up a very small wing of the Hostess foods company, their chips were easily the most popular throughout the Canadas and began many of the conventions you see today with potato chips, such as different colours on the bags to identify the different flavours (most of which are used by all the company's existing now). They also created the chip flavours that are popular today such as sour cream and onion, dill pickle and ketchup. They even tried some fruit flavoured chips, like grape and orange and cherry, which flopped instantly. Actually they created the flavours I mentioned above directly after their fruit-flavoured line fell.

Unfortunately big business came into town and destroyed that which I held most dear. Hostess was purchased by Frito Lay in the early 90s. They then began selling their different brands such as Doritos, Ruffles and Cheetos. Doritos would replace Hostess's Mexitos rather quickly, but their other brands could not take down the mighty Hostess giant. It wasn't until the mid-90s when Frito Lay began marketing their Lay's potato chips with huge hockey stars like Mark Messier and Eric Lindros. In time Hostess was considered a sort of "low end" chip, in comparison to Lay's new line and over time was re-branded and replaced with Lay's.

If Lay's had adopted the Hostess flavours I don't think this would have bothered me as much as it did, but that was not the case. Their flavours seemed dulled. There wasn't enough on the chips. I didn't wince when I ate salt and vinegar. I didn't need to wash my hands for an hour after a brawl with a bag of ketchup. Most importantly, BBQ no longer meant hot and spicy. No, now it meant sweet, like a barbecue sauce. To say it hurt my very soul would be an understatement.

Hostess BBQ chips were the perfect blend of hot and not too spicy. When Lay's took over, they adopted a sweet barbecue flavour and so did most of the other chip companies in an attempt to combat the giant. Hostess chips would live for a very short time afterwards, usually coming out as specialty items for a short period, and I would always take this as a chance to relive their deliciousness, however I would have to sate my voraciousness for a truly BBQ flavoured chip with the likes of Humpty Dumpty (my now reigning fave, which could also be slowly dying) and some different "no-name" varieties. After a time, Lay's released a "Hot Barbecue" flavour, but it wasn't even close to the same. I find it too salty and I can only eat a handful at a time.

You want to know what upsets me most about this whole thing? Not that Hostess was taken over and removed from the market. Not that Lay's made a crappy chip, and just about everyone else in the market followed suit. The thing that stings the very most is that, apparently, HOSTESS CHIPS STILL EXIST.

Yes, in researching for this article I came across some news that startled my very core. That image you see at the top of this article is the current brand of Hostess chips. And look! There's BBQ!

Although they were beaten, they were not completely killed, and apparently they are still sold at select Price Chopper and Food Basics low-end grocery stores. For all these years, I could have been eating Hostess BBQ chips, and I was raped of that chance! I can remember the last time I had a bag. Cole and I went to rent our favourite video game, which we had at this point mastered, Final Fantasy 3 (it was 3 to us, damnit!). In the video store we grabbed our customary bottles of Coke and went to the chip isles to find that there was a mysterious, limited time offering of Hostess BBQ chips. Much to our excitement we got to not only enjoy one of our favourite rentals from the SNES, but also got to have our fave chips and pop combo one last time (at least for me).

So, I can tell you that I am now on the hunt for Hostess BBQ chips, and nothing will stop me, short of a lack of Price Choppers in my geographical region. I will taste these astonishing chips from my childhood once more!

Perfect Snacks for Gaming

As is usual here at Five-O-Rama this isn't an all encompassing list by any means, but these are five of my favourite snacks while enjoying a nice long video gaming session. In some cases it may even be a combination of snacks, due to the inclusion of a well celebrated drink or a legendary side dish.

Get ready to pwn some n00bzorz... man I hate that "gamer" lingo.

Note: Please notice that there is no mention of Mountain Dew or Gamer Grub on this list. If you drink copious amounts of Mountain Dew while playing games just because they market themselves as the gamer's "drink of choice", you are, in fact, a tool. If you drink it because you enjoy it, that's a different matter.

If you eat Gamer Grub you're just a tool.

5. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches
Although this is simply one of the best sandwiches ever, as well as the easiest "on the go" lunch ever invented, just by its very nature it of course makes this list.

There are certain things that every human being has in their home cupboards. Random spices, Kraft Dinner (if you're Canadian anyway) a tin can of tuna/salmon, peanut butter and some concoction of jam/jelly. Oh, and honey (which can also make for delicious peanut butter sandwich).

Once crafted, you can easily eat this sucker with one hand (depending on how much jam you apply). Its portability works very well with the Nintendo Wii.

So, make sure your lazy ass, at minimum, snags some wonder bread and you're set. As far as jam is concerned, go with what you like, but I would suggest apple jelly and grape jelly for variety. Trust me, it's amazing. Break free from your strawberry bonds! Oh, and if you even feel so inclined, get some milk. In peanut butter and jelly sandwich land, it's the only way to fly.

4. Chocolate Chip Cookies and Milk
I am well aware that I am a complete child for having this on my list, but facts are facts people... and according to 69% of the food scientists out there, the facts don't lie.

The mightiest of the cookies, the chocolate chip persuasion, contains all the best things in the baking repertoire. Actually, you don't even have to bake this stuff and it's goddamned delicious.

If you were making them fresh, pop those suckers in the oven and they come out gooey and completely irresistible. Add milk and it's game over (hopefully not in your game, but that's completely possible). I would dare say that most gamers would be relishing in this little suckers via bag, however, so go for the moist ones, people. Hell, if you can get a freshly baked variety at your local supermarket, do so. As much as I like a good Chips A'hoy occasionally, if you can have them as close to "mom's home-baked" quality as possible, spring for it.

3. Pizza
Most people would expect this to fly higher on my list. Well, the fact is, most often while enjoying pizza and playing video games, one has to stop to eat the pizza. That's not a problem, however. This is what the pause button was made for. That being said, it's inherent deliciousness distracts the gamer from his/her game and, as a result, it lands at number 3.

With all that behind us, pizza is always a great idea when enjoying games with friends. Everyone can throw in a few bucks and have some hot 'zas delivered cheaply and plentifully.

I would also include pizza snacks/frozen pizzas into this category. Delights such as Pizza Pops/Pockets, Delissios, and Bagel Bites (pizza variety, of course) are a nice quick fix when you're in need of a late night gaming snack that always satisfies. I would suggest Coca-Cola/Pepsi or some fruit punch to wash down all that pepperoni.

2. Baked Nachos
Nachos can fit into many categories. Now often seen as the premiere party finger food, it's also finding its way into movie theatres (one of my faves) and corner stores (resembles the theatre 'cho, however often vomit inducing). They go great with movies at home, or just watching some TV, as well. While playing video games is the next logical progression.

I have a very specific way I enjoy mine, but that's the same for anyone. I like to place some chips on a baking sheet, load on some salsa and for cheese I enjoy the fakest shit possible. I'm not a huge cheese lover, so I'm all about that salty, ugly step child of cheese... the cheese sauce (personal fave being the Tostito Con Queso sauce). Fire them on broil for a few minutes and you've got one scrumptious treat on your hands (which will be very hot and burninating).

The best thing about nachos is that you can do whatever you like to them, much like pizza, I suppose. Top 'em how you like, but I would always suggest baking them. Warm nachos versus straight out of the bag is like having a barbecued hot dog versus a boiled one - there's no contest.

1. Barbecue Chips and Coca-Cola
Now we've hit the big time. I know this one should be more generic. The title should read, "Potato Chips and Pop (Soda for you American readers)". That's just not going to happen.

Of all the chips that exist in the world, barbecue by far outclasses them all. Many can be too sour and dry out your mouth. Others taste good for the first few handfuls, but soon you can't even stand the smell. With barbecue, though... the party is lasting all night.

Alright, I'm biased. So what? It's my list! As a kid (and Cole can attest to this) Hostess (RIP) barbecue chips were a mainstay for any snacking occasion. It is, however, one of those situations where you don't realize what you've got til it's gone. Hostess eventually folded and was taken over by Frito Lay, and as such Hostess barbecue chips came off the market. I've since switched to Humpty Dumpty (which was also taken over recently by Old Dutch, but they still have the Humpty Dumpty barbecue flavour) and I think I can say I enjoy them equally. To this day, however, whenever I play Final Fantasy 6 (3 US SNES) I think back to my younger days sitting down to a bag of Hostess barbecue chips and a bottle of Coke, while kicking Kefka's crazy ass.

The Coke was, and is, essential to the mix. They were the perfect combination of sugary drink to salty snack ratio. Pepsi, although very good, took the sweetness just a little too far.

I do have other combinations of chips and pop that I enjoy. Ruffles All-dressed and root beer/Dr. Pepper is also one that I've been known to sample while playing some games. All that doesn't matter, however. In the end, the ultimate combination of snacking and gaming will forever be barbecue chips and Coke.

*sniffle*

Alright, Coca-Cola... pony up the cash already!

Sweetest Cereals That Fueled Our Childhood

There are simply a ridiculous amount of cereals in the Western market and I believe every child had a fondness for a particular cereal while growing up. Not to say that cereal is only for children. I still joyfully cram them in my face to this day. Anyway, it's difficult to narrow down such a huge array of choices, but here goes.

5. Frosted Flakes
I would call this cereal the grandfather of sweet cereals. It's not a balls out chocolate/ honey/ candy explosion, but it's known all over the world for being sweet and delicious. If you grew up in a home with strict flavor-Nazi parents who only allowed you to eat 'Dusty Corn Wads', or 'Oaty Circles of Oats', this is likely the one cereal that could have slipped through on occasion. Its name conjures up images of frosting, and it's basically 'Corn Flakes' with a coating of pure goodness. Eat one bowl and you're buzzed for school.


4. Lucky Charms
Why is this cereal on the list? One word: marshmallows. Or ... at least some dehydrated laboratory experiment that tastes like marshmallows. This cereal took a plain oat shape formula and added two things that kids love: candy and bright colors. Sure, those bright colors turned your milk an unsettling gray-blue, but what the hell do you care? You have enough to worry about keeping your spoon steady as you hit that second bowl. The ever changing roster of marshmallows is hard to keep track of, and I won't attempt to sort it out here. Whenever new shapes were introduced, they eventually phased out the older ones, so the marshmallow ratio wasn't growing. Different shapes, same sugar high. It was just the thing to get your day started. You got a joyous leprechaun on a box, a milky circus in your bowl, and you're eating marshmallows for breakfast. What more do you want?

3. Cap'n Crunch
I'll admit that this cereal wasn't common in my home growing up, but I still enjoyed it when I got my greedy hands on a box. Originally this cereal was based on a brown sugar and butter recipe that people used to pour on rice for breakfast. How that eventually turned into a naval commander waging an endless battle in the name of crunchiness, I'll never know. Whatever the case, this cereal has got some kick to it and is deceptively sweet. You think you just eating a jagged version of 'Corn Pops' and then bam! you're in a diabetic coma. You and the captain make it happen. And by "happen", I mean "become jittery and addicted".

2. Sugar Crisp
For any American readers I'm talking about 'Golden Crisp', but I'll be using the name it still goes by in Canada. So you want a sweet cereal? Try this one on for size, it's got 'sugar' right in the name. More than 50 years ago some fellow realized that puffed wheat on it's own was wretched and found that, after running it through a donut glazing machine, sales began to pick up. This stuff is so good, just thinking about it makes my teeth hurt. The magazine Consumer Reports found that Sugar Crisp has an astounding sugar content compared to other cereals (more than 50% by weight). But kids don't care, we all loved it even though our parent warned us it's unhealthy. But who are you gonna listen to? Your parents, or a stoned cartoon bear?

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Maybe it comes as a surprise to find this in the number one spot, and maybe I don't care. This cereal is mad sweet. Just look at it! It's so encrusted with cinnamon sugar it's actually sparkling! With its copious cinnamon and sugar, this cereal wasn't only a rockin' delicious breakfast, it also also makes a great snack right out of the box. But any kid knows that fishing one handful out of the box is gonna leave your forearm coated with sugar. Like any good sweet cereal, the last bowl is made up of crumbs and sugar sand, with all traces of wheat and rice long gone. If you add milk to the final bowl of a box of 'Cinnamon Toast Crunch' then you get a sucrose mud that borders on being crack. Eat enough of this liquid candy and you'll wake up days later in the woods amidst a detailed replica of the Vatican made from twigs. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it was cereals like this that gave us the energy to do many productive things on a Saturday. While some poor kids sat in the dark, crying, and eating their 'Muslix', others were chowing down cinnamon swirls and designing tree houses.